There is BEFORE… and then there is AFTER… Part 3

 

Sweet child of Mine ...xo

DO YOU THINK…

Do you think that I am over it
Better than before
Maybe I've forgotten
Doesn't hurt me anymore?

Do you think that I am doing fine
No tears are shed each day
Get up and just get going
Pain has all but gone away?

Do you think that I am coping
Living life just as you do
If that's what you imagine...
You don't have a single clue

I cope, I cry, and I deny
I've learned how I must hide
Keep everything within me
Bottled up deep down inside

I can't be who I was before
I've changed I'm someone new
It happens when you have a loss
You would be different too

I'm so misunderstood each day
To tired to explain
Not over it, or better

Simply put... I'm not the same

Author Unknown

Ten years ago, I could have been the one who wrote this crushing poem…but these are not my words. Still a part of me resonates, on days I feel I am entitled to share the pain- echoed in the verse.

I never set out to become someone, whose life has been focussed, on the nature of car crashes. Often I feel people would love for me to simply move on…yet the nightmares of my PTSD do not take a holiday…just because. 

In fact, the layers of my 3 posts this year- related to Shayla’s 31st birthday- are a good example of what happens when you have a loved one die in sudden, tragic circumstances. Still-even a decade later- it holds such raw, vivid recollections.

I’ve never forgotten what it was like to clean out her vehicle, the jaws of life evident, shattered glass, crushed roof and in the back seat, the open box of items that had spilled forward… as Shayla tried to make the deadly curve of the road.

I had warned her many times about the deadly road. There is some assurance after reading the Police Report there was no texting or cellphone involved. Yet I know what happened that day, unlike others who are often left with a question mark. 

That fateful day, the spontaneous trip to see a newborn baby born into her family, I tried to stop! 

There was a mothers intuition that morning when she called. I can still remember the knots in my stomach- sensors that I could feel going off. 

Over the years, I would awaken screaming, drenched in night sweat and calling her name.

There is a process a parent has to endure, when their child dies. 

The Before (how was I to know) to the After ( what more could I have done)?

I’ve had internal battles; oneswhere I wrestle with some sort of understanding that it does not matter the circumstances, but what was the final outcome.

In my sharing, as I type this in the dark- I look back on what I have posted….how car crashes are preventable, that treacherous roads are meant to be changed, and no one can possibly pen your own sorrow- to your heartbreaking story. 

In sharing about my own disorders and things NOT inherited (alcohol and drug addictions), it is to say how I am still vulnerable and imperfect, in other ways.

I’ve learned to heed the enemies luring and I am always mindful and blessed that I never went on a journey of alcoholism or drug addictions. In divulging this, it doesn’t make me better than those who face their daily battles- if anything I’ve been far more empathetic to that kind of pain! I realize how easily, I could have in my life, numbed the pain and succumbed to it! 

I’ve spent 50 years trying to fix those I love in my family, only to realize how much I have suffered, because of it. 

Therefore that door that swings out in front of me, always tempting to call me in during times of trouble…I fold my hands in prayer and ask to remain free. 

If anything I've known, it is that I have a much stronger thing in my life that doesn't make things easy...but it does make my journey possible. 

In the past few days of writing, I’ve honoured my daughter’s fun-loving nature, the strong bond that we shared, I’ve spoke of her dancing and what her dreams were, and also what they would never be. I have connected with her light, but also been gripped by her loss.

The pin my daughter created for us xo

I stay up, every year late, just on the cusp of the 24th- to remember what it was like to give birth to my babygirl.  On what would be her 31^st Birthday today, my heart has a hole in it. Not because of what I have endured, rather because I was born this way. I find it fitting that my heart never closed at birth. This is the same heart that saw my daughter hear the beats of mine, as God knitted her together in my womb. 

Shayla would enter this world with her own strong heart and then one day... hers would stop.

I wasn’t sure of all the emotions I was feeling leading up to these three posts, yet upon finishing my prayers and daily Bible reading, I realized the changes in me of who I was on that first birthday-

…After…

February 24^{th 2012} three months following the day my daughter died 12/12/11, until now…came from somewhere deeply rooted in me…a need to better embrace healing (in whatever form that is) and hold tight unto my faith.

