For the LOVE of DIGNITY

 

Throughout the season of love, peace and joy -the empty vessel within me- that was void of these things, saw an abundance of each one overflow into my soul and surround me with the genuine meaning of Christmas.

When I began my third journey of displacement, it came with much shame as I uprooted myself from a place of shelter, a place to call home. While all of my benefits ended, I had not been able to keep any savings and as I dealt with more health issues, hospitalizations and struggled, it all lead to the current circumstances I find myself in.

In previous posts from 2021, I’ve shared about my mental health and also the guilt of my only child’s untimely, tragic passing. I’ve summoned the courage to speak openly of being a Survivor of a horrible assault.

Among my accomplishments, I have been able to boldly share the accomplishment of seeing my book- Under the Sitka Tree, be accepted by a Publisher (Oldale Publishing) and be available in print (Still Creek Press) and on Amazon (now in its Third edition).

This was a promise- over twenty years in the making- to be fulfilled to my late daughter, Shayla.

In August, I received surgery and was one of the blessed recipients of a GORE device, to close the hole in my heart where the previous year, I had a stroke and an aneurysm.

I am reflecting on some of the major highs and lows of 2021 as a means to loop back around to the many ‘angels’ that brought such love, joy and comfort to my weary soul.

When I left my last residence, on my own accord, on December 1^st, it was because I placed myself in my landlords shoes. I realized as I no longer had an income, it would be only a matter of time before things came to an end. If one were to look deep into the routes of my life, I will make the decision to bow out and leave- in order to avoid more pain and rejection.

Yet I feel it is necessary to clarify something…while I’ve been consumed with a lot of guilt over my daughter’s car crash and I have this internal need to self punish myself, I never have in any way or form sabotaged any benefits on purpose, to see me booted into displacement. It has been a cause and effect boomerang effect, where the ending of either WCB, Regular or Sickness benefits, along with other short term funding, has collided with the depths of poverty- I am surrounded by.

Trust me when I say, NO one would want to live out of my car- the width of a shopping cart! The toll on my health, both physical and emotional, has seen me hospitalized numerous times!

Last year’s stroke and aneurysm, is something I would not wish upon anyone!

This was how cold it was in my car...a can left overnight, exploded in a frozen state and ripped through the metal! Now imagine how a homeless person, living on the streets, feels like!
In my sharing, I want to acknowledge the endless stream of compassionate hearts; those who have come to my aid on many occasions. What I had not counted on, was the need to begin another list of gratitude, for all of the souls that would interact with mine.

For I never have any expectations of help…given this is my third time of displacement.

Yet God had his own plans, in his own time, which saw him scatter people to cross my path.

If someone offers you help; you accept it as a blessing and always be mindful to pay it forward, to someone else. 

Unless people have given me permission to use their name or mentions a place, I am only referencing certain individuals alphabetically of simply by mention of them being an angel.

The one parcel I received in the mail, came from Sharen Kish, who I owe a great deal of inspiration and information regarding Ocean Falls, BC ( the town that I based my setting on for my novel.) Sharen sent me a custom made bag that I cherish and carry with me everywhere, I go. Her caring and support, instills in me the value of giving something that has the threads of two hearts, connected together with love.

I also received the help of a couple, Lorina and Rodger, who picked up hope chest- the only furniture I own and a beloved gift from my mother to me, when I was only sixteen.

Lorina handed me a card and a box full of homemade Christmas goodies!

