TEN YEARS Later ~ Shayla Rae Dawn

Wreath Left where Shayla died in the Reservoir December 12th, 2011

When on December 12^th, 2011, my only child- my daughter’s life was submerged below the ice-filled reservoir,   I had to navigate my grief journey and do it on my own terms that has seen me still breathe in this world.

In the folds of bereavement, is the old cliché….Time heals everything. I can assure you, ten years into my grief, I don’t much like time, in that I feel the hurt on a deeper level…more than anything. I count ten years without my daughter, ten lonely Christmas’s without her, 10 birthdays comes and gone. After she died tragically in a car crash, I also had to let go of her many caring friends, for my heart could not handle weddings taking place, babies being born, and lives carrying on, while my babygirl became ashes to the wind.

I grew bitter, and full of remorse, guilt that I could never prevent her from driving solo to McKinley Landing- where a baby born into the family- Shayla could not wait to see! I became obsessed with the road and ensuring safety measures were in place- so this absolutely horrible accident, would never happen again! I barged into safety meetings, demanded to be heard and even had a rock memorial placed where Shayla had died in the frozen McKinley reservoir!

They say that times a healer…just how long is this burn suppose to last? ~ The Mortal Instruments

Every December 12^th, I travelled to the area, on my knees I would fall and smash my frail hands against the earth where my daughters lifeless body remained trapped! While I was entrenched in gripping grief, never once did I dare to blame the one thing that remained solid in my life…God. From the very first day of standing over a hole in the ice- the watery grave of my daughter- I was torn inside. There was no room to hold responsible what was human error, after all I took solace in knowing Shayla went home to be with the Lord on December 12^th, 2011. I remembered when she began to first drive, and I gifted her the same wooden cross I had dangling in my vehicle. The cross would have been the last thing her eyes saw, before her car smashed down and careened into the murky, cold waters.

Looking back, I was a soul torn into two- a mother whose child was suddenly and cruelly- ripped away.

It was as if our intertwined spirits, did not know how to accept the abrupt loss and our hearts that beat as one…still had much catching up to do in acceptance.

For Shayla Is my Pārbati

Bound together for life… to fight together and protect each other through life.

IN BATTLE…OUR HEARTS BEAT AS ONE. IF one of us were to die…a part of the other would die inside as well. ~ The Mortal Instruments

Next to the Sanskrit word Vilomah- a word that refers to a parent whose child has died, I could not think of a better word or explanation of the bond that happens between a mother and her baby.

Throughout the 21 short years together, Shayla and I had faced many battles. Some on her own- as in the cruel world of bullying that my daughter battled and in the ever evolving world of mental health. We faced together the harsh realities of those stricken by poverty and addiction crisis, along with the stigma of my own illness.

On the beautiful occasion I was able to see my daughter take a stand for others, it was as if God had allowed me to see His mercy shine upon others. His purpose was her purpose, and her intent was for me to see her strength and embrace her own weaknesses.

When I was nominated for the Courage to Come Back Award, then also one of the many faces of Mental Illness, Shayla proudly shared with a sense of joy! One that is rarely seen with someone who they themselves are struggling for identity.

After her sudden passing, I went on to become a leader for GriefShare- a faith based support group I taught for six months. That only came after two years of counselling and receiving support myself.

Yet if I can offer any insight in ten years of grieving…is this: Emotions are never black and white- neither is light and darkness. While I never succumbed to the atypical source of addictions in alcohol and drugs, I found their was comfort in self-inflicting pain….and no, not in self-harming such as cutting, I found a release in to the darkness connected to my past. One that sees me on a merry go round, where the shadows call my name. In the past ten years- I have been ‘displaced’ without a home three times. I can save the therapy and say, it is because I feel that I am UNLOVED.

