Rose Coloured Glasses

 

"The arc of creativity, is one that can be lit up at any moment in time, so much as to make an individual stop in an instant, grab anything to write, paint and compose- in order to retain its brilliance.

That is how the spark of creativity happens...it does not wait for an invitation to appear, nor does it let you rest...unless you let it breathe...by releasing it into our world." ~ TL Alton

Throughout my life, I have taken and also taught, several impacting courses that changed the course of my journey.
One such workshop I found myself a participant of, was on fear and trauma.

The corresponding link to each other, has been carefully dissected by Gabor Mate.

In my previous posts, I have referenced him often, as Gabor's research has shown the direct connection between stress and it's ill effects on our bodies.

In this workshop, I learned about always wearing 'rose-coloured glasses,' when we first meet someone, begin a new friendship, start a job or find ourselves in unfamiliar surroundings.

In viewing life through these tinted lenses, we embrace optismism; giving us a chance to be positive about something or someone.

This outlook, places everyone or aspect of daily living, on the same leveled playing field - as everthing else and opens us up to connecting with others, in a positive way. 

Therefore, each new individual I meet or encounter I have, is covered with pink hues of gratitude- until I remove them and the more realistic notions of who a person is or what the life experiences I have been immersed in- are exposed for what they truly are- good or bad- I do not pass judgements when first introduced. This allows me to see people as they should be viewed ~ without the mistake of 'judging a book, by its cover.'

As a mother, I passed onto my beloved daughter Shayla Rae Dawn, the same ideals and understanding of how powerful- yet misconstrued perceptions can be, when not wearing and viewing life, through the rose coloured glasses. 

I raised Shayla  to understand how key it is, to allow others to be who they are, as long as that does not negatively affect one another. 

This defined her outlook on those hurting and in need; in addition to carving out the path of wanting to help others, her pursuit of becoming a social worker allowed her to be the accepting, loving, free spirit she was. 

I've worn my own rise coloured glasses, in meeting new individuals, sharing in friendships, being introduced to co-workers, bosses and various work and living environments, along with relationships, in general.

Removal of them, often reveals a stark contrast where indeed as my Publisher, Leon Oldale, would share...

"perception is everything!"

I wholeheartedly agree!

A good example of stress on the body, is when every night I retreated to my small living space, in the floathouse I shared with others- the stress of my daily unhealthy situation, saw me clench and grind my teeth so badly that I would awaken -like clockwork- at 5am, to sore, aching gums and sensitive teeth.

Yet, I also arrived at work, wearing my rose coloured glasses, so as to offer a perception of daily joy, to those I happily served.

When my daughter tragically passed away, I felt Shayla remove her set of glasses and hand back to me in their place, a golden torch of compassion. One that burned so bright, it was a beacon of hope that helped me carry on, even in the most toxic of situations. 

My sweet Angel, Shayla Rae Dawn and her fierce Momma bear, Tonya 💖🦋💖

"Fight on Fighter"~ For King & COUNTRY


 

Even with my current circumstances, of sprawling beauty, solitude and a safe, healing environment; I know this is my 'temporary home', a place of transition~ before the next chapter unfolds and reveals itself. There are no expectations... As boundaries between landlord and tenant, have been firmly established. 

Often with my writing, I never really plan my next post on my blog...rather letting the words inside of me, begin with their stirrings...until I find myself overcome with all of their sentiments, needing to pour out and be shared. 

Ironically, I am writing this last post, prior to my next TEE Procedure for my heart- prior to me going to Vancouver General Hospital- to actually have it done.

I will let you, the reader, figure out the significance of that.

Due to me having this specific procedure before ( a whole year has already passed since having the first one done), I know what to expect.

As a result, I will put on my rose coloured glasses, one last time and let the powers that be...guide me through it 🙏🏻💖🦋✨️

*I dedicate this post to those targeted, to those shot and whose lives were abruplty taken in

 Langley, British Columbia~ for those the most vulnerable...there remains no justice. 💔💦💔

VIDEO LINK: "Flying Without Wings" ~ Westlife

https://youtu.be/vKPGxGCFgTs

By TL Alton 

Lost Luggage

    

 Years ago, I remember friends of mine, who had spent a whole year planning a trip to a secluded Caribbean Island resort. 

