"He Was there the Whole Time" ~ 1 of 1 Original Artwork by Wenelda Zurrin.
The above framed artwork was gifted to me, on the day I was baptized.
It would take 21 years for me to complete my novel and to fulfill my purpose. I feel this quote sums it up best...
“It is never
too late to be what you might have been.” ~George Eliot
At first, this post
was going to solely be about the journey of my book, Under the Sitka Tree.
Mainly
because a promise I made over twenty years ago, to my daughter Shayla (who died
in 2011), was finally coming true! However, as what happens when I sit down to write…the
words found within the storage of my heart, want to be released in their own way.
Therefore, this post is also interwoven with the journey of my mental health. It is for all of those who sparks may have diminished. To those who sparks have been gone and to all of those, who need someone to come along and re-ignite their light within.
In sharing
this, I am owning everything that stems from what has taken place in specific
circumstances. All of which, impacted my mental health, over the years.
Included in
this, are the days spent investigative reporting on sexual/human trafficking, which
took me down some dark, sordid roads- with some shady characters. Additionally,
the perils of last years displacement (which triggered a stroke, aneurysm and a
breakdown in my mental health)- severed a 40 year friendship in the springtime.
This post , while about my mental health, is also about the journey which brought me full circle some two decades later, with my book. As I write, I am well aware that had it not been for the grace of God and the compassionate hearts of other, I would not be able to compose this.
For what I believed
long ago- was a journey of one- is really an compilation of kindness, mercy and support, I have been given.
In my venturing soul that yearned to fulfill a promise to my daughter, I also needed to
traverse the invisible mountain, placed in front of me… in order to complete my
novel.
There are four songs chosen for my post. Each one holds links to chapters throughout my
life.
The first, Hold On, is about a father and son relationship, ripped apart by suicide and expressed in a dance/story-telling sequence.
Derek Hough
- Hold On (Official RIV Dance Story- *Trigger Warning)
I relate to this heart wrenching video- in the shame I carried. My earlier life passages, contain three separate, suicide attempts.
All of which, were
prior to receiving a life-changing positive diagnosis, of Bipolar. In typing my
words, I look back and cannot imagine the hell I would have put my only child
through and loved ones, had any of the attempts taken hold. When I watch this powerful
video, I envision Shayla sitting in that chair and the tears began to flow.
Thanks to God,
there was salvation for me after all of the darkness and the semicolon I
proudly wear on my wrist; is a profound reminder of my faith and resilience...to carry on.
While there Is
more to my story, it is not merely about me. For the past year has made history in many tragic ways. It is about a virus introduced
that carried over communities, nations and our world. The pandemic that has
ravaged our schools, our hospitals, our churches and our connections with one
another. At the root of the past, there has been an infiltration of fear, intolerance
and unease. Add to the tragic discoveries of hundreds (exceeding now) of
unmarked graves at former residential schools…causing us to acknowledge our scattered
past, while fires wreak havoc on our country, already in jeopardy.
It is then I
pause to recognize those who are no longer with us, for various reasons. I am mortified
by 2020/2021's anguish and sorrow. Yet, all the while humbled enough to
understand that if I can openly share from within my heart- the one with a
hole in it- it is to give what spark I have left, to others.
This year saw me continue to work on the one promise I have been striving to keep...the publication of my first novel, Under the Sitka Tree.
What I want
readers to understand, is I would like to also pay tribute to those who are working
from home or out in their communities. I acknowledge those who are under tight
deadlines, which is affecting their mental health and well-being.
To those I call friends, who have had to work 100% more than me, for
their income, who have challenging days and cope with exhaustion. Yet, they still 'show up to work' and give everything they have, in order to survive and
provide.
For me, my appreciation
for them, is paved with the respect of all that they do!
When my time isn’t spent on getting my novel in print, I have been working on re-building my short term memory issues, along with my other health concerns. I also spend time everyday in prayers, holding in reverence my 22 yr. old nephew Matt, who passed away. Matt died, on the same day (July 28th, 2020), I had my ischemic stroke.
Matt loved the stars, the
galaxy and all that was in it. There is a cherished photograph of him in the open
air, sun setting upon him and in a world full of joy. That is how I chose to remember
him by, with love and a shared passion for the outdoors.
Matt also
loved quotes and when I heard this for the first time, I thought of him…
“You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore, before you decide to be happy.”
~ Jane Marczewski/Nightbirde
In taking the time needed to seeing my book to completion, I also became a learner of all things Sitka. For when I hired a skilled Editor in Liam Ford, to work with me on the novel, I thought this was it. I would find out; the easy part… was writing it 😊
Next came a Copy
Editor, whose questioning methods, made me sharpen my storyline. Just when I felt my manuscript was finished…I was introduced to Leon Oldale.
The dedication, he gave my novel, was phenomenal! As a formatter, Leon worked
on every section with a keen eye. He devoted his time to each sentence,
punctuation and cross-referencing. Being a family man, I know he stretched
himself thin. For all the while he dedicated to my novel, and us going back and
forth; each new day brought a greater appreciation for self-publishing! I know
with all my heart that the hands upon Sitka from George, Leon, Marty, Karen, Ben-Lee,
Lindsey and Craig are all part of the roots, which make up Under the Sitka
Tree.
“Where you
are planted, is not where you have to remain rooted.” ~ Billy Chapata
Every minute spent in the artistic origins of Sitka, saw me blessed with additional inspiration, after my prayer and bible reading. For each creative soul out there, has a go to….a song or mantra, a place or some peaceful meditation.
For all my
readers, I would love for you to meet Gary Miracle. His amazing journey is
something I tune into every day! For he had his chapters interrupted by septic
shock that forever changed him. I would hope more people would watch this video
and see that a man given the last name ‘Miracle’…actually became one!
Mercy Me –
Say I Won’t (The Gary Miracle Story/video of Hope)
On a side
note, for those interested and having watched the above video- last month Gary Miracle received his legs and YES!
He did take his first steps.
After watching
Gary’s extraordinary story on a daily basis, I realized that my dream was possible.
I was more than capable of accomplishing All things through Christ who strengthens
me. In my prayers, I understood if I was going to fulfill the promise I
made to Shayla, then I would need to release all control to God and ask for him,
to be the ink inside my pen!
God delivered
in ways… that I understand had his hands all over Sitka, from the beginning to completion!
The next
chapter to unfold, came with an awe-inspiring
understanding of who I am and what is my purpose?
Need to
Breathe- Who Am I
Only now, am I able to reflect on the beautiful truth about those individuals; who much like lofty branches, carried me along the way towards my goal.
Only days
before I am scheduled for surgery on my heart, to close the hole in it, have I
completed my book and moving forward.
Everyone
kindly keeps on telling me that I will be okay, and I believe it!
For I hold
close the following:
It is not me
who is in control, but the one God, who created me.
I feel
honoured and grateful to embrace the story, I was gifted with, over twenty
years ago.
“Under the Sitka
Tree,” echoes my faith journey of love found and lost, the pathways of
bereavement and the simple magnificence of bringing beauty out of ashes.
In my last
chapter, I came to realize, without my infusion of Bipolar…. I could never have
imagined ‘Sitka.’
For every bit of struggle, rejection, sorrow and valued time spent, I can lift my hands to the one and praise Him that throughout it all…he has ALWAYS been there for me…
So with
every heartbeat in my chest
Lord, I surrender all that I have
The days yet to come and the days in the past
I'm giving You all, all that I am
With lifted hands…
Ryan
Stevenson - With Lifted Hands (Official Lyric Video)
By TL Alton
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