With my daughter, we were twins in the sense that joy was shared in a multitude of ways and pain was etched upon our hearts. Both of us suffered from depression and high anxiety. We both, were Survivors of assaults and both of us had been heavily bullied. In times of strife, we turned to one another. We shared the same smile, the same laughter…the same creases in our eyes when our faces were alight with happiness.

The day Shayla died…her car had entered the waters of the reservoir, and the time her last breathe was took…I felt an urgency to check on-line, only to discover they were retrieving her crushed in vehicle, with my daughter passed away- in it. Later, the autopsy report confirmed when she died…my heart knew it!

From there on….I had a choice…seek the light or pursue the darkness.

Many thought, I never would survive her death. I believe they had good reason given the strong bond we had shared, now had been severed.

One of the first things done…was a short hike to an area, overlooking McKinley Landing. Here, a memorial rock cairn was built by my former spouse Paul Padgett. Whatever transpired between he and I, I won’t take away the kindness and love he had for my daughter. I believe my own hurt clouded this and over time, I felt I needed to remove his pain from the two of us. However, he built this memorial right after Shayla passed away and I am including it in the 10 year tribute, as it was the first thing done out of heartache and sorrow.

I also had other important things to focus on…aligning with those whose purpose was to bring safety changed to McKinley Landing Road. Endless road trips, Council held meetings, engineers were commissioned, until finally only months later, nearly a half-million dollars was awarded for those positive changes to occur.

The safety changes to McKinley Road 

Finally, I relented, and the memorial stone was removed. It was heartbreaking as her mother, when I felt the need to constantly share the real truth of that day and what happened. Finally, I gave up on that too, knowing it was pointless. Further down at Dewdney Access #1, due to the donations of Melcor Corporation and The Residents of McKinley Landing, a Memorial Bench was installed, in between two Ponderosa Pines (fitting as they are trees of remembrance). Also, Shayla use to swim down in Okanagan Lake. A balloon release and a few words later, with photos taken of residents Brad and Shane and a bench dedication given…the Memorial bench has been a place for all to come and remember Shayla.

Months later, a phenomenal two-sided remembrance quilt was created by a mother and sister, who Shayla was close to. It was her former boyfriend’s mother who tenderly stitched this together and presented it to me. The front cover of my novel (UTST) has my daughter’s words on it:

“It’s okay to fight…as long as your fighting for someone…or something.”

To honour her Rockhounding, I created The Heart Pebble Movement ~ a cause that saw in over a four year period, between 300- 400 rocks, gemstones and pebbles, be placed all over the world- in Shayla’s memory. 

Shayla's treasured Rose Quartz heart I released back to the ocean, after The Heart Pebble Movement was complete 

In my ten years of blogging, I have written about the endless releases done in locations such as Hawaii, Jamaica, Machu Picchu, various location in England, including Stonehenge and many more! Again, this cause brought me comfort and kept me busy.

Friends and strangers have also done beach tributes, nature tributes out of leaves and flowers, then sent me photographs. I simply cannot include everyone, as my posts are already lengthy.

I’ve shared on her Birthday and on her ‘death day’, how I have brighten the lives of those in need, by gifting treats and sandwiches, coffees all in her memory, as that is what Shayla would want.

When it came time to release her ashes, I travelled to Maui and was joined in love by the locals, who also honoured my daughter's life, with their presence and tears. 

Over the ocean, as I sat on the beaches of Maui, deep in sorrow and after the release of Shayla's ashes, there appeared a brilliant display of transformation...

The last thing I promised my daughter, was the ‘pinky promise’ of the book I wrote. Shayla always understood the purpose of ‘Under the Sitka Tree.’ She knew I was not looking to reap fame or fortune, rather to share my soul journey of survivorship, love found and lost, redemption and forgiveness….most of all….of release.

Last week, I kneeled in prayers and sought what to do to keep ‘Sitka’ going? In what felt like a piece of my heart was broken off…I made the decision to sign a Publishing Contract and place my trust with my formatter, Leon Oldale. This resulted in me having an emotional struggle with truly releasing. For the connection to Shayla runs deep and the book has always held a strong connection between her and I.  