Another angel was someone whose world collided with mine in a large amount of love and support. This included purchasing multiple copies of my book, a much appreciated gift card and other means of giftings where as I type this, the angel reading this, knows who they are 😊

The next group of angels were from the Kal-Tire Store #688 in New Westminster, on sixth street. I needed to swap my all-seasons for my winter tires, yet I no longer had storage available. When I arrived and spoke to the Manager, I shared that they would need to simply keep my all-seasons as I was about to be displaced and my tiny storage unit, did not have room to accommodate my tires. Upon returning, I was moved to tears, when the Manager shared they would store my tires at no charge and there was no cost to swap the tires over. I stood there, humbled and in awe of such benevolence. I thanked the Manager and retreated to my vehicle; hands folded in prayer. It is in these moments that one needs to be mindful of where grace flows from. When I opened my eyes, the Manager was standing, waiting patiently at my window. I opened my driver’s door and he shared even more of their generosity. When you need your all-seasons put on, there will also be no charge! For me, I couldn’t express in words just how appreciative I was, because here were hard working staff, providers for their families and loved ones, willing to extend their compassion to me.

This was the beginning of many acts of kindness, in where I am sharing, as a means for others to understand that this is God has done, so as I could go out and pay it forward to others.

At Lynn Valley Laundromat, I had various blessings, where the owner Anudip gifted me my laundry services. She had her sweet daughter Luca, bring me a sandwich from SUBWAY and then her mother gifted me with a beautiful, thick navy blanket.

I also mention in my previous post, about LUMAGICA! I was gifted an abundance of generosity, from the organizer’s (MK Illumination) and also talented musician Clay Scott, which saw me enjoy the brilliance of this spectacular event.

For me, during this time, I began to seek out others who were in need. It is a chance to meet those with their own battle scars and are more accepting of my own personal journey.

One cold night, as I sat in the passenger seat of my car, I watched as the frost heaves upon my cracked windshield began to form. Within minutes, I marvelled at what appeared to be a cross, with a key and a light (which reminded me of a lantern), take form on my windshield. This brought me comfort and joy.

Later, when the opportunity arose to simply have an exchange about Jesus ( in such a way that exposed my flaws)…I also knew where Promise can be found, there is also a glow that comes from within.

Over the Christmas season, this exchange happened to me twice, in a profound manner. Once in Save-On Foods in North Vancouver and the other, in a McDonalds in Langley. In conversing with Sharen, we engaged in a deep conversation that spoke of the spirit and what the true beauty of Christmas is- HOPE. Before we parted, I gifted her a Tim Horton’s Gift card. Another angel dressed in red and a garland of glowing lights, made it possible for me to purchase gift cards and hand them out, to those in need.

In the other exchange I had, it was with a young Manager named Tyler at a McDonald’s location. He took a few minutes, out of his day, to speak with me. Our discussion was on the pureness of what loving and believing in Jesus has brought us both, in reassurance that we each have a bigger purpose in this life. After we had shared, I went to my car and gifted him a copy of my book. He offered to pay for it, yet the value of his words, the beautiful message he conveyed, had truly been such a gift to me.

In between the joy of many blessings received, I was hospitalized twice during the past month, as the stress has taken it’s toll on me.  

However, on the last visit, I was grateful for the dignity I received as Lions Gate Hospital. Prior to speaking with my family Doctor, Bharminder Gill, I was nervous about going to Emergency. I have high anxiety at hospitals, due to the loss of my 21 year old daughter and having to say goodbye to her at the Hospital morgue. As I have two disorders, the one that is triggered worse than the other, is my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Dr. Gill assured me that a ‘Letter of Support’ would be sent over to the ER and upon my arrival, I was to mention it. The intake/ admittance nurses read over my letter, and I was welcomed in with compassion by Amber and Justine. After a long wait, in a busy ER, I was brought to the back to sit in a comfortable recliner. I was also given much appreciated warm, flannel blankets. The man next to me, Chris, was friendly and helpful. His wife worked at the hospital but was on maternity leave. Later, she came to visit with their two children. When his mom came, I was given a container of soup, for which I was deeply appreciative!

The attending Doctor that saw me, Dr. John MacGregon was attentive and kind to every patient he spoke with. As I was sitting in a row of patients, with only a thin curtain, I was privy to knowing this.

Returning to my small car, I was elated to hear the news that as an early Christmas gift by my mother and brother, I would spend the holidays at a local Airbnb in Langley. I stayed in the Birch Room and it was such a luxury for me to be able to stretch out my swollen legs and feet!

