Often when something is broken, we will spend much time in navigating our pain through means that are only numbing the agony- instead of realizing the answer to all the madness- is really within our reach. ~ TL Alton
Ever since
the day my daughter’s life ended on December 12th, 2011, I have been
a spider caught in a web of deceit, heartache and displacement.
I have kept
secret certain circumstances regarding the death of Shayla private and will
continue to keep some information confidential, in hopes one day the whole
truth will finally come out, about what really happened. I have been fortunate
that over time, an Investigator has gathered information, which can prove my
daughter’s crash, was no accident.
I believe,
it will only be a matter of time before those responsible, will be held
accountable- for their roles, which to the tragic death of my child.
My blog post isn’t entirely about this, in fact…my entry is about something that finally broke within me, a revelation so eye-opening…. I now better understand why I am writing this from a place of displacement- again.
In sharing
the following, I would like to mention those also struggling prior to the
holidays. Those whose homes were flooded and ravaged by the waters, who lost
their home and whose lives have forever changed!
Our
province, our Country and our world is in crisis, and I have prayed for all of
those affected, wishing I could do more!
In connection to release of matters of my heart, which go back ten years, I know this: It is not going to change the fact that my daughter is gone.
What I hope
in my post, is for people to not judge me, for what they think they know about
my journey. I would rather have people see there is far more to the
circumstances and sad story of a young girl, trapped and submerged in her
vehicle on December 12th, 2011.
That due to
a several conversations prior to her passing, my daughter provided the answers
that many have no idea about. Her words have haunted me for the past ten years
and I want others that are ‘responsible’ for what transpired, to know, I have
never let go of the real truth.
The whole reality of the matter is this...Shayla called me on Dec 9th
from Kamloops (where she lived and was in her third year of attending Thompson
Rivers University) to say she was driving to Kelowna /McKinley area, to see a new
baby that was born.
The devastating part for me- is Shayla was supposed to go on reading
break- on a Greyhound bus and travel to Kelowna...but she couldn't wait!
At first, I told her no way in hell are you driving the winter
roads! She laughed and I will never forget her response...
“Momma, one day you will have to learn to let me go!"
"Oh momma, I just packed for the weekend....I only have a box of
stuff for the Thrift Store that was put in the back and I'm running out of
time, so I will drop it off in Kelowna."
As I type this, I am so upset that I never questioned if that deadly box was taped shut, closed up, or asked her to put it in her trunk instead!!
I want to just scream back my words: No babygirl, check the box...Please...
Here's some background info...after my daughter died, ‘friends’ of hers had someone they know dive into the Reservoir and retrieve Shayla’s personal belongings. The Police had no idea, they were never contacted and nor was I, until after the fact. Shayla’s cell phone was never found, yet would mysteriously re-appear, back in Kamloops- after her death.
A North American Engineer, was hired and gave a detailed report of what
happened on the day Shayla’s car ended up submerged in the frozen waters of
McKinley Reservoir. The report I have, states the untapped, unclosed box of
goods for the Thrift Store, came open as Shayla drove into a deep hairpin
corner. The contents opened up and spilled forward under her seat and something
rolled under the break, preventing my daughter, from being able to step on the
break pedal. Her speed accelerated and Shayla
lost control of her car! The report shows, in a panic and out of sheer
desperation, she tried to correct the cars alignment, yet it was too late!
I also have a more details and an Investigators report that Shayla’s car
crash and death were preventable. The other contents of this report is being
kept private and sealed, until charges in the matter can be laid.
There also is an eerie and disturbing fact that $25,000 Life Insurance
Policy was taken out on my daughter( not by me)….and it was cashed in, right
after her death! It was also kept hidden from me, until it was discovered that
a said individual did their best to deny it’s existence, until the truth was
revealed. Prior to her death, Shayla had me as her mother, a beneficiary on her
University Life Insurance Policy. I was removed- without knowledge- until I
spoke with Shayla, and she confided in me, she had been convinced to switch
over her Policy to someone in her life. I never thought anything about it, as
she was only 21 and it did not matter to me, as she had made a young adult
decision. I also was told her car had been privately worked- only days before
her trip- by the said person who collected her Life Insurance.
There are also many inconsistences about her travels, the purpose and
the outcome.
In the past five years, I have been displaced three times. Living out of my car, with serious health issues. Last summer, I had a stroke and aneurysm. This year, I had the hole in my heart repaired and two weeks ago, I was rushed to the hospital, believed to have had another TIA.
After losing my job last year as a Labourer due to COVID, I have never recovered in
re-establishing myself.
I spent 5 hours cleaning my suite, packing up mine and my daughter’s things and moving back into my mini car. I made several trips to drop off donations to the Burnaby HOSPICE Thrift store and I found a young man in need to give my bottles and cans too.
This week, the night before I was to leave my suite, I took a much needed break from sorting and packing. Sitting down, I stared at the mound of boxes, donations to be given and abruptly burst into tears! I was looking at one box in particular, which had clothing and items jutting out. I had not closed it up, nor had I taped it.
Abruptly, my PSTD was heavily triggered, and I fell to the floor, in tears.
The truth is, I have been awash with guilt and shame over the box that Shayla had travelled with! I had spoken to my daughter, several times and never had it occurred to me that I had transferred over to myself, the blame of that day!
I have had recurring nightmares, where Shayla is screaming at me in the
darkness of the frozen waters, to come ‘save her!’
I have carried the burdens that when she first called me in Kamloops,
about the Life Insurance, I should have questioned her more!
I blame myself that when she called me about to depart on the road, I
didn’t ask about the box!
I feel the guilt when I learned her car had been worked on- specifically
her four tires- that I didn’t ask her more! Likewise, I am wracked with
heartache that I couldn’t stop her from leaving… and I have lived with such
shame- knowing, had any of these circumstances were to have changed, Shayla
would still be alive!
I know for a period of time this year; I also went to a whole new level
of darkness in seeking someone from my past. I pushed more and more, in our
phone conversations, seeking to be in a realm of obscurity that feels like
‘home’ to me.
its as if darkness takes an elevator ride through my soul and departs on the main floor.
I have been carrying the guilt of others, the brokenness of making
myself abandoned and punishing myself with the discord- I feel I deserve, to
keep putting myself through!
“Shayla wouldn’t want you to continue to carry this weight!”
So a major shift has occurred and instead of the burden of blame, I am striving to survive- daily!
The one constant companion of mine has been my book, Under the Sitka
Tree. Over a week ago, I had a breakdown in tears, as I struggled what to do
with the future of my novel? Would Shayla want me to keep tight control over Sitka
or would she want me to let it go?
After many prayers, I signed a contract with Oldale Publishing that
ensures its future and further release. This doesn’t get me out of living in my
car, but all of Leon Oldale’s hard work and dedication, have secured further
release of my book on Amazon and Kindle!
I have good reason to mention UTST, as it’s a source of income for me,
when it sells.
I have been blessed by those who have purchased the paperback versions of my novel; family, friends and strangers who have shared in the beautiful promise to my late babygirl...Thank you from my heart to yours...💝
The time being, I have a lot to reconcile within myself and stop being stuck on December 12th, 2011.
A large part of me, will never abandon the need for the truth, to finally come out about Shayla's untimely death.
In that, I find similarities- a place not of isolation but of
connection- where everyone... has stories of heartbreak to share. 💔💦
No comments:
Post a Comment