They spent hours pouring over the customs and cultural of the Caribbean people, their food, the activities offered and the paradise they would be immersed in. 

When the time came for their departure, my friends, whose expectations were very high, boarded a plane and flew off into their next adventure.

What they had not counted on was their luggage, packed with everything they would need for their travels, did not make it onto the plane with them. In an airline mix-up, their luggage had been mistakenly put on a flight to Colorado. 

Upon their return from their Island Paradise vacation,  I remember sitting down with them in a cafe where the roasted, blended and filtered coffee layered the air,with a beautiful, aromatic, lingering. 

I expected to hear of their many explorations,  see endless photographs of their precious time away and hear captivating stories about the Caribbean culture, they spent two weeks, being a part of.

Having lived on a tight budget and saved up enough for their idealic trip, I was eager to hear of their life experiences, while in the Caribbean- the golden sands clinging to their sandle- free toes and of the exotic meals, they were blessed to eat. 

Unfortunately, what I heard about for the next hour was all about their lost luggage. 

Forget the tropical paradise they had been so fortunate to be a part of...they were consumed with sheer anger and frustration over their paradise being ruined, because she didn't have the itsy bitsy bikini with her- the one she had nearly starved herself a year for- and he didn't have his silk shirts that were folded and tightly packed like a layer of crisps.

They complained about the airlines mix-up, how they still hadn't been compensated, for their 'nightmare vacation' - as they referred to it! 

Despite me asking questions such as how was the food, the resort and the Caribbean culture you both were treated to? My dear friends were focused on the negative so much so- that it swallowed the pristine beauty and paradise, they had spent time immersed in.

I have never forgotten this and it has proved to be a valuable life lesson.

Therefore, in sharing my thoughts on my time spent in Desolation Sound, I prayed over the words I would compose and share about my time there. 

Instead of dwelling on the negative, unforseen circumstances I found myself in, I am choosing to write about the one day of pure joy, happiness and peace, I found myself surrounded by.

While working, I discovered CBC broadcaster Grant Lawrence would be reading from his best selling stories from his books, "Adventures in Solitude" and "Return to Solitude," interwoven with his highly-rated podcasts and infused with his beautiful wife, Jill Barbers vocals. Included in this special event, was Ashleigh Ball's singing, that filled the foundation of where we the audience, were privileged to be a part of. 

I was blessed by the personal signing Grant wrote for me~ in his book I purchased, 'Adventures in Solitude.'

In between laughter and song, Grant- whose birthday was that very day, entertained us, while both Jill and Ashleigh lulled us into a soothing state, with their phenomenal voices, which carried over into the sea. 

I imagined the outpouring of creativity colliding with the pounding surf, and being tussled among the waves, holding onto the harmonies. 

Refuge Cove Gallery had brought Grant's "Stories and Songs," to a place where I had sought healing from my own prior health and life experiences. 

Matt and Christine, proprietors of "Refuge Cove Gallery" who put on the outstanding event of Grant Lawrence and Friends.

This place I had come to work and explore was for the same reasons others chose it...as a place of solitude and refuge.

Only months before, I found myself in the complete opposite situation- one of fearing for my life! 

I had an open Police File, on a man who drugged me daily, scammed me of hundreds of dollars and assaulted me nightly- for a two week period, before I gathered enough strength to escape and contact the local authorities!

Inspite of my scars on my heart, and the battles I have overcome, I greeted every single customer I served -working in the general store- with exceptional service and a smile. 

I also found my 'wounds' cleansed by the deep sea and a connection to my late daughter, Shayla, here. Being born in February, she was a 'fish in water' and savored the ocean, and delighted in swimming, in Okanagan Lake. 

Her Heavenly presence was placed upon my heart in such a way, I felt as if she was 'protecting me' from the nefarious actions of others.