The area was familiar to me, as I use to live in Langley, Cloverdale and Surrey, over a ten year span. Only a few blocks away, I also wrote and worked on my novel, in an award -winning Japanese Gardens- Thyme on 43^rd.

The area holds many wonderful memories of walks we use to take, when Shayla would come and visit. One of my favourite places to stop in, was Cedarbrook Bakery, which I found still there, and I treated myself to some favourite holiday delights.

My warmest welcome happened when I arrived at the place I was staying. The Holiday hosts, Sam and Dalia treated me wonderfully, as a guest and since there was another person staying from Germany, we had wonderful conversations about all topics- politics, religion, children, bereavement and even peanut butter pie! I found a lot of similarities between Dalia and I, including our love for The Colophone Café in Bellingham, WA.

The Colophon Cafe has offered casual, healthful dining in the heart of the historic Fairhaven district since 1985

There is a connection to my daughter in all of this, as when she was a teenager, many of a trip was made to Bellingham and area, including our favourite café that served the most delicious Peanut Butter Pie!

I would later acquire the recipe from Dalia, who shared with me the yummy treat from Epicurious.

In our conversation, I also explained how Shayla and I loved to go visit Pike Place Market and there was an old ‘fortune-telling’ machine with the magic of Zoltar. We would burst into laughter reading our fortunes and then head over to Daily Dozen Doughnut Co. The fondest memories I have of these random road trips to the USA.

On one of my short trips to the store, I saw from afar, an array of Jones cream soda’s. As I approached, I was excited to see on the label, the ZOLTAR image from Pike Place, where we would visit for our ‘fortunes’. This made me smile in one of those special ways of connection from my heart to the heavens.

Another connection I discovered was the artistic abilities we both shared- me with my writing and Dalia, with an exceptional artistic eye for design, colour and skills! When she showed me an outfit she had handcrafted for Comic- Con, that had her hand glue on a gazillion sequins, her patience and abilities astounded me! In showing me her extraordinary designs, I absolutely loved a mini purse design with glittery wings on one side and galaxy wings on the other! Dalia took note of this, for when I awoke Christmas morning, there was a gift bag of wonderful goodies, that included a proper mask- for your face- the kind you rinse off 😊  and the fabulous mini-purse that has a shiny heart and a sliver of a gold moon. Dalia’s amazing and original patterns, can be found on Etsy and Instagram, under the name Zagpie Designs.

In return, I gave of course, what I have…two copies of my book, for others to discover the beauty, mystery and love of Ospero Falls, BC.

Another highlight, was the amazing Christmas dinner Dalia spent the day preparing, then served later on. This was not something that was expected. So to share in a lovely Christmas meal with both Dalia and Sam, was so wonderful! She made a delicious cabbage, root creamed vegetables dish that was so good!

The other angel who extended their kindness was someone who presented their heart-warming generosity! Again, they know who they are, and I hope in reading my post, will understand just how much I was blessed in our interactions!

As a result of their compassion, I was able to get more comfort and warm.

I also watched the touching movie, Dear Evan Hansen.

There was so much, even as a 50 year old woman, that I could relate to… the song selections spoke to my inner child and I thought of how my own previous life interruptions, affected people’s lives.

In my short time spent at this house, I could see for myself, why my path had crossed with others.

Leaving the Airbnb was hard to do, and I had even looked into staying another few days, but due to its popularity, it was booked!

On my departure, I was prayed over and given one last fantastic recommendation…to go for a bite to eat at Brogan’s Diner, in Langley.

The first thing that greeted me was Betty Boop (my daughter was an avid collector of this fun loving icon). The whole restaurant is decked out in memorabilia of other legendary figures. As a lover of positive quotes, there were many to be found.

