FOR THE LOVE OF SHINE!

Just knowing someone else contains that spectacular SHINE can change everything and make it possible for you to SHINE too.

Standing on the grassy pathway, I was swathed in an endless array of shimmers; a tapestry of crimson, blended in with hues of gold and silver, rose coloured and emerald sparks of light.

A stark contrast from sorrow, tears and heartache that had accompanied me to LUMAGICA in Surrey.

It was by chance I discovered this extraordinary event and was gifted by the Organizers and Staff of LUMAGICA with a complimentary ticket, free parking and food voucher! From the beginning, Caroline handled everything with compassion. 

The generosity of MK Illumination Canada (Anne- Marie and Alex), was such a blessing- on what is the most difficult day of the year for me- December 12^th 

This year, 2021- marks the 10 years of my daughter’s untimely, tragic death. Yet instead of hovering over that day, I am going to take a few words of insight from a young man I met at the event who said:

“If I live in the past- there is regret…”

Therefore, this post is about the streaming light that pierced my darkness and wrapped me in its glorious brilliance!

Arriving at LUMAGICA in Surrey, BC, I was welcomed by the brightest lights, multitude of colours and the friendliest staff!

All Covid Protocols were in place- from checking individuals to ensure proof of double Vaccines, to a one way enter and exit system, along with a tapering of people on the pathways; all staff worked hard to ensure a smooth journey, along the way!

In speaking with Site Director Guy Ciprian, he took the time to speak with me and let me share more about Shayla. He guided me and directed me to the pathways. In a gesture of kindness, after I shared how far of a drive I had back to my car camping spot in North Vancouver, he offered me to stay parked in the outside lot, which had security and two portaloos. As I was emotionally drained and tired, I appreciated his empathy to my situation. Later, I was able to find a safe place to be and sleep in my car.

Reflecting on my amazing experience of shimmering lights, constructed in an array of exceptional design, I watched in awe as others interacted with the illuminated displays. A little girl, walked up to a teddy bear, took her mitten off, and shook the paw. 

This had all of us smile and emit a collective sigh of awe’s. Couples were snuggling together in the opening of a twinkling heart and an older couple stole a kiss, underneath a tree that was aglow with shine!

All along, Shayla was on my mind and a quote came to mind…

The thing about moments is that you’ll miss them if your always running after the next one. ~ Alec Lightwood

So, as I scanned every display created out of passion and amazing concepts of all things Christmas, I was treated with the memories of when Shayla use to come and visit during the holidays. She would burst through the door, with such a fervour that would make some Santa’s envious and declare that the festivities could begin…now that she had brought the party! It was here the laughter would begin, as she started to burst into dance and shout out a boisterous “WOOT-WOOT!”

Shayla taught me that there is no such thing as normal- what is it that actually defines being okay?

During her visits, one of our cherished things to do, was to go see the festive, dazzling displays at VanDusen Festival of Lights. In speaking with Guy, he shared the special connection:

The same company that did the spectacular lights at VanDusen Botanical Gardens, was the very same for LUMAGICA.

This made my heart light up, as it was comforting to know the incredible link of the two.

I remember how when we were out, if there was someone in need, Shayla would take out her own change and gift a stranger, some kindness.

I had raised my daughter, to always walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, even if you were standing alone in the crowd. I taught her the value of the truth, and never do you leave the world bitter because of your experiences- but thankful for the moments that you can SHINE!

In looking back on these past 2 weeks of displacement, I have met many kindred souls.

Last night, at LUMAGICA in Surrey, it was more than having a brilliant light experience. It was to arrive raw, exposed and fragile to others. While I brought my grief, they poured out countless moments of benevolence.

In the circumstances I am now finding myself in again, I am choosing to stand up for the truth, even when ‘doing the right thing,’ sometimes doesn’t feel like it….because often I’ve found myself alone in this journey. Misjudged and misunderstood.

Yet with my daughter, it was different…she saw the marginalized, those oppressed and silenced, then came alongside them and said: “I see you.”

This happened a lot last night at the event I attended. From several young ladies who served me, Kira, Jaclyn and Jelayne. When I was eating my wonderful meal (pictured), one of these ladies (who is a Paramedic), came over to my table and later generously shared some of her bagged packed lunch with me- to take back to my car!

Another patron I spoke with, had a lovely conversation with me and offered to buy me something- which I declined. I explained the generosity of the vendor coupon from LUMAGICA and the remembrance of the day. To have a conversation, when I spend my entire day and nights alone, was such a beautiful gift.

There was also a young man singer/songwriter Clay Scott, who was performing and singing songs. His beautiful voice filled the space with harmony. We had a heartfelt conversation and I had shared about Shayla’s love of music. I requested any song and gave him a few of my daughter’s favourite musicians. As a sat back down and he performed Tom Petty’s “Free Falling,” he never could have know that particular song was Shayla’s absolute favourite!