Having passed, before Christmas in 2011, from a sudden car crash at age 21....both her and I shared a common thread in standing up to our bullys. 

On the difficult days I endured- crying myself to sleep over the bullying I had to put up with (despite my pleas for him to stop), I also took solace in knowing, I have survived the very worst day of my life, when my daughter's car entered the frozen reservoir...with her in it! 

Nothing compares you, to having your only child pass away...

My tender heart has needed a whole lot of TLC, ever since then. 

First Aid kit I would need...

My beloved daughter Shayla Rae Dawn and I xo

The day I spent listening to Grant read and hearing the intricate harmonies of Jill and Ashleigh, filled my weary spirit with healing and wellness. 

Ashleigh Ball and Jill Barber wowing the crowd with their beautiful harmonies

Jill Barber performed songs from her upcoming album, "Homemaker." 

I decided to try and focus on the positive and the blessings found in being surrounded by the brilliance of Island life! The first time, I slid off a dock and into the salty waters, I felt my built up tension... relieved. 

I saw starfish, jellyfish and an abundance of sea life- everything except for whales, orcas and seals! 

My daily highlight was to make clear, sweet water for the many hummingbirds that gathered outside my window. Their constant buzzing, was a gentle reminder that life can seem fleeting, so much that we need to slow down and appreciate the beauty in the littlest of things.

As I write this, I am drinking my brewed coffee, from the giftware I bought at the store where I worked~ a mug with the adorable depiction of a seal. 

While working at the store, a combination of stress and the recent heatwave were causing havoc, on the GORE device, I have on my heart...to close a hole in it. I was born with the PFO (hole in my heart) and fortunate enough, after a Stroke and an Aneurysm, to have it surgically repaired, last summer.  

I was thankful, when my best friend Judy sent me in the mail, more medications for my thyroid issue and for my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder , that I acquired...after my daughter was killed.

I also received an important phone call from Vancouver General Hospital, that the TEE Procedure I had waited a year to have done, was now scheduled for August 19th. 

Originally, I had my flight on CorilAir, set for picking me up on August 15th. 

Due to unforseen circumstances, I needed to leave 2 weeks earlier or risk having a heart attack, at a location, out in the middle of the Salish sea. 

Prior to my departure, I had shared with my one roommate, Roman, about the loss of my only child and the last, poignant, journal entry Shayla had written, only 3 days before she died.

 Roman had requested I email it to him and I did so, as it has been shared world-wide. 

Later that night, as I read my daughter's wise- beyond her years- words, I realized I hadn't been kind to myself and holding onto the heartache I endured while living, temporarily in a floathouse with two other men, who were also my co-workers. 

I looked at what I had taped to my bedroom wall~ a quote that I always put on display, in every remote location I've ever worked in.

These reminders, helped me to understand that I was not valued here any longer and my self-worth had depleted.

Despite greeting visitors, locals and guests with the community, with wonderful customer service, I was being subjected to tears- on a daily basis. 

It was then, I realized my health and wellness needed to be my top priority and I booked a flight on the next floatplane (August 1st).

Flying over the vast blue sea, I remained silent while my kind- hearted pilot Shannon, navigated the course. 

The most extraordinary views from my floatplane seat...

She had shown up, to find me in great distress, on the morning of my 7:30 am departure!

My device, was once again set off, by the chaos and stress inflicted by a former co-worker.

Shannon had graciously packed in all of my belongings and I was deeply grateful for the chartered, private flight, paid for by the company I had worked for.

Once in the air, I felt my heart murmurs leveling off and I soaked in all of the beautiful visions I had been blessed to see! 

My Neurologist had urged me to be in a place of little stress, prior to my TEE.  Therefore, I was thankful when Roman wished me well with my upcoming hospital procedure. 

It's true that often times things that are rooted in negativity can be simply turned around with the proper management. 

For me, I returned only to be sick for days, unsure what was the problem, I even took a Covid-19 test.

 It came back negative.