The day I arrived for something to eat, the waitress ( a mature woman), was serving the whole restaurant. In doing her best, she was trying to manage many tables and when a couple came in, she seated them and shared she would be with them shortly. As she loaded up her arms to deliver several plates of delicious food, the couple stood and left in a huff. I could tell this affected her personally and she was upset. When she came to my table to serve me my wonderful breakfast, I commented, “You are doing an amazing job and thank you for being here today!” From beyond her rimmed glasses, I could see her hold back her tears as she muttered, “Thank you so much!”

When I went to leave, I gave her an extra five dollars on top of regular tip. She was thrilled and I thought about how little it takes to make someone’s day.

Often the most valuable of gifts come in a lengthy phone-call, from a cherished friend and sister in Christ, as in my telephone conversation from Leanna. She is a devoted soul, to her church, her family, work and friends. When we were talking, laughing and even through tears, the one thing that Leanna said to me, resonated…she spoke of how all of my interactions, had brought me many blessings, but most of all it had given me moments of dignity that were overflowing with LOVE.

A little token of my Appreciation that I left behind at the Airbnb (Gratitude pebble and a small plaque that reads: "Home is where Love lives."  

It was when I take the time to unwind myself from the role of being an outcast, that I am reminded of all the continual, beautiful, interactions serve, such a wonderful purpose in my unsettled life. 

I also am most grateful for the outpouring of prayers that have held my name and those who continue to offer their love and support! 

It had me think for a moment about this question that was presented to me:

What if God was not here on earth?

You think people can be cruel now, imagine us without the presence of our Creator. You think we are brutal to each other no, imagine the world without the Holy Spirit. You think there is loneliness, despair and guilt now…imagine the life without the touch of Jesus.

No forgiveness, No Hope. No acts of kindness. No words of Love. No more food given in his name. No more songs sung to his praise. No more deeds done in his honour. If God took away his angels, his grace, his promise of eternity and those serving hearts, what would the world be like?

In two words- pure hell. No one to comfort you and no music to soothe you. A world where poets don’t write of love and minstrels don’t sing of hope; for love and hope were passengers on the last ship. The final vessel has departed, and the anthem of hell has only two words: “if only.”

~ Just Like Jesus Max Lucado

In the end, this Christmas season, due to the kindest of hearts, giftings and love, I learned from the timeless holiday classics…

I became Linus, reunited with my blanket of comfort, my heart grew three sizes, and I embraced the winter tales lesson of self-acceptance- in that even though I am different, I STILL have something to offer.

By TL Alton 

FOR THE LOVE OF SHINE!

Just knowing someone else contains that spectacular SHINE can change everything and make it possible for you to SHINE too.

Standing on the grassy pathway, I was swathed in an endless array of shimmers; a tapestry of crimson, blended in with hues of gold and silver, rose coloured and emerald sparks of light.

A stark contrast from sorrow, tears and heartache that had accompanied me to LUMAGICA in Surrey.

It was by chance I discovered this extraordinary event and was gifted by the Organizers and Staff of LUMAGICA with a complimentary ticket, free parking and food voucher! From the beginning, Caroline handled everything with compassion. 

The generosity of MK Illumination Canada (Anne- Marie and Alex), was such a blessing- on what is the most difficult day of the year for me- December 12^th 

This year, 2021- marks the 10 years of my daughter’s untimely, tragic death. Yet instead of hovering over that day, I am going to take a few words of insight from a young man I met at the event who said:

“If I live in the past- there is regret…”

Therefore, this post is about the streaming light that pierced my darkness and wrapped me in its glorious brilliance!

Arriving at LUMAGICA in Surrey, BC, I was welcomed by the brightest lights, multitude of colours and the friendliest staff!

All Covid Protocols were in place- from checking individuals to ensure proof of double Vaccines, to a one way enter and exit system, along with a tapering of people on the pathways; all staff worked hard to ensure a smooth journey, along the way!

