For the LOVE of DIGNITY

 

Throughout the season of love, peace and joy -the empty vessel within me- that was void of these things, saw an abundance of each one overflow into my soul and surround me with the genuine meaning of Christmas.

When I began my third journey of displacement, it came with much shame as I uprooted myself from a place of shelter, a place to call home. While all of my benefits ended, I had not been able to keep any savings and as I dealt with more health issues, hospitalizations and struggled, it all lead to the current circumstances I find myself in.

In previous posts from 2021, I’ve shared about my mental health and also the guilt of my only child’s untimely, tragic passing. I’ve summoned the courage to speak openly of being a Survivor of a horrible assault.

Among my accomplishments, I have been able to boldly share the accomplishment of seeing my book- Under the Sitka Tree, be accepted by a Publisher (Oldale Publishing) and be available in print (Still Creek Press) and on Amazon (now in its Third edition).

This was a promise- over twenty years in the making- to be fulfilled to my late daughter, Shayla.

In August, I received surgery and was one of the blessed recipients of a GORE device, to close the hole in my heart where the previous year, I had a stroke and an aneurysm.

I am reflecting on some of the major highs and lows of 2021 as a means to loop back around to the many ‘angels’ that brought such love, joy and comfort to my weary soul.

When I left my last residence, on my own accord, on December 1^st, it was because I placed myself in my landlords shoes. I realized as I no longer had an income, it would be only a matter of time before things came to an end. If one were to look deep into the routes of my life, I will make the decision to bow out and leave- in order to avoid more pain and rejection.

Yet I feel it is necessary to clarify something…while I’ve been consumed with a lot of guilt over my daughter’s car crash and I have this internal need to self punish myself, I never have in any way or form sabotaged any benefits on purpose, to see me booted into displacement. It has been a cause and effect boomerang effect, where the ending of either WCB, Regular or Sickness benefits, along with other short term funding, has collided with the depths of poverty- I am surrounded by.

Trust me when I say, NO one would want to live out of my car- the width of a shopping cart! The toll on my health, both physical and emotional, has seen me hospitalized numerous times!

Last year’s stroke and aneurysm, is something I would not wish upon anyone!

This was how cold it was in my car...a can left overnight, exploded in a frozen state and ripped through the metal! Now imagine how a homeless person, living on the streets, feels like!
In my sharing, I want to acknowledge the endless stream of compassionate hearts; those who have come to my aid on many occasions. What I had not counted on, was the need to begin another list of gratitude, for all of the souls that would interact with mine.

For I never have any expectations of help…given this is my third time of displacement.

Yet God had his own plans, in his own time, which saw him scatter people to cross my path.

If someone offers you help; you accept it as a blessing and always be mindful to pay it forward, to someone else. 

Unless people have given me permission to use their name or mentions a place, I am only referencing certain individuals alphabetically of simply by mention of them being an angel.

The one parcel I received in the mail, came from Sharen Kish, who I owe a great deal of inspiration and information regarding Ocean Falls, BC ( the town that I based my setting on for my novel.) Sharen sent me a custom made bag that I cherish and carry with me everywhere, I go. Her caring and support, instills in me the value of giving something that has the threads of two hearts, connected together with love.

I also received the help of a couple, Lorina and Rodger, who picked up hope chest- the only furniture I own and a beloved gift from my mother to me, when I was only sixteen.

Lorina handed me a card and a box full of homemade Christmas goodies!

Another angel was someone whose world collided with mine in a large amount of love and support. This included purchasing multiple copies of my book, a much appreciated gift card and other means of giftings where as I type this, the angel reading this, knows who they are 😊

The next group of angels were from the Kal-Tire Store #688 in New Westminster, on sixth street. I needed to swap my all-seasons for my winter tires, yet I no longer had storage available. When I arrived and spoke to the Manager, I shared that they would need to simply keep my all-seasons as I was about to be displaced and my tiny storage unit, did not have room to accommodate my tires. Upon returning, I was moved to tears, when the Manager shared they would store my tires at no charge and there was no cost to swap the tires over. I stood there, humbled and in awe of such benevolence. I thanked the Manager and retreated to my vehicle; hands folded in prayer. It is in these moments that one needs to be mindful of where grace flows from. When I opened my eyes, the Manager was standing, waiting patiently at my window. I opened my driver’s door and he shared even more of their generosity. When you need your all-seasons put on, there will also be no charge! For me, I couldn’t express in words just how appreciative I was, because here were hard working staff, providers for their families and loved ones, willing to extend their compassion to me.

This was the beginning of many acts of kindness, in where I am sharing, as a means for others to understand that this is God has done, so as I could go out and pay it forward to others.

