****
Recently, I confided to my dear friend Leanna, how difficult it is with the stroke I suffered, to pull from my thoughts what it is I envision on a page. I can watch or read something many times over and still I find it lodged deep inside the matrix of my brain. Then maybe a day or even a week later, all of the things I am wanting to share...come flooding in and I take to revisions.
Ever since my stroke, when I watch something, certain elements of it speak to me in whatever 'brain mood' I am in and the post it notes beside my bed, are filled with with quotes like this one...
Sometimes,
you know something’s coming. You feel it…in the air…in your gut…and you don’t
sleep at night. The voice in your head, telling you that something …is gonna go
terribly wrong….And there’s nothing you can do to stop it. ~ John Rayburn/Bloodline
The above quote is from a fictional character in a Netflix series called “Bloodline.” The reason for referencing this quote is two-fold. The story of a dysfunctional family immersed in secrets, which bind each one of them together resonates with me. The other explanation is to speak of the ghost in the room; the one that has bound me to poverty, most of my life. Much like the character of Danny Rayburn featured, nothing ever seems to 'stick' or last and he chases after various dreams that come at a cost.
The timing of watching this series- was
linked also to a significant day in my life- this past year.
One where the emotional, financial and most importantly, physical also came at a cost.
Since my life has days that have been immersed in the harrowing triggers of the past, I have tried to stop being mindful of them and release instead to someone who knows me even better…God. Now I want to make it clear that becoming a Christian, was the next best decision to having my daughter, Shayla. In doing so, there is a reckoning; a manner of being accountable for your own thoughts and actions. It doesn't mean my life was made easy...No...it means a life was sacrificed on a cross who died for those misgivings of sin. Being 'Born Again' has also seen my own journey of life come with always having a choice.
Whereas before, I led a self-centered existence, now when I came to important decisions that were united in harmony, I was able to experience real forgiveness, real love and real peace.
Still, being only human, I can
be caught off-guard from worries that try to disrupt my rest.
Recently, I needed
to submit my tax return, for a year that many placed in a dumpster and lit on
fire. I hoped it might be possible to claim some of the unforeseen expenses of
2020. My major expenses came from when I was evicted last April. Gathering several packed envelopes, I shook out all of the receipts and began to sort them into
piles: daily Food and Supplies ( which included water, heat warmers, tent, tarps,
wood and so much more. Next, was shelter: One month at a hotel that cost me
$1,400! When I could not spend anymore time in my Micra vehicle, due to Edema (inflammation
of my body), I would find Air Bnb’s willing to have me as a guest. With Service
charges, taxes, and cleaning fees, for most, this is where a lot of my CERB
went to. Next, I added up the cost of monthly storage costs, gas, car insurance/
leasing expenses of my vehicle and travels I made, twice to the Okanagan ( after
my nephew Matt passed away and my brother ended up in ICU), the cost of the
ferries and my other monthly bills. As I watched the amounts being calculated
rise up, a sinking feeling overcame me. I had the proof right in front of me,
where all my funds had been depleted. The amount was so staggering, I felt the
anxiety sink in. For me to be displaced and live in and out of my vehicle, was
over $10,000.00!
Typing this,
I sit back and mull this over.
I recall reading
and even hearing some people grumble about all the excess of money doled out to
people with the CERB payments. For me, the money I received, I was deeply
thankful for! I wasn’t saving for a rainy day…I was fighting to survive! Then I paused for a moment, my memory has flashes of those I also met along the way in 2020, who were were also desperately trying to survive! Farmers, families, those homeless on the street. I recall the Doctors and nurses who still showed up everyday to deal with the influx of bodies that never made it. I remember the girls on the streets- sexually trafficked to fill the needs of those so desperate- they put their entire families at risk; including those innocent- caught up in the trafficking rings that plague the Island.
Staring back
at the pile of printed expenses, I discovered there was not a Line 10000 on my
Tax return for me that read: “Insert your expenses for daily surviving, while
being displaced during a pandemic!”
This is a tax year like no other, for an entire world, out of tilt on its axel. I know when I first stared at the pile that seemed to taunt me at the poverty I experienced, I was bitter. That's the simple truth.