My health issues were attributed to all of the negative space I had been surrounded in, while living in confined quarters with another roommate, whose daily bombardment, made it difficult to carry on in a positive manner.

However, the feeling of unwellness, finally lifted days later when I realized...

I was now in a safe place of transition and true healing. 

For me, I now understand that the whole life lesson, was more about the journey- rather than the destination- in that what we often run away from still finds a way to cling to us....in a new way. 

Within the sprawling countryside of where I am currently at, there is an honest feeling of refuge. 

One where the next chapter of my life begins and as for my 'lost luggage'...I've handed it over to those who have a better authority over the matters that threatened to consume me, in such a place of paradise- I only hold the Joy near and dear to my weary heart.

By TL Alton 

 

TRUTH~ Dial it in!

 

Your Perception – May Not be my Reality. ~ William Shakespeare

Over thirty years ago, I was misdiagnosed with an illness that saw me faithfully take a multitude of medications- that I did not need.

At the time, my family Doctor was perplexed at what was causing my health issues and I was treated with various medications- to the degree of an excess amount. At one point, I was prescribed OxyContin, yet thankfully I had the foresight not to fill that prescription.

For those who may not know, OxyContin is a highly addictive, dangerous Opioid, which can lead to a potential, fatal overdose.

Opioids are powerful drugs intended to treat serious afflictions. Chronic pain changes the way people live their lives and a prescription to a drug like OxyContin can give them a more normal life. The issue is that in the past 20+ years, OxyContin has been over-prescribed and over-sold as a low risk Opioid. The risks of OxyContin were downplayed as much as possible in order for the new drug to play well on the market. Source: addictioncenter.com

Thankfully, a change in doctors saw me be taken off the regiment of  my other daily medications and soon followed a diagnosis of Bipolar.

As a patient, I was assessed three times, as not one specialist could agree with the other that I actually suffered from this mental disorder.

Seeking answers and wanting to be an accommodating patient, I willfully began taking three new medications that would affect my nervous system.

Lithium can cause adverse effects in the central and peripheral nervous system, even at standard therapeutic serum lithium levels.

When my 21 year old daughter tragically passed away in a car crash before Christmas 2011, my medications remained the same, even though another doctor had prescribed another drug. Due to my research and diligence, I discovered this prescription had the ill side effects of the following:

‘Hallucinations, paranoia, suicidal thoughts and insomnia.”

Now, this was a powerful drug that was to be taken by myself~ a grieving mother, whose only child had just died!

Again, I refused such a medication that would seriously interfere with the bereavement process.

In doing so, the natural state of grieving was allowed to run its course through the 7 stages of loss:

Shock. Feelings of shock are unavoidable in nearly every situation, even if we feel we have had time to prepare for the loss of a loved one. ...

Denial. ...

Anger. ...

Bargaining. ...

Depression. ...

Acceptance and hope. ...

Processing grief.

It has been ten years now since my beloved daughter, Shayla Rae Dawn passed and one thing that remains the glaring TRUTH- A parent never gets over the death of their child(ren).

This year, I could have not predicted a chain of events that would lead to the realization that I had been misdiagnosed, for over thirty years, taking medications that affected my weight, my health and my wellness.

This past spring, I sought out treatment for what I assumed was an urinary tract infection. Due to the backlog of the pandemic, doctors and nurses were in high demand. I found myself at, a Urgent Care Medical Facility. They handle the excess of patients needing medical care in a short-term environment. I was not seen by a doctor, rather a nurse, who proceeded to give me four, extra-strength Advil®- in a small, medicine cup.

As a mental health advocate for over twenty years and someone who has sat on a Mental health Consumer Council, plus taught the B.R.I.D.G.E.S course to others living with various mental health illness, I also drew my knowledge from the years of research I had done on my medical condition and how best to successfully live and manage a mental disorder. When this nurse handed me the four extra-strength Advil, I simply remarked:

Are you sure these Advil®, won’t have a toxic interaction, with the Lithium I have been taking for many years?

