The Years Before

 

WORN -TENTH AVENUE NORTH  

Video: https://youtu.be/zulKcYItKIA

I'm Tired I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I'm worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes…

 

We are made for made in ways that earth does not satisfy. In our current times, when we look to the realm of our world, we are a shattered humanity, each of us seeking something unattainable or at a cost. There is within the beating of our hearts, a pulsating knock that is reminding us of the dust particles from whence we came and will return to… for none of us are going to live forever.

“Collin and his wife, Jordan, wandered through the craft store, looking for a picture to hang in their home. Collin thought he’d found just the right piece and called Jordan over to see it. On the right side of the ceramic artwork was the word grace. But the left side held two long cracks. “Well, it’s broken!” Jordan said as she started looking for an unbroken one on the shelf. But then Collin said, “No. That’s the point. We’re broken and then grace comes in—period.” They decided to purchase the one with the cracks. When they got to the checkout, the clerk exclaimed, “Oh, no, it’s broken!” “Yes, so are we,” Jordan whispered.

What does it mean to be a “broken” person? Someone defined it this way: A growing awareness that no matter how hard we try, our ability to make life work gets worse instead of better. It’s a recognition of our need for God and His intervention in our lives.

The apostle Paul talked about our brokenness in terms of being “dead in [our] transgressions and sins” (Ephesians 2:1). The answer to our need to be forgiven and changed comes in verses 4 and 5: “Because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, makes us alive . . . it is by grace [we] have been saved.”

God is willing to heal our brokenness with His grace when we admit, “I’m broken.”

By Anne Cetas |November 18th, 2021

As I sit in the silence of the early morning hours composing a new entry, I know my time is limited in doing so. For the storm that is outside, now swirls inside. 

My life is soon changing and there is a raw honesty as to what is unfolding. In the midst of this shift is a willingness to share what came before…long before any of what is to transpire.

“The words of Lamentations helped me get up many mornings when the light was as gray as the state of my heart: “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed.” The Hebrew word for “consumed” means “to be used up completely” or “to come to an end.” -ODB

My daughter Shayla grew up with her own storms of chaos and in her strength fought, in putting out little fires, she became a strong force to reckon with. Her childhood, saw her be raised by a mother who battled her mental illness, on a daily basis.

When the mania would strike me, I found myself deeply immersed in community and a passion for helping others. It was my daughter who came alongside myself, to help me fundraise and host events that saw me be a burning star – so full of spark at first and then after the spark of mania fizzled, I would already be onto the next occasion to raise both funds and awareness.

All the while, Shayla would stand by me, her mother that was held together- by particles of light. 

These events would wear me down and I didn’t known at the time, I was feeding an addiction of that chemical imbalance of depression and mania, which saw me say never give up and ‘Impossible means just try again.’

My daughter saw the puzzle pieces of my illness and in figuring them out, she would plea with me to stop feeding the disorder of my Bipolar, the energy it so craved. When I would share with her that just one more time...I realized my addictive traits were simply shining through. The darkness was feeding off the light and I couldn't see the heartache I was causing. Shayla stood by me, time and time again, whenever my BP dreamed up another event or cause to be found. 

This created within her, the routes of wanting to help those in need and less fortunate. 

Throughout the years of teaming up, we managed to care for and assist those in many forms of life.

A fundraiser I created, hosted and held for The Canadian Cancer Society, raised over five thousand dollars with donations for Cancer Research and awareness.

$1,000 worth of meat from Save-On Foods was donated to local Food Bank.

$1,000 worth of supplies; including winter misc. sleeping bags and clothing given to those in need.

Later on, Shayla would be involved twice at TRU, the University she was attending, for the Annual the Camp Out on Campus. She slept outside on cardboard and a sleeping bag, while raising funds and awareness for those in need. 

After Shayla died, and once her Celebration of Life concluded, food was donated to The Gospel Mission.

All the while in my grief, I could hear my daughter (who always saw the best in people) say to me: "Momma, you just have to have faith."

The very last, big event, I held was to raise funds and a $1,000 Bursary Award was given at TRU, in Shayla’s memory.

In the ten years of blogging, I have amassed stories and photographs of my human connections. Times when I relished in the beauty of giving. 

In Victoria, I continued my helping those in need, by joining others in serving pizza's from a red wagon, giving out goodie bags full of chocolates and handing out clean clothing, to those living on the streets.

During my time of living on the Island, I spent many nights, on the streets connecting with others. Compassion goes far beyond a sandwich or coffee; it means to sit beside someone enduring poverty, addiction, prostitution and really put your beliefs where they matter- with someone in need of the light.

I remember one year, I passed along donated Cupcakes to those on the streets, on what would have been the day of Shayla’s birthday. The happiest recipient was another homeless soul, who it just happened to be his birthday, he shared with my daughter. I was unprepared for his tears that wept all over the cupcake, because I saw him and that he mattered. 

Shayla would have embraced this moment because she was an amazing person. Had she been given the opportunity to have children, they too would have been amazing. My daughter, would be the first to say, ‘Momma, when you find the good…you have to hold on.’

There is also a torch I speak of...one that is passed down onto the many others who have helped me, during my times of darkness. It's as if the one spark broke into a thousand pieces of light and people in my life were each given fragments to help me along my way... this quote is not just one person, but a collective group of family and friends, who have come alongside me, as I am slowly falling apart...

"I was in a bad place, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see my way out then one particular morning when I thought all was lost I received a call…if it was not for her…I wouldn’t be here right now…she was the one who cared enough to stop me…she saved me…so in my moments of weakness…I have my rock(s)."~ Shadow & Bone 

One of my 'rocks' ~ Sarah 💗

So, as I struggle...as I bare witness to things slowly unravelling...know that in order to survive, I am facing my battles, with every ounce of faith I have left... inside of me. 

By TL Alton