In speaking with Site Director Guy Ciprian, he took the time to speak with me and let me share more about Shayla. He guided me and directed me to the pathways. In a gesture of kindness, after I shared how far of a drive I had back to my car camping spot in North Vancouver, he offered me to stay parked in the outside lot, which had security and two portaloos. As I was emotionally drained and tired, I appreciated his empathy to my situation. Later, I was able to find a safe place to be and sleep in my car.

Reflecting on my amazing experience of shimmering lights, constructed in an array of exceptional design, I watched in awe as others interacted with the illuminated displays. A little girl, walked up to a teddy bear, took her mitten off, and shook the paw. 

This had all of us smile and emit a collective sigh of awe’s. Couples were snuggling together in the opening of a twinkling heart and an older couple stole a kiss, underneath a tree that was aglow with shine!

All along, Shayla was on my mind and a quote came to mind…

The thing about moments is that you’ll miss them if your always running after the next one. ~ Alec Lightwood

So, as I scanned every display created out of passion and amazing concepts of all things Christmas, I was treated with the memories of when Shayla use to come and visit during the holidays. She would burst through the door, with such a fervour that would make some Santa’s envious and declare that the festivities could begin…now that she had brought the party! It was here the laughter would begin, as she started to burst into dance and shout out a boisterous “WOOT-WOOT!”

Shayla taught me that there is no such thing as normal- what is it that actually defines being okay?

During her visits, one of our cherished things to do, was to go see the festive, dazzling displays at VanDusen Festival of Lights. In speaking with Guy, he shared the special connection:

The same company that did the spectacular lights at VanDusen Botanical Gardens, was the very same for LUMAGICA.

This made my heart light up, as it was comforting to know the incredible link of the two.

I remember how when we were out, if there was someone in need, Shayla would take out her own change and gift a stranger, some kindness.

I had raised my daughter, to always walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, even if you were standing alone in the crowd. I taught her the value of the truth, and never do you leave the world bitter because of your experiences- but thankful for the moments that you can SHINE!

In looking back on these past 2 weeks of displacement, I have met many kindred souls.

Last night, at LUMAGICA in Surrey, it was more than having a brilliant light experience. It was to arrive raw, exposed and fragile to others. While I brought my grief, they poured out countless moments of benevolence.

In the circumstances I am now finding myself in again, I am choosing to stand up for the truth, even when ‘doing the right thing,’ sometimes doesn’t feel like it….because often I’ve found myself alone in this journey. Misjudged and misunderstood.

Yet with my daughter, it was different…she saw the marginalized, those oppressed and silenced, then came alongside them and said: “I see you.”

This happened a lot last night at the event I attended. From several young ladies who served me, Kira, Jaclyn and Jelayne. When I was eating my wonderful meal (pictured), one of these ladies (who is a Paramedic), came over to my table and later generously shared some of her bagged packed lunch with me- to take back to my car!

Another patron I spoke with, had a lovely conversation with me and offered to buy me something- which I declined. I explained the generosity of the vendor coupon from LUMAGICA and the remembrance of the day. To have a conversation, when I spend my entire day and nights alone, was such a beautiful gift.

There was also a young man singer/songwriter Clay Scott, who was performing and singing songs. His beautiful voice filled the space with harmony. We had a heartfelt conversation and I had shared about Shayla’s love of music. I requested any song and gave him a few of my daughter’s favourite musicians. As a sat back down and he performed Tom Petty’s “Free Falling,” he never could have know that particular song was Shayla’s absolute favourite!

Afterwards, he came up to me and we spoke some more. I had shared about my book, “Under the Sitka Tree, “ with many, including Clay. He had said he wanted to purchase my novel (which meant so very much to me), but also he had a ‘gifting’ for me. Clay then tucked some bills under the cover of my Sitka book, sitting beside me. He said, “This is part of my tips, I want you to have! Please go and buy yourself some meals.”

I burst into tears and at first refused, yet Clay insisted and after thanking him profusely, later I counted it and he had gifted me $50.00! That was his earnings, he had worked for the tips and here Clay was thinking of helping out another soul!