At Lynn Valley Laundromat, I had various blessings, where the owner Anudip gifted me my laundry services. She had her sweet daughter Luca, bring me a sandwich from SUBWAY and then her mother gifted me with a beautiful, thick navy blanket.

I also mention in my previous post, about LUMAGICA! I was gifted an abundance of generosity, from the organizer’s (MK Illumination) and also talented musician Clay Scott, which saw me enjoy the brilliance of this spectacular event.

For me, during this time, I began to seek out others who were in need. It is a chance to meet those with their own battle scars and are more accepting of my own personal journey.

One cold night, as I sat in the passenger seat of my car, I watched as the frost heaves upon my cracked windshield began to form. Within minutes, I marvelled at what appeared to be a cross, with a key and a light (which reminded me of a lantern), take form on my windshield. This brought me comfort and joy.

Later, when the opportunity arose to simply have an exchange about Jesus ( in such a way that exposed my flaws)…I also knew where Promise can be found, there is also a glow that comes from within.

Over the Christmas season, this exchange happened to me twice, in a profound manner. Once in Save-On Foods in North Vancouver and the other, in a McDonalds in Langley. In conversing with Sharen, we engaged in a deep conversation that spoke of the spirit and what the true beauty of Christmas is- HOPE. Before we parted, I gifted her a Tim Horton’s Gift card. Another angel dressed in red and a garland of glowing lights, made it possible for me to purchase gift cards and hand them out, to those in need.

In the other exchange I had, it was with a young Manager named Tyler at a McDonald’s location. He took a few minutes, out of his day, to speak with me. Our discussion was on the pureness of what loving and believing in Jesus has brought us both, in reassurance that we each have a bigger purpose in this life. After we had shared, I went to my car and gifted him a copy of my book. He offered to pay for it, yet the value of his words, the beautiful message he conveyed, had truly been such a gift to me.

In between the joy of many blessings received, I was hospitalized twice during the past month, as the stress has taken it’s toll on me.  

However, on the last visit, I was grateful for the dignity I received as Lions Gate Hospital. Prior to speaking with my family Doctor, Bharminder Gill, I was nervous about going to Emergency. I have high anxiety at hospitals, due to the loss of my 21 year old daughter and having to say goodbye to her at the Hospital morgue. As I have two disorders, the one that is triggered worse than the other, is my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Dr. Gill assured me that a ‘Letter of Support’ would be sent over to the ER and upon my arrival, I was to mention it. The intake/ admittance nurses read over my letter, and I was welcomed in with compassion by Amber and Justine. After a long wait, in a busy ER, I was brought to the back to sit in a comfortable recliner. I was also given much appreciated warm, flannel blankets. The man next to me, Chris, was friendly and helpful. His wife worked at the hospital but was on maternity leave. Later, she came to visit with their two children. When his mom came, I was given a container of soup, for which I was deeply appreciative!

The attending Doctor that saw me, Dr. John MacGregon was attentive and kind to every patient he spoke with. As I was sitting in a row of patients, with only a thin curtain, I was privy to knowing this.

Returning to my small car, I was elated to hear the news that as an early Christmas gift by my mother and brother, I would spend the holidays at a local Airbnb in Langley. I stayed in the Birch Room and it was such a luxury for me to be able to stretch out my swollen legs and feet!

The area was familiar to me, as I use to live in Langley, Cloverdale and Surrey, over a ten year span. Only a few blocks away, I also wrote and worked on my novel, in an award -winning Japanese Gardens- Thyme on 43^rd.

The area holds many wonderful memories of walks we use to take, when Shayla would come and visit. One of my favourite places to stop in, was Cedarbrook Bakery, which I found still there, and I treated myself to some favourite holiday delights.

My warmest welcome happened when I arrived at the place I was staying. The Holiday hosts, Sam and Dalia treated me wonderfully, as a guest and since there was another person staying from Germany, we had wonderful conversations about all topics- politics, religion, children, bereavement and even peanut butter pie! I found a lot of similarities between Dalia and I, including our love for The Colophone Café in Bellingham, WA.

The Colophon Cafe has offered casual, healthful dining in the heart of the historic Fairhaven district since 1985

There is a connection to my daughter in all of this, as when she was a teenager, many of a trip was made to Bellingham and area, including our favourite café that served the most delicious Peanut Butter Pie!

I would later acquire the recipe from Dalia, who shared with me the yummy treat from Epicurious.

In our conversation, I also explained how Shayla and I loved to go visit Pike Place Market and there was an old ‘fortune-telling’ machine with the magic of Zoltar. We would burst into laughter reading our fortunes and then head over to Daily Dozen Doughnut Co. The fondest memories I have of these random road trips to the USA.