Afterwards, he came up to me and we spoke some more. I had shared about my book, “Under the Sitka Tree, “ with many, including Clay. He had said he wanted to purchase my novel (which meant so very much to me), but also he had a ‘gifting’ for me. Clay then tucked some bills under the cover of my Sitka book, sitting beside me. He said, “This is part of my tips, I want you to have! Please go and buy yourself some meals.”

I burst into tears and at first refused, yet Clay insisted and after thanking him profusely, later I counted it and he had gifted me $50.00! That was his earnings, he had worked for the tips and here Clay was thinking of helping out another soul!

When the night had ended, I tried in vain, to find my car. Another staff member, named Raymond, working Security…walked the grounds until I was safely reunited with my vehicle.

Later, as I sorted out the passenger seat of my car, to sleep in…I thought about the value of light, the beauty of remembrance and the depths of compassion. I cherished the stories I had collected within my heart and those who bravely shared they too had been displaced- at one point of their lives.

All of what I experienced reminds me…

WE are Not defined by a lack of what we leave behind; rather we are remembered for what we stood for!

Thank you for the joy, brought to my life on my darkest day!

In reflecting on the 10^th Anniversary of my daughter’s passing, I was able to embrace the SHINE that was shared by all individuals and the magnificent, illuminated creations! With everything I was blessed with, I am humbled and full of gratitude. For the real gifting of this season unto me…saw a mother’s mourning let in the cracks of light.

By TL Alton

The Sparks of A Bipolar Heart

                            

 "He Was there the Whole Time" ~ 1 of 1 Original Artwork by Wenelda Zurrin.

The above framed artwork was gifted to me, on the day I was baptized. 

It would take 21 years for me to complete my novel and to fulfill my purpose. I feel this quote sums it up best...

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” ~George Eliot

At first, this post was going to solely be about the journey of my book, Under the Sitka Tree.

Mainly because a promise I made over twenty years ago, to my daughter Shayla (who died in 2011), was finally coming true! However, as what happens when I sit down to write…the words found within the storage of my heart, want to be released in their own way. 

Therefore, this post is also interwoven with the journey of my mental health. It is for all of those who sparks may have diminished. To those who sparks have been gone and to all of those, who need someone to come along and re-ignite their light within.

In sharing this, I am owning everything that stems from what has taken place in specific circumstances. All of which, impacted my mental health, over the years.

Included in this, are the days spent investigative reporting on sexual/human trafficking, which took me down some dark, sordid roads- with some shady characters. Additionally, the perils of last years displacement (which triggered a stroke, aneurysm and a breakdown in my mental health)- severed a 40 year friendship in the springtime.

While my sincere apologies were not accepted, I know within my heart of hearts I meant every word. The most importantly part for me, was to acknowledge I was in crisis and then I reached out to my Doctor and Specialist. All of whom offered help and understanding in dealing with my insomnia and a new medication that interrupted my path of wellness. 

This post , while about my mental health, is also about the journey which brought me full circle some two decades later, with my book. As I write, I am well aware that had it not been for the grace of God and the compassionate hearts of other, I would not be able to compose this.

For what I believed long ago- was a journey of one- is really an compilation of kindness, mercy and support, I have been given.  

In my venturing soul that yearned to fulfill a promise to my daughter, I also needed to traverse the invisible mountain, placed in front of me… in order to complete my novel.

There are four songs chosen for my post. Each one holds links to chapters throughout my life.

The first, Hold On, is about a father and son relationship, ripped apart by suicide and expressed in a dance/story-telling sequence.

Derek Hough - Hold On (Official RIV Dance Story- *Trigger Warning)

https://youtu.be/zKxvx-lVdIA

I relate to this heart wrenching video- in the shame I carried. My earlier life passages, contain three separate, suicide attempts. 

All of which, were prior to receiving a life-changing positive diagnosis, of Bipolar. In typing my words, I look back and cannot imagine the hell I would have put my only child through and loved ones, had any of the attempts taken hold. When I watch this powerful video, I envision Shayla sitting in that chair and the tears began to flow.

Thanks to God, there was salvation for me after all of the darkness and the semicolon I proudly wear on my wrist; is a profound reminder of my faith and resilience...to carry on. 

While there Is more to my story, it is not merely about me. For the past year has made history in many tragic ways. It is about a virus introduced that carried over communities, nations and our world. The pandemic that has ravaged our schools, our hospitals, our churches and our connections with one another. At the root of the past, there has been an infiltration of fear, intolerance and unease. Add to the tragic discoveries of hundreds (exceeding now) of unmarked graves at former residential schools…causing us to acknowledge our scattered past, while fires wreak havoc on our country, already in jeopardy.  