When the night had ended, I tried in vain, to find my car. Another staff member, named Raymond, working Security…walked the grounds until I was safely reunited with my vehicle.

Later, as I sorted out the passenger seat of my car, to sleep in…I thought about the value of light, the beauty of remembrance and the depths of compassion. I cherished the stories I had collected within my heart and those who bravely shared they too had been displaced- at one point of their lives.

All of what I experienced reminds me…

WE are Not defined by a lack of what we leave behind; rather we are remembered for what we stood for!

Thank you for the joy, brought to my life on my darkest day!

In reflecting on the 10^th Anniversary of my daughter’s passing, I was able to embrace the SHINE that was shared by all individuals and the magnificent, illuminated creations! With everything I was blessed with, I am humbled and full of gratitude. For the real gifting of this season unto me…saw a mother’s mourning let in the cracks of light.

By TL Alton

BREAKTHROUGH IN A BOX

 

Often when something is broken, we will spend much time in navigating our pain through means that are only numbing the agony- instead of realizing the answer to all the madness- is really within our reach. ~ TL Alton

Ever since the day my daughter’s life ended on December 12^th, 2011, I have been a spider caught in a web of deceit, heartache and displacement.

I have kept secret certain circumstances regarding the death of Shayla private and will continue to keep some information confidential, in hopes one day the whole truth will finally come out, about what really happened. I have been fortunate that over time, an Investigator has gathered information, which can prove my daughter’s crash, was no accident.

I believe, it will only be a matter of time before those responsible, will be held accountable- for their roles, which to the tragic death of my child.

My blog post isn’t entirely about this, in fact…my entry is about something that finally broke within me, a revelation so eye-opening…. I now better understand why I am writing this from a place of displacement- again.

In sharing the following, I would like to mention those also struggling prior to the holidays. Those whose homes were flooded and ravaged by the waters, who lost their home and whose lives have forever changed!

I want to say Thank you to the farmers I have spoke with. Through their tears,  they have shared about their farmlands and futures that are unknown. My heart goes out to those whose farm animals perished, whose structures collapsed and were washed away by the storms. Their livelihoods have been altered and they need our support!

Mental health is escalating and to those front line workers like Natasha at Save-On Foods in Capilano, I thank you! I was witness to your compassionate and beautiful, caring heart, to those in need!

Our province, our Country and our world is in crisis, and I have prayed for all of those affected, wishing I could do more!

In connection to release of matters of my heart, which go back ten years, I know this: It is not going to change the fact that my daughter is gone.

What I hope in my post, is for people to not judge me, for what they think they know about my journey. I would rather have people see there is far more to the circumstances and sad story of a young girl, trapped and submerged in her vehicle on December 12^th, 2011.

That due to a several conversations prior to her passing, my daughter provided the answers that many have no idea about. Her words have haunted me for the past ten years and I want others that are ‘responsible’ for what transpired, to know, I have never let go of the real truth.

The whole reality of the matter is this...Shayla called me on Dec 9th from Kamloops (where she lived and was in her third year of attending Thompson Rivers University) to say she was driving to Kelowna /McKinley area, to see a new baby that was born.

The devastating part for me- is Shayla was supposed to go on reading break- on a Greyhound bus and travel to Kelowna...but she couldn't wait! 

At first, I told her no way in hell are you driving the winter roads! She laughed and I will never forget her response...

“Momma, one day you will have to learn to let me go!"

 As I type these words out, it is crushing on my heart!

 I asked if she had cleaned out her car as being a University Student, she always carried around her books, etc. She said this:

"Oh momma, I just packed for the weekend....I only have a box of stuff for the Thrift Store that was put in the back and I'm running out of time, so I will drop it off in Kelowna."

As I type this, I am so upset that I never questioned if that deadly box was taped shut, closed up, or asked her to put it in her trunk instead!!

I want to just scream back my words: No babygirl, check the box...Please...