On one of my short trips to the store, I saw from afar, an array of Jones cream soda’s. As I approached, I was excited to see on the label, the ZOLTAR image from Pike Place, where we would visit for our ‘fortunes’. This made me smile in one of those special ways of connection from my heart to the heavens.

Another connection I discovered was the artistic abilities we both shared- me with my writing and Dalia, with an exceptional artistic eye for design, colour and skills! When she showed me an outfit she had handcrafted for Comic- Con, that had her hand glue on a gazillion sequins, her patience and abilities astounded me! In showing me her extraordinary designs, I absolutely loved a mini purse design with glittery wings on one side and galaxy wings on the other! Dalia took note of this, for when I awoke Christmas morning, there was a gift bag of wonderful goodies, that included a proper mask- for your face- the kind you rinse off 😊  and the fabulous mini-purse that has a shiny heart and a sliver of a gold moon. Dalia’s amazing and original patterns, can be found on Etsy and Instagram, under the name Zagpie Designs.

In return, I gave of course, what I have…two copies of my book, for others to discover the beauty, mystery and love of Ospero Falls, BC.

Another highlight, was the amazing Christmas dinner Dalia spent the day preparing, then served later on. This was not something that was expected. So to share in a lovely Christmas meal with both Dalia and Sam, was so wonderful! She made a delicious cabbage, root creamed vegetables dish that was so good!

The other angel who extended their kindness was someone who presented their heart-warming generosity! Again, they know who they are, and I hope in reading my post, will understand just how much I was blessed in our interactions!

As a result of their compassion, I was able to get more comfort and warm.

I also watched the touching movie, Dear Evan Hansen.

There was so much, even as a 50 year old woman, that I could relate to… the song selections spoke to my inner child and I thought of how my own previous life interruptions, affected people’s lives.

In my short time spent at this house, I could see for myself, why my path had crossed with others.

Leaving the Airbnb was hard to do, and I had even looked into staying another few days, but due to its popularity, it was booked!

On my departure, I was prayed over and given one last fantastic recommendation…to go for a bite to eat at Brogan’s Diner, in Langley.

The first thing that greeted me was Betty Boop (my daughter was an avid collector of this fun loving icon). The whole restaurant is decked out in memorabilia of other legendary figures. As a lover of positive quotes, there were many to be found.

The day I arrived for something to eat, the waitress ( a mature woman), was serving the whole restaurant. In doing her best, she was trying to manage many tables and when a couple came in, she seated them and shared she would be with them shortly. As she loaded up her arms to deliver several plates of delicious food, the couple stood and left in a huff. I could tell this affected her personally and she was upset. When she came to my table to serve me my wonderful breakfast, I commented, “You are doing an amazing job and thank you for being here today!” From beyond her rimmed glasses, I could see her hold back her tears as she muttered, “Thank you so much!”

When I went to leave, I gave her an extra five dollars on top of regular tip. She was thrilled and I thought about how little it takes to make someone’s day.

Often the most valuable of gifts come in a lengthy phone-call, from a cherished friend and sister in Christ, as in my telephone conversation from Leanna. She is a devoted soul, to her church, her family, work and friends. When we were talking, laughing and even through tears, the one thing that Leanna said to me, resonated…she spoke of how all of my interactions, had brought me many blessings, but most of all it had given me moments of dignity that were overflowing with LOVE.

A little token of my Appreciation that I left behind at the Airbnb (Gratitude pebble and a small plaque that reads: "Home is where Love lives."  

It was when I take the time to unwind myself from the role of being an outcast, that I am reminded of all the continual, beautiful, interactions serve, such a wonderful purpose in my unsettled life. 

I also am most grateful for the outpouring of prayers that have held my name and those who continue to offer their love and support! 

It had me think for a moment about this question that was presented to me:

What if God was not here on earth?

You think people can be cruel now, imagine us without the presence of our Creator. You think we are brutal to each other no, imagine the world without the Holy Spirit. You think there is loneliness, despair and guilt now…imagine the life without the touch of Jesus.

No forgiveness, No Hope. No acts of kindness. No words of Love. No more food given in his name. No more songs sung to his praise. No more deeds done in his honour. If God took away his angels, his grace, his promise of eternity and those serving hearts, what would the world be like?

In two words- pure hell. No one to comfort you and no music to soothe you. A world where poets don’t write of love and minstrels don’t sing of hope; for love and hope were passengers on the last ship. The final vessel has departed, and the anthem of hell has only two words: “if only.”

~ Just Like Jesus Max Lucado

In the end, this Christmas season, due to the kindest of hearts, giftings and love, I learned from the timeless holiday classics…

I became Linus, reunited with my blanket of comfort, my heart grew three sizes, and I embraced the winter tales lesson of self-acceptance- in that even though I am different, I STILL have something to offer.

By TL Alton