There’s a line from the movie, “Redeeming Love,” where the character
Michael says to Angel:
“You didn’t choose the life you had…but you CAN choose the
life you want.”
We ALL have to make that choice.
Growing up, without a proper father figure- having a distorted
view of what role men would play in my life- saw me chase after a forbidden
cycle of seeking love, all in the wrong places.
Time after time, I found myself going back to a place where I
no longer had a right to be!
I risked my own soul, imprisoning myself into a box, where I
struggled to break free out of.
I rejected any aspect of real love, in favour of the abusive
kind that I had entangled myself in, since a little girl.
Pushing those away, who were genuinely caring, I clung to
those that stripped me of my dignity, staining my darkened soul, with their own
convoluted needs.
In writing this post, it is to take responsibility for my
role, in walking myself into invisible cells… that I gave the trusted key to
those, who had their own bandaged wounds, leak into mine.
At times, the guilt I have carried, has threatened to consume
me with its shame.
I now understand, I have been grieving the loss of innocence,
the childhood stolen from me and the little girl who was subject to horrendous
role playing...only an adult should have known.
I could see the fragments of my brokenness- a reflection in
the waters, I was so desperate to cleanse myself of!
Then, God blessed me with something so precious…that I was
given a second chance in the life of my beloved daughter.
I would strive to protect her from the ‘monsters in the closet,’
and yet…years later, reading through the 29 journals Shayla left behind…I
realized I had at times, failed her just as I had been let down.
Did I love my child beyond measure? Of course! Did I try to
never surrender to my own past demons, in order to make good on my promise to
love and protect her….most certainly!
Yet, as I look back at particular moments in my past, I can
see where I failed my daughter miserably- and own self, in the end.
This is why my own personal, spiritual relationship with my
Heavenly Father, has never been an easy one! For most of my life, I never saw
myself worthy of being held by God’s loving embrace. For I simply did not know
that throughout my own existence.
Then, as I escaped yet another toxic situation with a man (Colin),
bent on my destruction- I realized the role I have sought so hard after- has
always been there! I have a Father God, who knows the immeasurable loss of his
son, Jesus and the ultimate suffering he was put through…for my sins, for the
world’s transgressions.
Since my displacement last December, it now has been ½ a year
I have lived- without a proper home…I have needed to dissect the broken parts
of my life and see where it is that I went ‘off the rails’ and trusted the
wrong person to be a part of my life.
I have also needed to acknowledge the harsh truth in that I
have never felt wanted, loved or fully accepted by a man.
How could I look up in my prayers to the Lord, when I looked
down so ruthlessly on my own self?
Although I wanted to be free of repeating such viscous cycles…I
also yearned to be wholly loved for who I am.
What came as a surprise, was the pure love I have always
sought hard after…was literally already mine!
I exist, not to be an object of lust or to fulfill someone else’s
needs….NO! I exist to fulfill the purpose that God has for me.
I was also blessed with the joy of being part of something
bigger than me; a role that would see my words used for healing, forgiveness
and release in a pure way…in the writing of my novel: “Under the Sitka Tree.”
(UTST)
Having no real sense of roots, Sitka gave me a community of
people that I consider ‘family.’
For every character, reflects on someone I either have known
or are a part of my present life.
Ospero Falls, was created out of love, a place where HOPE thrives,
and people look out for one another.
It is my safe haven. A place where the seeds of healing have
taken form and among the characters in my storyline… I EXIST.
I give thanks…Praises to a God that never left my side, nor
gave up on me!
I did not have to ‘win him over’ or offer parts of me that I
felt were a bargaining tool.
My faith has come with ‘no strings attached.’
It is a place of Unconditional love, patience and dignity that
has been restored through the blood of the Saviour, Jesus Christ.
My sobering moment of understanding my self-worth, has come
only after much suffering, sorrow and loss…all things the Lord knows well.
Recently, my formatter Leon Oldale, from Oldale Publishing worked
‘along-side’ me in going through UTST and making any revisions necessary, in
order to speak the language I have always intended too.
In doing so, I came to understand how my faith has always guided
me- from the darkness- into the LIGHT, with a story that is etched upon my
fragile heart.
Another source of inspiration has come from Canadian Poet/author,
Rupi Kaur, whose book “Homebody,” is a declaration to my soul. Her boldness to write
of things unspeakable, is a testimony, to her own personal story of overcoming
and resilience.
As one season has closed and another one beginning, I
continue to explore the many intricate and complex parts of my life…knowing
that the shame has now shifted and replaced with an understanding that I AM
WORTHY of LOVE!
God’s Love has always been engrained with me; I simply needed
to reconnect with the core of the little girl, who was so eager for love… she
was blinded by the distorted versions of it!
By TL Alton