Clearly the look on her face expressed how she was not at all happy with me questioning her and tersely replied, “I am a nurse and know better than you do!”

Therefore, in front of her, I took my bottle of water and swallowed all four of the Advil® (ibuprofen).

This would prove to be an almost fatal mistake on my part!

Research shows: Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs such as ibuprofen may significantly increase the blood levels of lithium in some patients and cause lithium intoxication, which is potentially life-threatening and may require hospitalization.

As I relay this story, another important factor was that due to two previous job losses-because of the pandemic- on December 1^st, 2021, I became displaced - when I no longer had any income and needed to move out of my suite and into my small, Nissan Micra car.

While seeking other means of assistance, a dear friend of mine, was the one who kept me from dying in my car. Since I was a single woman- without any addictions or dependants- I did not qualify to stay in a shelter. To show how cold it was in my cramped vehicle, a can of soda in the seat of my car, split the aluminum can in two- from the minus, freezing, bitter, winter weather!

My friend Terry, who I met in church, many years ago... secured a hotel room for me, for a lengthy period of time.

Despite me having two vaccinations and a booster (last summer, I had surgery to fix a hole in my heart and now wear a GORE device on my heart), I still managed to be stricken with a bad bout of the Coronavirus Omicron! I was gravely ill and had it not been for my dearest friend Terry, securing me shelter, I would have certainly perished in my car!

Moving forward, after taking the four extra-strength Advil® administered by a local nurse, she also encouraged me to take more... when the pain became too much to deal with.

Therefore, I was increasing my dosages- to the point- where I became severely dehydrated, and a myriad of symptoms/side effects began to present themselves:

When combined with lithium, NSAIDs can increase lithium levels in the blood resulting in an increased risk for serious adverse effects like confusion, tremor, slurred speech, and vomiting. Examples of non-prescription NSAIDs include: Ibuprofen (Advil® or Motrin®)

I reached out to my friend Terry, as I grew concerned as to what was going on with me?

At the time, I had been at a hotel for one night only and had pre-booked a local Airbnb for myself.

Another set of circumstances, would see me in the hospital- fighting for my life!

In my state of delirium, I was misguided into thinking driving to the local Shoppers Drug Mart for more liquids such as bottled water, pop and juices to quench my severe dehydration was a good idea!

Once I was at a nearby location of the drugstore, I walked up to the till.

I explained my dire need for beverages and the four extra-strength Advil® I had been given.

The head Pharmacist, a young lady, took one look at me and said:

“Ma’am, I am going to have to call you an ambulance.”

I was in shock, as I had just checked into the Airbnb and my car was packed full of my belongings!

I address in another previous blog, the instant assistance I received both from Shopper’s Drug Mart and the Buy- Low Foods, where my car would remain, while I was rushed by ambulance to the local hospital.

Had it not been for the quick thinking Pharmacist, who had also asked about what other medications I was taking? Again- I know- I would not be here to type this post!

Once I was hospitalized and series of tests and bloodwork ran on me,  the doctor on call,  came dashing in- clearly flustered as he proclaimed:

“You are suffering from lithium toxicity and your kidneys and liver are under attack! You are only at a 9% functioning rate!”

The immediate response was to quit administering all of my medications- at once!

I was left alone, in a hospital bed, where for days I endured severe withdrawals- vomiting, I had diarrhea, cramping, body tremors and was sweating all over! I had hallucinations and severe headaches, plus was dizzy all of the time!

It was only much later, when I discovered to my absolute dismay that a patient on Lithium should go through the withdrawal process gradually over several months- not in a few days!

It's best to reduce your dose gradually. Stopping medications suddenly (going cold turkey) can make withdrawal symptoms worse, and for some medications can be dangerous. It's important to get more medication in advance so that you don't have to stop suddenly. Source: mind.org.uk

After a week of hospitalization, I was seen by a doctor, a psychiatrist and several Social workers.

I was shocked when I was being told that neither of them thought I was Bipolar and there was the possibility... that I had been misdiagnosed!