It is then I pause to recognize those who are no longer with us, for various reasons. I am mortified by 2020/2021's anguish and sorrow. Yet, all the while humbled enough to understand that if I can openly share from within my heart- the one with a hole in it- it is to give what spark I have left, to others.

This year saw me continue to work on the one promise I have been striving to keep...the publication of my first novel, Under the Sitka Tree.

What I want readers to understand, is I would like to also pay tribute to those who are working from home or out in their communities. I acknowledge those who are under tight deadlines, which is affecting their mental health and well-being.

To those I call friends, who have had to work 100% more than me, for their income, who have challenging days and cope with exhaustion. Yet, they still 'show up to work' and give everything they have, in order to survive and provide.

For me, my appreciation for them, is paved with the respect of all that they do!

When my time isn’t spent on getting my novel in print, I have been working on re-building my short term memory issues, along with my other health concerns. I also spend time everyday in prayers, holding in reverence my 22 yr. old nephew Matt, who passed away. Matt died, on the same day (July 28th, 2020), I had my ischemic stroke. 

Matt loved the stars, the galaxy and all that was in it. There is a cherished photograph of him in the open air, sun setting upon him and in a world full of joy. That is how I chose to remember him by, with love and a shared passion for the outdoors.

Matt also loved quotes and when I heard this for the first time, I thought of him…

“You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore, before you decide to be happy.” 

~ Jane Marczewski/Nightbirde

In taking the time needed to seeing my book to completion, I also became a learner of all things Sitka. For when I hired a skilled Editor in Liam Ford, to work with me on the novel, I thought this was it. I would find out; the easy part… was writing it 😊

Next came a Copy Editor, whose questioning methods, made me sharpen my storyline. Just when I felt my manuscript was finished…I was introduced to Leon Oldale. The dedication, he gave my novel, was phenomenal! As a formatter, Leon worked on every section with a keen eye. He devoted his time to each sentence, punctuation and cross-referencing. Being a family man, I know he stretched himself thin. For all the while he dedicated to my novel, and us going back and forth; each new day brought a greater appreciation for self-publishing! I know with all my heart that the hands upon Sitka from George, Leon, Marty, Karen, Ben-Lee, Lindsey and Craig are all part of the roots, which make up Under the Sitka Tree.

The transformation that took place within my book, also took hold within me and I discovered my true writers voice, in the pages being turned.

“Where you are planted, is not where you have to remain rooted.” ~ Billy Chapata

Every minute spent in the artistic origins of Sitka, saw me blessed with additional inspiration, after my prayer and bible reading. For each creative soul out there, has a go to….a song or mantra, a place or some peaceful meditation.

For all my readers, I would love for you to meet Gary Miracle. His amazing journey is something I tune into every day! For he had his chapters interrupted by septic shock that forever changed him. I would hope more people would watch this video and see that a man given the last name ‘Miracle’…actually became one!

Mercy Me – Say I Won’t (The Gary Miracle Story/video of Hope)

https://youtu.be/UhTHgaCjTJs

On a side note, for those interested and having watched the above video- last month Gary Miracle received his legs and YES! He did take his first steps.

After watching Gary’s extraordinary story on a daily basis, I realized that my dream was possible. I was more than capable of accomplishing All things through Christ who strengthens me. In my prayers, I understood if I was going to fulfill the promise I made to Shayla, then I would need to release all control to God and ask for him, to be the ink inside my pen!

God delivered in ways… that I understand had his hands all over Sitka, from the beginning to completion!

The next chapter to unfold,  came with an awe-inspiring understanding of who I am and what is my purpose?

Need to Breathe- Who Am I

https://youtu.be/Iooys8xC3QA

Only now, am I able to reflect on the beautiful truth about those individuals; who much like lofty branches, carried me along the way towards my goal.

Only days before I am scheduled for surgery on my heart, to close the hole in it, have I completed my book and moving forward.

Everyone kindly keeps on telling me that I will be okay, and I believe it!

For I hold close the following:

It is not me who is in control, but the one God, who created me.

I feel honoured and grateful to embrace the story, I was gifted with, over twenty years ago.

“Under the Sitka Tree,” echoes my faith journey of love found and lost, the pathways of bereavement and the simple magnificence of bringing beauty out of ashes.

In my last chapter, I came to realize, without my infusion of Bipolar…. I could never have imagined ‘Sitka.’

For every bit of struggle, rejection, sorrow and valued time spent, I can lift my hands to the one and praise Him that throughout it all…he has ALWAYS been there for me…

So with every heartbeat in my chest
Lord, I surrender all that I have
The days yet to come and the days in the past
I'm giving You all, all that I am
With lifted hands…

Ryan Stevenson - With Lifted Hands (Official Lyric Video)

https://youtu.be/7drEyGsF-Vo

 

By TL Alton