I have kept my promise to my babygirl as I know its what she would want me to do. Part of her life was growing up watching me write and if she were here today, I know she would be sad over the sorrow that threatens to engulf me…My daughter would say: Momma, one day…somebody’s going to love your kind heart and warm soul…

In all of these things, over the past ten years, there has still been a spark that lights up around her memory. For me, it felt like I was completely letting go and it brought me back to the day I stood at the reservoir, to say goodbye.

In reflecting, I feel as if feel I was merely surviving off of her beautiful spark of light and now everything has come full circle. That before me is a place that has only been patiently awaiting me.

YOU DON’T GET TO CHOSE…The light and the dark are both part of you. Whether you like it or not.

I have been very raw and honest about the life I have lived…several times now I have lived out of my small car. Maybe there lays the answer within itself…that without Shayla, I feel there is no real home on this earth.

You cannot run away from grief…it trails you like a violent shadow…Louise Wain’s wife Emily

So maybe that is it…in my weakened and weary state, I’ve finally run out of things to do in her memory and all that awaits is a colossal wave of grief and loss...yet to come.

 …the artist lived a troubled life where often, after momentary happiness, an everlasting catastrophe awaited... Louis Wain was an outcast, a renegade, lonely, frightened yet brave, and resilient. By Sushrut Gopesh

(Shayla) wanted me to keep my promise to finish my book and never stop writing, then I would never feel as if I were alone…when I write I connect with the world…I give them pieces of who I am…in return, they are also relating to me. The spark I feel for Shayla…now that remains a mother’s unconditional love.

By TL Alton 

Mother & Daughter 

VIDEO DEDICATION to Shayla Rae Dawn xox

Freya Ridings - Lost Without You (Official Video) https://youtu.be/tDPpex1wvOc

 

The Years Before

 

WORN -TENTH AVENUE NORTH  

Video: https://youtu.be/zulKcYItKIA

I'm Tired I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I'm worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes…

 

We are made for made in ways that earth does not satisfy. In our current times, when we look to the realm of our world, we are a shattered humanity, each of us seeking something unattainable or at a cost. There is within the beating of our hearts, a pulsating knock that is reminding us of the dust particles from whence we came and will return to… for none of us are going to live forever.

“Collin and his wife, Jordan, wandered through the craft store, looking for a picture to hang in their home. Collin thought he’d found just the right piece and called Jordan over to see it. On the right side of the ceramic artwork was the word grace. But the left side held two long cracks. “Well, it’s broken!” Jordan said as she started looking for an unbroken one on the shelf. But then Collin said, “No. That’s the point. We’re broken and then grace comes in—period.” They decided to purchase the one with the cracks. When they got to the checkout, the clerk exclaimed, “Oh, no, it’s broken!” “Yes, so are we,” Jordan whispered.

What does it mean to be a “broken” person? Someone defined it this way: A growing awareness that no matter how hard we try, our ability to make life work gets worse instead of better. It’s a recognition of our need for God and His intervention in our lives.

The apostle Paul talked about our brokenness in terms of being “dead in [our] transgressions and sins” (Ephesians 2:1). The answer to our need to be forgiven and changed comes in verses 4 and 5: “Because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, makes us alive . . . it is by grace [we] have been saved.”

God is willing to heal our brokenness with His grace when we admit, “I’m broken.”

By Anne Cetas |November 18th, 2021

As I sit in the silence of the early morning hours composing a new entry, I know my time is limited in doing so. For the storm that is outside, now swirls inside. 

My life is soon changing and there is a raw honesty as to what is unfolding. In the midst of this shift is a willingness to share what came before…long before any of what is to transpire.