I speak of addictions, because I have witnessed, how my own loved ones dealt with their grief. 

I flip back and forth in my bereavement; some days are far better than others. Sometimes, there is a realization that I haven’t cried about her, all week... and then the guilt leaks into that hole in my heart.

Yet having a space to freely write- without caring about Likes and thumbs up/down, has allowed me to learn who I send my words too, who I trust with my pain and who deserves an explanation.

In composing this lasting 3^rd part tribute, it will not find its way in some emails or texts, because I never want someone to feel obligated to be part of my pain. Ask any grief-stricken parent- how difficult it is to pull away from the layers of darkness- to open their windows to the light and they will be blunt in saying, they often find more comfort -in the shadows.

To offer a comparison of what I am feeling at the moment , I  want to speak of the light that offers hope. I have decided to share the best gift I can give myself today. It does not come in a box, or a spectacular cake… it is not a river of tears flowing down my face. No, today’s gift comes from the light within me, the spark that was my daughter and connected to our beliefs…this has never been extinguished!  The light lives on in many things that overflow in its blessings. 

If anything these past few days of sadness, reflecting, forgiving, and making peace within have reminded me…it is of how good it feels to share with the world that its okay to fall inward….as long as we have someone or something to catch us on the way down…

Turn on the Light By:  Xochitl Dixon

Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Matthew 5:16

Our Daily Bread Scripture & Insight:

Matthew 5:14–16

As my husband and I prepared for a cross-country move, I wanted to ensure that we kept in touch with our grown sons. I found a unique gift, friendship lamps connected by wireless internet, which can be turned on remotely. When I gave the lamps to my sons, I explained that their lamps will turn on when I touch my lamp—to provide a shining reminder of my love and ongoing prayers. No matter how great the distance between us, a tap on their lamps would trigger a light in our home too. Though we knew nothing could replace our more personal moments of connection, we could be encouraged by knowing we’re loved and prayed for every time we turned on those lights.

All God’s children have the privilege of being light-sharers powered by the Holy Spirit. We’re designed to live as radiant beacons of God’s everlasting hope and unconditional love. When we’re sharing the gospel and serving others in the name of Jesus, we become brilliant spotlights and living testimonies. Every good deed, kind smile, gentle word of encouragement, and heartfelt prayer produces a beaming reminder of God’s faithfulness and His unconditional and life-transforming love (Matthew 5:14–16).

Wherever God leads us, and however we serve Him, we can be used by Him to help others shine His light. As God, by His Spirit, provides the true illumination, we can reflect the light and love of His presence.

The first thing that came to me after wiping away some tears, was how absolutely wonderful it would be, if when a loved one passed away, they had with them one of these brilliant lamps! On special days, like birthdays and holidays, I would simply touch my lamp and Shayla would know I was thinking of her. 

To be honest, I would be tapping 24-7 and that is not what I need to be focused on. 

The beauty in all of this, is not how much I've suffered...rather in how much I have loved ❤ 

After reading this, I envisioned the Creator of the stars and the space between. How the light -sharer within, has me look upward to the Heavens and amongst the infinite galaxy, my babygirl looks upon the earth and sees the spark… that is still her mother.

Each of us, whether we know it, feel it or understand, are beacons of light to one another.

Even in the void of our world, we can still connect with kindness and empathy, especially when we find our own shine… begins to slowly dim. 

I don't have all the answers, to why a mother or father have a child(ren) pass away, yet I know how I was transformed because of it. 

I have then used my gift of writing to share my faith...and my pain. 

I understand who I was ten years ago and how much of the upheaval throughout my life, has deepened my relationship with the Lord, now. 

I say again, I am not perfect- especially as a believer. Yet I pray if one person reading this, is helped by me expressing my vulnerability, I am humbled by that.  

I am also not ashamed to share with the world the power of the Gospel, among the layers of who I am. The love I have for my enemies and even the realization, one single day of my life, showed me the strength of my future... it is here, the light burns brightest within...and sees me overcome...even when I feel lost.  

By TL Alton