While my thoughts wanted me to be reminded of was God is the true strength of our hearts (Psalm 73)...while the enemy wanted me to be reminded of this....
Literally, my every day was about finding a bathroom that was open for me to use. I had to figure out where to safely shower? Some may think not having to cook would be wonderful! While I was blessed with gift cards for Tim Hortons, McDonalds and Starbucks, there were days I longed for a regular home cooked meal. I tried keeping food in a cooler with ice, but again and again, I ran into the issue of spoiled food that had to be thrown out! I also had to find a ‘safe place’ for myself and yes, while I had a car, lets put things into perspective. The leg room in a Micra is the equivalent of a shopping cart folded down and placed across, in width. As a result of having a car to sleep in, I was targeted by a man who is truly homeless- but also violent and has a criminal record. He threatened me one night and I grew so fearful of him- that I began parking clear across the city of Victoria.
As my thoughts played havoc on my emotions, I struggled to remember where I was and what I had been brought through...
Now, in my
new suite, I knew I had an important choice to make: swallow the bitterness that was stemming from the pile of receipts
that linked the year 2020, to them or confess that in holding on, I had yet to truly let go.
Sitting on
the floor, I shifted, then folded my hands in prayer. Closing my eyes, I let my
thoughts wander to the space I was in. My mind began to focus on the warmth I
was surrounded with. I began to breathe in deeply and then it happened.
Suddenly, I
felt the presence of peace. Earlier I had read this in Our Daily Bread passage by Bill Crowder:
In his
book Fearfully and Wonderfully Made, co-authored with Philip
Yancey, Dr. Paul Brand observed, “A hummingbird heart weighs a fraction of an
ounce and beats eight hundred times a minute; a blue whale’s heart weighs half
a ton, beats only ten times per minute, and can be heard two miles away. In
contrast to either, the human heart seems dully functional, yet it does its
job, beating 100,000 times a day [65–70 times a minute] with no time off for
rest, to get most of us through seventy years or more.”
My flesh
and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my
portion forever (Psalm 73:26)
I looked at my windowsill of cards and well-wishes...No longer were the sentiments tucked into the visors of my vehicle...they were displayed in my home. Gone was the hardships of last year, my daily struggles were being lifted and I thought of my unknown future. I pondered on the beautiful reality of how I am made of clay- soft, pliable, and molded to what I am supposed to be, by God, who is the potter.
Riley
Clemmons - Broken Prayers (Official Video)
Video Link: https://youtu.be/cBDt_-tIfLI
Opening my
eyes, my focus went to the pile of papers. I took my hands and scattering them,
I patiently rearranged the slips of white- dotted with ink- and let in the new
begin. Since I had already forgiven my previous landlords, it was time to truly
release my fear, into the hands of the one who holds the stars.
Deuteronomy 32;39 God says, "I put to death and I bring to Life."
Cochren & Co. - One Day (Official Lyric Video)
Video Link: https://youtu.be/So94m-Lp6Pw
The next
hurdle I was working on overcoming was my benefits that I qualified for. In
needing two surgeries, I was hoping to have my benefits extended. Unfortunately, what
has happened too often in my life, was another unexpected block. After speaking
with Representatives, I was told due to my latest update on a Friday… to no
longer expect any more forthcoming funds, on the 1st of the month. In
a blink of an eye, I was exactly in the same predicament of last year!
I cried and felt my anxiety returning. Then I felt the quote of John Rayburn, The voice in your head, telling you that something …is gonna go terribly wrong, was breathing down upon me.
My PTSD that
was severely triggered last year, was now playing its sad routine on my emotions,
once again.
I made a few
phone calls and gathered the best advice on what I should do?
Then, I
dropped to my knees in prayer and asked God, “Please, you know my serious
health issues…I can’t do this alone; I need you Lord.”
Gathering myself together, I wiped away my tears and notified my current Landlords. I also had printed off, two letters of character references from two previous jobs of labour. You see, I have trouble accepting what I can and cannot due. Prior to my CT Scans, Stroke, MRI's, Aneurysm and discovery of a hole in my heart... most of my prior employment included jobs, where I pushed myself in my work. I also know what I was previously capable of. At a Provincial Park up North, where I lived and was employed, I wanted those camping, to have the best experience possible. In cleaning sites, I gave the very same disciplined scope of my work, as I would in my regular cleaning/ landscaping, I use to do.
