Less of Me, More of Him

 

I am writing from a place of brokenness…the one in my Brain where I have had an Aneurysm on the right side of my brain. Nerves have been affected, to where my daily thoughts are muddled, I am dealing with forgetfulness, agitation, stuttering and a flood of emotions that overwhelms me. In writing this blog; as always there is a purpose. I literally have to re-read every line due to memory loss and having a difficult time focusing and just because my brain is smashing together words, I don’t even know if this is making sense? My MRI and CT Scan showed my recent attack on my brain and all that came flooding upon me is…If I were to die today, would my readers know what my faith means to me? So, in between battling blinding headaches, hazy thoughts, and fatigue, I want to share about the one who reigns for all of Eternity and all the Love I have received from the Chosen One.

For me to share the battles that really were of the Lords, I have shared that I haven’t always been faithful, I’ve not always been victorious and certainly I’ve known my fair share of sinning. This blog post is not a confessional; because Jesus has already given his life for the sins upon I cross. In my fingers typing slowly, I want others to know that no matter what has been stripped away, I am saved because the keeper of my Promises reigns on…no matter what reasons/doubts the enemy tries to place upon me, I have been witness to miracles that I never thought possible.

#LessLikeMe #ZachWilliams #ChristianMusic

Zach Williams - Less Like Me (Official Music Video) https://youtu.be/fkYL1b7MCEw

 

To share how challenged I am to write this, I have over a dozen post it notes, each scrawled with purpose, to help me to string this post all together. Yet, I trust in the one who placed every word upon my heart…the one with a hole in it.

All of this has seen me overwhelmed in dealing with things that my brain is so fixated on that it has caused me additional stress. A good example of this is after 7 years, I needed to provide a change of address. I paid $70 and expected my mail to start filling in my new box, yet despite my former Postal office saying they are sending my mail, I have not been receiving it. This is frustrating because my brain goes into overthinking mode and I feel besieged by one of the things I feel I should have control.

In rereading my sentence, it is glaring with the one thing I’ve spent my life fighting- Control. In every aspect of my life…this is the one thing that has caused me to spin out of-  there is a lyric line from the song “The Getting Through” by Judah that says:

Take me to my troubles

And teach me again

That you don’t build a bridge

So I can just get over them….

Cause maybe the point is not getting over

But getting through

Cause when I surrender …All my Trust is fully in You.

For me, walking over a bridge, takes on a whole new meaning of God loving us; as opposed to someone who is bent on hurting us. With all that is going on with my brain, I am in awe of what I am focussed on. Much like the crack in my hope chest that really is amazing it is still in one piece- given all of the times I’ve moved with it- I think of the flaws in my life.  The ones where two doors were present.

Behind Door# 1: Salvation and Behind Door # 2: What I was willing to sacrifice for it.

The ghosts of my past have taken me down some darkened alleys with the shadows of the enemy waiting.

To say my faith has not been shaken is to speak of lies. That is why I have to respect the truth, when it echoes back to me that my boundaries have been broken. I am reminded how God still remains the keeper. When I feel lost, ashamed, rejected and torn…Christ remains faithful protector over me.

Even when the world does not understand me and I cannot see clearly, I am led by a faithfulness greater than who I am.

Recently, someone confided in me that do not believe they have ever received Mercy for the Lord. In an instant, I am transformed back to the breakthrough of when my own journey with Christ began.

In all of my trails and tribulations, I came to understand that the fires raging around me, cannot consume Jesus within me.

Looking up at the Poinsettia that was gifted to me before Christmas….I recall someone once saying to me: “I hope you Truly come to know Jesus.” Much like the vibrancy apparent in this plant still thriving- months later…I take a stand in my reply that the evidence is here: “You don’t survive what I’ve endured, without realizing just How much I AM Loved and TRULY knowing Jesus.”

In the core of my serving, it has seen me through being displaced without a home for over 7 months. In surviving a stroke, an Aneurysm and a PFO, I have come to understand that my body has suffered more than I realized. Despite the heart pain, the blinding headaches and forgetfulness, I still convey through my posts to an hourglass world, that Hope is being ignited within each of us.

I’ve overcome and with every breath I have held my readers, my dearest ones in my prayers. No matter what- if you’re a foe or friend- I have held your name upon my lips and asked for blessings over you – ‘because we cannot pray for the homeless and forsake the wicked.’

As a Christian, it helps me to refocus on others; so much so that the day I do die, I hope my hands are in prayer.

For I am only as strong, as the faith I believe in!

I believe the Heavenly Father created me with a purpose- whereas the enemy has scored my heart with pain, I will boost at knowing Christ at the cross.

That stone that was rolled away from the Tomb, is one that I give Praise that a dead man was raised and walked again!

As Valentine’s Day approaches, I think of all the wounded hearts out there- those broken, whose stolen innocents come in the form of Human Trafficking, daily childhood abuse, those whose wrists are being cut and the woman who have fallen prey to night stalking predators, if even one post has covered you in Love- His love, then I can give testimony how I am still- despite everything- not beyond repair.

For me, My Valentine does not present itself with a box of overpriced chocolates and false words of impure love…No, the one who has my heart overflowing with blessings, is the one who has stood at the beginning of time, opened his loving arms, and welcomed me into the purest passion of all- the one that comes from Christ himself.  

A Woman – Amy Grant (feat. Ellie Holcomb) https://youtu.be/yFHFT5OUbss

 

By Tonya L Alton