Here's some background info...after my daughter died, ‘friends’ of hers had someone they know dive into the Reservoir and retrieve Shayla’s personal belongings. The Police had no idea, they were never contacted and nor was I, until after the fact. Shayla’s cell phone was never found, yet would mysteriously re-appear, back in Kamloops- after her death.

A North American Engineer, was hired and gave a detailed report of what happened on the day Shayla’s car ended up submerged in the frozen waters of McKinley Reservoir. The report I have, states the untapped, unclosed box of goods for the Thrift Store, came open as Shayla drove into a deep hairpin corner. The contents opened up and spilled forward under her seat and something rolled under the break, preventing my daughter, from being able to step on the break pedal. Her speed accelerated and  Shayla lost control of her car! The report shows, in a panic and out of sheer desperation, she tried to correct the cars alignment, yet it was too late!

I also have a more details and an Investigators report that Shayla’s car crash and death were preventable. The other contents of this report is being kept private and sealed, until charges in the matter can be laid.

There also is an eerie and disturbing fact that $25,000 Life Insurance Policy was taken out on my daughter( not by me)….and it was cashed in, right after her death! It was also kept hidden from me, until it was discovered that a said individual did their best to deny it’s existence, until the truth was revealed. Prior to her death, Shayla had me as her mother, a beneficiary on her University Life Insurance Policy. I was removed- without knowledge- until I spoke with Shayla, and she confided in me, she had been convinced to switch over her Policy to someone in her life. I never thought anything about it, as she was only 21 and it did not matter to me, as she had made a young adult decision. I also was told her car had been privately worked- only days before her trip- by the said person who collected her Life Insurance.

 In my opinion, these actions all add up to negligence and I will leave it at that.

There are also many inconsistences about her travels, the purpose and the outcome.

Consequently, my post is to raise awareness and my belief to this day, something more nefarious happened to my daughter and there was a butterfly effect that occurred with me, due to Shayla’s ‘car crash.’

 Seven years after my daughter had died, I tried my best to carry on. Yet the burden I have felt, over the box that was placed in Shayla’s car, the life insurance and her vehicle worked on- only days before her road trip- have shattered my life!

 Later, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the damage to my mental health, has been extensive.

In the past five years, I have been displaced three times. Living out of my car, with serious health issues. Last summer, I had a stroke and aneurysm. This year, I had the hole in my heart repaired and two weeks ago, I was rushed to the hospital, believed to have had another TIA.

 While the two previous displacements, were due to a combination of serious work injuries/loss of job and benefits ending, there is more to what meets the eye.

 As I type this, I have just moved out from my last, recent suite.

After losing my job last year as a Labourer due to COVID, I have never recovered in re-establishing myself.

 This autumn, when my benefits ended, I found myself speaking with my Landlords and it resulted in me giving my notice. One of them had suffered a serious injury, after a fall and  due to my lack of rent, it was causing them issues.

I spent 5 hours cleaning my suite, packing up mine and my daughter’s things and moving back into my mini car. I made several trips to drop off donations to the Burnaby HOSPICE Thrift store and I found a young man in need to give my bottles and cans too.

 Yet I need to address ‘the box’ that was placed in Shayla’s car, as it is a missing puzzle piece.

This week, the night before I was to leave my suite, I took a much needed break from sorting and packing. Sitting down, I stared at the mound of boxes, donations to be given and abruptly burst into tears! I was looking at one box in particular, which had clothing and items jutting out. I had not closed it up, nor had I taped it. 

Abruptly, my PSTD was heavily triggered, and I fell to the floor, in tears.

 The answer to all three of my displacements, was sitting right in front of me!

The truth is, I have been awash with guilt and shame over the box that Shayla had travelled with! I had spoken to my daughter, several times and never had it occurred to me that I had transferred over to myself, the blame of that day! 

I have had recurring nightmares, where Shayla is screaming at me in the darkness of the frozen waters, to come ‘save her!’

I have carried the burdens that when she first called me in Kamloops, about the Life Insurance, I should have questioned her more!