Ms. Alton’s fine character and work ethic were prominently displayed in her work. She carries with her an optimism and compassion which wears off on those around her. Based on her extensive experience, Ms. Alton made numerous suggestions on how we could improve our cleaning efforts. She was always punctual, working hard through to the end of shift, and making herself available for overtime work.
Gift from my former Employer ~ Ruth
Now as I stood in my suite, my hands were trembling, and I had flashbacks of last years ordeal. I knew I would not survive another bout of being displaced. Looking around at all of the stuff moved from the Island, was mine and my daughter’s stuff (who had passed away). My stomach was in knots and I felt a rush of anxiety that felt like I was being clawed from the inside- out.
With social
distancing and our masks on, I stood before the couple, whose suite I moved into
last November and explained my unfortunate circumstances. There was a literal
deja vu, as I found the heavy words of despair tumble forth, from my masked,
pale lips.
I remember
bracing myself for their reply.
Looking at
one another, they nodded in agreement, as I awaited my fate.
How they
responded, you could have knocked me over with a feather!
In his
reply, there was something completely different about to happen.
In a voice
of assurance, my Landlord said: “There is no worries about us! We are okay to
wait while you figure things out. What is more important is your health! Take
care of you, as we trust you to stay here.”
I was noticeably
shaken as I did not expect their understanding!
I muttered
out “Thank you!” several times.
It was after they left, that I allowed myself to break down in a heap of tears; grateful for the chance to sort things out.
The next
morning, I received a text from my Landlords…” Good morning, how are you? Do
you wish us to pick up some groceries for you?”
It was then
I realized I had not dreamt what had transpired.
Leading up
to the resolution of my benefits, I would go outside my door, after receiving
texts from my Landlords and there would be a bag of oranges, a jug of milk,
bread, vegetables from them.
They knew I
had no funds and instead of going to the local food bank, my landlords took it
upon themselves to ‘love thy neighbour’ with the utmost care.
Once I had my temporary benefits, I not only paid my current rent, but made a contribution to next months. I also provided them with the two letters of work references to show my strong work ethic. In extending a peace of mind to me, I was able to concentrate on an upcoming medical procedure I am having. Their compassionate hearts, did not echo last years upheaval and turmoil. Instead, I was shown grace and understanding.
Truth is, the beautiful place I call home now, was sitting on the other side of all I endured.... leading me to where I am deeply blessed by the Lord. You see, I've yet to firmly trust in the one who made me. I beleive my Groundhog days come about, until I finally get it sorted. My life of scattered patterns consists of chapters of peace and what is a well-suited definition of upheaval: a violent or sudden change or disruption to something.
A few days later, after speaking with my landlords, I would have the opportunity to walk in the peace of praying it forward to someone else.
I drove to go
and pick up my prescriptions. I parked in the underground parkade, placed on my
mask and as I walked toward the door, I saw a lone figure, hunched over on the
cold, rock- hard cement. They were wearing an oversized coat and the hood was
covering their face. I saw their cardboard sign: “Cold, tired, hungry, Anything
will do. Thank you, God Bless.”
I knew
better than to surprise the person, so as I approached, I cleared my throat.
I wasn’t
expected to see who was before me…a young boy maybe 12 or 13. His fresh face
took me aback and when I came nearer, he said “Hello ma’am.
I replied, “Hello,
I read your sign and wondered what it is I can do for you today?”
He smiled
through his mask, which gave away to the biggest dimples.
“Thank you, I
would love a root- beer.”
I nodded and
with assurance, “How about I get you a meal to go with that root-beer?”
His blonde
locks peeked out of his parka.
“Okay that
sounds wonderful!” he agreed, with an earnest hunger I’ve seen on those in
need.
As I was
about to walk away, I turned and asked,
“Anything
you do not like?”
“Yeah, no
pickles or onions please!”
That made me
smile and I said,
“Okay!”
Finding the nearest
A&W, I bought a triple patty, double bacon, and cheeseburger- hold the
pickles and onions, fries, and large root beer.