“The words of Lamentations helped me get up many mornings when the light was as gray as the state of my heart: “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed.” The Hebrew word for “consumed” means “to be used up completely” or “to come to an end.” -ODB

My daughter Shayla grew up with her own storms of chaos and in her strength fought, in putting out little fires, she became a strong force to reckon with. Her childhood, saw her be raised by a mother who battled her mental illness, on a daily basis.

When the mania would strike me, I found myself deeply immersed in community and a passion for helping others. It was my daughter who came alongside myself, to help me fundraise and host events that saw me be a burning star – so full of spark at first and then after the spark of mania fizzled, I would already be onto the next occasion to raise both funds and awareness.

All the while, Shayla would stand by me, her mother that was held together- by particles of light. 

These events would wear me down and I didn’t known at the time, I was feeding an addiction of that chemical imbalance of depression and mania, which saw me say never give up and ‘Impossible means just try again.’

My daughter saw the puzzle pieces of my illness and in figuring them out, she would plea with me to stop feeding the disorder of my Bipolar, the energy it so craved. When I would share with her that just one more time...I realized my addictive traits were simply shining through. The darkness was feeding off the light and I couldn't see the heartache I was causing. Shayla stood by me, time and time again, whenever my BP dreamed up another event or cause to be found. 

This created within her, the routes of wanting to help those in need and less fortunate. 

Throughout the years of teaming up, we managed to care for and assist those in many forms of life.

A fundraiser I created, hosted and held for The Canadian Cancer Society, raised over five thousand dollars with donations for Cancer Research and awareness.

$1,000 worth of meat from Save-On Foods was donated to local Food Bank.

$1,000 worth of supplies; including winter misc. sleeping bags and clothing given to those in need.

Later on, Shayla would be involved twice at TRU, the University she was attending, for the Annual the Camp Out on Campus. She slept outside on cardboard and a sleeping bag, while raising funds and awareness for those in need. 

After Shayla died, and once her Celebration of Life concluded, food was donated to The Gospel Mission.

All the while in my grief, I could hear my daughter (who always saw the best in people) say to me: "Momma, you just have to have faith."

The very last, big event, I held was to raise funds and a $1,000 Bursary Award was given at TRU, in Shayla’s memory.

In the ten years of blogging, I have amassed stories and photographs of my human connections. Times when I relished in the beauty of giving. 

In Victoria, I continued my helping those in need, by joining others in serving pizza's from a red wagon, giving out goodie bags full of chocolates and handing out clean clothing, to those living on the streets.

During my time of living on the Island, I spent many nights, on the streets connecting with others. Compassion goes far beyond a sandwich or coffee; it means to sit beside someone enduring poverty, addiction, prostitution and really put your beliefs where they matter- with someone in need of the light.

I remember one year, I passed along donated Cupcakes to those on the streets, on what would have been the day of Shayla’s birthday. The happiest recipient was another homeless soul, who it just happened to be his birthday, he shared with my daughter. I was unprepared for his tears that wept all over the cupcake, because I saw him and that he mattered. 

Shayla would have embraced this moment because she was an amazing person. Had she been given the opportunity to have children, they too would have been amazing. My daughter, would be the first to say, ‘Momma, when you find the good…you have to hold on.’

There is also a torch I speak of...one that is passed down onto the many others who have helped me, during my times of darkness. It's as if the one spark broke into a thousand pieces of light and people in my life were each given fragments to help me along my way... this quote is not just one person, but a collective group of family and friends, who have come alongside me, as I am slowly falling apart...

"I was in a bad place, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see my way out then one particular morning when I thought all was lost I received a call…if it was not for her…I wouldn’t be here right now…she was the one who cared enough to stop me…she saved me…so in my moments of weakness…I have my rock(s)."~ Shadow & Bone 

One of my 'rocks' ~ Sarah 💗

So, as I struggle...as I bare witness to things slowly unravelling...know that in order to survive, I am facing my battles, with every ounce of faith I have left... inside of me. 

By TL Alton