I blame myself that when she called me about to depart on the road, I didn’t ask about the box!

I feel the guilt when I learned her car had been worked on- specifically her four tires- that I didn’t ask her more! Likewise, I am wracked with heartache that I couldn’t stop her from leaving… and I have lived with such shame- knowing, had any of these circumstances were to have changed, Shayla would still be alive!

 Looking back at the box I had set aside for donation, before this time of displacement, it represents my burdens. So when I feel overwhelmed by a new place to settle in (after living in my car), it is like I crave the darkness, the pain and punishment of displacement, as a release of all of what is built up inside of me!

I know for a period of time this year; I also went to a whole new level of darkness in seeking someone from my past. I pushed more and more, in our phone conversations, seeking to be in a realm of obscurity that feels like ‘home’ to me.

 Also, I oppressive feeling that I failed my daughter- sees me unsettled within. So much that when I find a new place to live, I do not think I am worthy of happiness or stability.

 I have been broken inside for a long period of time…as I mentioned to someone…

its as if darkness takes an elevator ride through my soul and departs on the main floor.

 I thought I had done a great release of ‘letting go’, until someone recently mentioned these words to me and I went on the defense! For me to let go...is to give up on me still fighting for the truth of what really took place.

 I also would ask anyone who thinks its time to let go… come this Christmas, as everyone is gathered at the table, presents have been opened and loved ones gathered round… look at one of your own children and ask yourself…if this happened to one of them, could you simply just ‘let it go?’

 For me, I now see a direct link between my daughter’s tragic car crash and the ripples of displacement in my life.

I have been carrying the guilt of others, the brokenness of making myself abandoned and punishing myself with the discord- I feel I deserve, to keep putting myself through!

 I now have a ‘reason’ for the madness/darkness of that tragic day. Also, a need to be freed off of the spider’s web, I’ve spent years trapped on.

 I am thankful for the block that God removed for me, in order to embrace healing and move forward. As a protective mother, I feel not only me, but others, let Shayla down. However, I can only speak for myself and what I know to be true.

 I am a writer and researcher. I believe in the facts, and I have faith that someday, the raw truth of what happened to my daughter, will be revealed.

 I am deeply grateful to those friends who have stood by me, the family that has reached out to help and to those who I understand… decided to jump off the train of chaos - that is my life.

 In times of crisis, people want to come together and help in anyway they can...

 One thing I do know, as a dear friend put it…

“Shayla wouldn’t want you to continue to carry this weight!”

So a major shift has occurred and instead of the burden of blame, I am striving to survive- daily!

The one constant companion of mine has been my book, Under the Sitka Tree. Over a week ago, I had a breakdown in tears, as I struggled what to do with the future of my novel? Would Shayla want me to keep tight control over Sitka or would she want me to let it go?

After many prayers, I signed a contract with Oldale Publishing that ensures its future and further release. This doesn’t get me out of living in my car, but all of Leon Oldale’s hard work and dedication, have secured further release of my book on Amazon and Kindle!

I have good reason to mention UTST, as it’s a source of income for me, when it sells.

I have been blessed by those who have purchased the paperback versions of my novel; family, friends and strangers who have shared in the beautiful promise to my late babygirl...Thank you from my heart to yours...💝

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B09MW4L3FL

The time being, I have a lot to reconcile within myself and stop being stuck on December 12^th, 2011.

A large part of me, will never abandon the need for the truth, to finally come out about Shayla's untimely death. 

 I will also continue to reach out to others displaced. As I meet individuals- I am finding immigrants, people of various ethnic backgrounds/ beliefs and those truly homeless. Interwoven in all of them, I see a common thread.

 Those who are striving to find the means- that they are worthy- to be a part of this uncertain world!

 THE DEFINITION OF INSANE IS TO TREAT ANOTHER PERSON’S VALUE AS WORTHLESS!

In that, I find similarities- a place not of isolation but of connection- where everyone... has stories of heartbreak to share. 💔💦

 By TL Alton