You never
know when you offer to help someone in need, if they will be there, upon your
return?
Thankfully, he
was still there.
His eyes
grew wide as he saw what was in the bag.
It was his
turn to thank me, repeatedly.
I was going
to simply walk away, yet I felt compelled to share something. As he sat quietly
eating, I looked at his surroundings of empty spaces, concrete, and vehicle emissions.
This was just
a child, someone’s son, a kid who maybe once played soccer and enjoyed the blessings
of warm shelter.
I spoke
through my mask, taking my time as to what I wanted to express.
“Last year…,”
I began… “I was displaced and went 7 ½ months without a home.”
His eyes
widened again, and it was time to offer a few, kind words.
“I see you
and this is not who you are! I hope you know; you cannot let this chapter
define your journey.”
His small
frame, engulfed by the large coat, was being fed nourishment and some imparting
wisdom.
He replied, “Thank
you so much!”
Walking away,
I thought to myself how I will never forget where I came from…
A few
days later, I was reading Our Daily Bread about psychologist Paul Piff who was
curious to study giving patterns. Through a research test, he discovered that
the poor were inclined to give 44 percent more of what they had than wealthy
people. Those who’ve felt their own poverty are often moved to greater
generosity.
Jesus
knew this. Visiting the temple, He watched the crowds drop gifts into the
treasury (Mark
12:41). The rich tossed in wads of cash, but a poor widow pulled out her
last two copper coins, worth maybe a penny, and placed them into the basket. I
picture Jesus standing up, delighted and astounded. Immediately, He gathered
His disciples, making sure they didn’t miss this dazzling act. “This poor widow
has put more into the treasury than all the others,” Jesus exclaimed (v. 43).
The disciples looked at each other, bewildered, hoping someone could explain
what Jesus was talking about. So, He made it plain: those bringing huge gifts
“gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything” (v.
44).
Throughout my life, I’ve learned some lessons I still value, those friendships that have sustained me in a way that God only knows. The ones who were part of my life when I was making an incredible sum as a caregiver and as a cleaner on construction sites, are the very same ones that sent me care packages and funds to sustain me, until the next destination of sleeping in my car. I’ve learned the benevolence of complete strangers in their ultimate giftings of things I was told to not repay.
I have learned about human connections and the materialism of some who make poor choices. I’ve discovered the beauty of stars at night- through my windshield and the peacefulness of a Summer sunrise at 4am. In dealing with my health issues, I’ve encountered my worst fears in going to the hospital, yet also the thoroughness of a family Doctor, who truly cares.
So it is,
with a heavy heart that after ten years of posting on Blogger, this will be my
last one.
I hope I have taken you, my faithful readers, on a journey of discovering who TL Alton~ the writer, is. I will always be thankful for those who have taken the time, to read my lengthy and often bringing awareness to matters of the heart.
To know me, is to see the parallel of things that connect me and for which I stand up for.
Ryan Stevenson - When We Fall Apart (feat. Vince Gill & Amy Grant) [Official Lyric Video]
Video Link: https://youtu.be/nOtOmhgu3bs
This voyage,
peppered with quotes, passages and scripture, has allowed me to grow, to make
mistakes, to say I am sorry, to surrender and forgive when I felt all hope was
lost.
While I didn't chose to be born with a hole in my heart, or have fibroids the size of grapefruit growing in me, it doesn't change how I've always wanted my words~ His gifting, reminds me that my cup overflows with His blessings. Psalm 23:5
There is a calling from the grove of Sitka spruce trees that beckons unto me, far beyond the city lights of the concrete jungle, is a place where kindness creates the love of words and calls itself my temporal home.
I leave you
one last song, but first a quote that sums it up perfectly:
It is good to have an end to journey toward, but it is the journey that matters in the end.
~ Mae
Jemison
One of the many versions of Amazing Grace that speaks to me: because of the passion and devotion in which it is sung, the beautiful scenery, and roots of this song of slave trader John Newton; who later was a prominent slavery abolitionist.
Alex Boye featuring The Five Strings ~ AMAZING GRACE
Video Link: https://youtu.be/yenReBNixT4