Combining the Advil®  (Ibuprofen) with the Lithium, I had been prescribed and faithfully taking for over thirty years, almost proved to be a near fatal experience!

At one point, during my hospital stay, a chaplain came in- to pray for me- should anything happen.

Upon my leaving the hospital and wanting to carry on with my life, I had been struggling with my (mis)diagnosis of my Bipolar.

The very last chat with my family Doctor, he suggested a complete reassessment of my mental health and wellness.

It bothered me a great deal that I had been stuck with a label that sees the stigmatization of individuals happen within society- especially in the workplace. 

Now, there is no doubt I have dealt with depression and anxiety before, yet to be given medications your body does not need, can cause serious health issues. 

In keeping a journal for many years, I can see myself wading into a miry pit of lows and times of anxious thoughts, which kept me believing that I did actually have Bipolar.

This all said, being a mental health advocate for over 30 years, having taught mental health and wellness courses, touring with the BC Schizophrenia society and speaking to LPN's, nurses, human service workers, plus having several friends with concrete diagnosis...

I've been talking to God, praying, researching and I think at my lowest point in the hospital, when my kidneys and liver were only functioning at 9%... as I thrust my arms to the heavens, tears streaming down my face...I cried out to Jesus...

Take this pain and misery from me Lord!

I honestly believe he did!

Once back on my feet again and getting accustomed to no longer taking a blister pack of medications, I began re-assessing, certain aspects of my life.

Especially when it came to the book I had written so candidly about and my Bipolar journey, along with the connection to my daughter and my creativity.

So then, since the 4th polished version of my book Under the Sitka Tree, had been updated and released on Amazon, I contacted my publisher and requested that Bipolar be stricken from the book, both inside and out (on the back cover).

My wise Publisher, Leon Oldale, suggested I rest overnight on it, but he would do whatever I requested~ with regards to any references of me having Bipolar.

The next morning I awoke, and prayed over what was placed upon my heart...

The following is what I felt God would say to me about the whole matter…

My dear child, you have lived most of your life in a chaotic manner. When you were enduring all of the abuse you suffered, I was there holding on to you, wiping every single tear you cried.

When at 31, the madness placed upon you by the enemy was too much, you wanted nothing more than the ‘pain’ to leave you…

You know what transpired that night I fought so hard for you…

I saved you...so you could go on 'saving' others. You were given this diagnosis because it was something you would then learn from, acquire knowledge and find mercy, love and grace in helping others who too suffered.

You taught courses, devoted many years to those in need, you became closer to your daughter and wrote a poignant story that was published. Shayla was so proud of you. You were able to be a beacon of hope to those (like some of your friends) who were struggling as well.

To strike from your book, the disorder I had you live with, is to deny the healing I brought you through.

I am your loving father, who at just the right time in your life, has lifted that disorder from you... but not what all you have gained...because of it.

Accept that you have been blessed to be healed. Just as you lived your entire life, not knowing you had a hole in your heart, embrace the truth, the way and the life.

Do not turn your back on something I had you endure and learn from...go out and share, be humbled by all that I brought you through. Grow from everything you were blessed with, because of the diagnosis; rather than deny how it formed you into who you are.

I am your loving father who will continue to  offer redeeming love and guide you...

Therefore, the next email I wrote, was to my Publisher Leon Oldale and I said:

Please leave the Bipolar references- as is- for I need to acknowledge all that I have been blessed with... is because of it.

Shortly after, I listened to the following song that spoke volumes on what I was feeling inside…

"John Mayer – Say What You Need to Say…”

https://youtu.be/kz8-U8ggQNU

I could not deny that being given the (mis) diagnosis of this mental illness, has actually given me opportunities to reach out, share and want to support others, living with their own disorders.

Within my acceptance of all that has taken place, I began to understand that sometimes our lives are taken down certain roads… in order to give us life lessons that we need to endure, so as to grant us a better understanding of what ‘taking a stand’, truly means!

It was not long after… that my life would take another sudden turn, to a place where refuge was being offered…yet more endurance would be needed…

By TL Alton