A Different Kind of Love Story Part 2

 

Happy 31st Birthday in Heaven Babygirl Xo

Pulling into the parking lot , I turned off the key and sat for a moment. The rosary swinging from my rear-view mirror, was a perfect example of the past and the present circumstances. I leaned forward, to catch a glimpse of the neon lights, filtered through the raindrops on my windshield. With a crumpled $20 bill in my hand, my eyes were averted away from the two choices I could make. One door, had ties to my family already infused in addiction, the other door, would lead me to nourishment- the kind my already ailing body truly needed. I’ve been in this situation countless times over my lifetime…When I was abused, when my daughter died at 21, when I walked away from the one man who had taken my heart and crushed it, and when I was living last year for 7 ½ months in the very same car now, I was parked in.

Feed the Devil’s desire or feed the soul. It really is that simple. This night would not be any different. Getting out of my vehicle, I walked past the Liquor outlet and into the Grocery store. Every time I do, I imagine the enemy slams a fistful of fire down, seething in defeat.

As my daughter’s 31^st birthday approaches, I take a stroll with grief, down memory lane to birthday celebrations past. The one’s filled with laughter, presents, cake and surprises. In reflecting on Shayla’s previous birthday festivities that included concerts, circus school, face painting and even bungy jumping; the spark that she was, always set the place aglow. Her joy was shared with others in such a way, she erupted with glee across a crowded room. If ever she found herself lost in a group of people, Shayla would raise her voice in such away, she was never missing for long.

Growing up, my daughter followed in my footsteps of being the class clown. To her, laughter was medicine. I remember our very last trip together, just the two of us, going to Disneyworld. When the airline lost all of our luggage, Shayla pulled out the video camera in our hotel room and with a smirk she said: “This will make for some interesting footage!” In the three days that followed, when ever I was too serious, she would bounce her way in front of me and say: “Momma…turn that frown, upside down.”

The first year, after she passed, I recalled being in a support group of grieving parents and as we went along, we were supposed to say what was the one thing we missed the most about our child?

I remember looking up with tears etching my mascara lines down my sad face, I asked: “But how am I to chose just one?”

Over time, my bereavement journey has seen me go through the pyramid of emotions. I have clung onto  the hands of other parents, whose children have died. I’ve screamed over a frozen reservoir what felt like shattered splinters of my broken heart. Now And then, I read something, which I feel was written just for me - only to realize that I am joined by many parents, who have also suffered such tragic losses.

Often its simply realizing the sheer anguish your drowning in, may need an anchor to guide you...

Sometimes, I am gifted precious moments from the past. Like this year, I rediscovered things in my archives, on my laptop. While more than often, my response to these past experiences, are often met with the same immeasurable sorrow, I still carry. Then there are the occasions when interwoven in the multi-facets of my grief journey, is a balance of light that surfaces.

As I viewed the short clip I discovered on Shayla’s computer called “DJ Kitty,” I knew I had to post it just on its own.

Maybe it doesn’t make sense to you, or you do not find it funny, however when my daughters voice can only be heard and her imagination creates a cat scratching DJ , it makes me yearn to have one more conversation of silliness with her that we revelled in.

For a moment, the video clip takes the sting away and I can simply press replay, in order to view a little of what she left behind. For every snapshot I have of her, I yearn to relive the many flashes of when time stood still for me.  

Unfortunately, after Shayla died, she became a part of something that I wish no parent to go through…having their child’s death being viewed on the daily news.

In the 10 years since her untimely death, I have shared how I received the horrible news that Shayla had died. It was on-line, where I first discovered her passing. Even before a Policeman came to tell me, I already knew my 21-year-old daughter was dead.

Alone in my basement suite, I felt an urgency to go on-line to the local Okanagan website and I saw a news ticker saying the person who had been in the submerged vehicle at McKinley Reservoir, had succumbed to her injuries. To my utter shock, a reporter had climbed the hill overlooking the car wreck and made the painful decision to begin filming, my worst nightmare.

To this day, as I type…that horrid image in seared into my memory.

Even after my strokes, I can still recall where it lingers on-line, as many others have clicked to see the hole... where my babygirl perished.

That day- December 12, 2011, I believe the writer in me and once reporter, died in away that I cannot explain. I vowed to never be so detached from the human connection and never so hell bent to get a story- that I forget my oath- and further traumatize those who are actually part of a devastating tragedy.

In the news that followed and the Candlelight Vigil that I held in Shayla’s memory, there was a reporter who covered many of the events- including “One Crash Is Too Many,” which was created by Lawyer Paul Hergott. https://www.onecrashistoomany.com/

I am deeply grateful for this site, blog, advocacy, and platform to bring awareness to the prevention of car crashes. Mr. Hergott has been a legal columnist for the Kelowna Capital News since January 2007.

In covering the news, I learned firsthand, being part of the story connected to Shayla brought out the protector in me. Part writer, 100 % mother, I was fierce in wanting to ensure proper information was getting out. There’s the old saying about being too close to a story and this was my Achille’s heal. In looking back, I am certain I would have questioned God himself, if he were composing any newsworthy story about my daughter. This created a need for me to take a step back and review something again from a different perspective.

When I found an archived video from a gathering in Kelowna, BC Commemorating the National Day of Remembrance for Road Crash Victims,  it was with fresh eyes that I was able to appreciate the reporting of a young woman named Jen Zielinski and the important message of “One Crash is Too Many.”

 I am grateful for her valuable time and efforts she gave to ensuring my daughter’s story was shared.

Seeing myself being interviewed briefly, is as if I now was looking through shattered glass- every inch of pain visible to the camera’s lens.  

 National Day of Remembrance for Road Crash Victims took place for the first time in the Okanagan on November 22, 2012.    (Video Source: Jen Zielinski)  https://youtu.be/yQw4-KGGJgE

 As a facilitator for a faith-based bereavement course I once led, I know firsthand that grief simply put…can be darn right ugly. After my daughter passed away, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

In re-watching the video 10 years later , I still whole-heartily agree that “One Crash IS Too Many.”

 One thing though has never changed….I also cannot forget that it sadly took Shayla’s tragic death and car crash, to ultimately bring safety changes. The treacherous road saw 17 people over a 20-year span- have accidents on it (everyone miraculously surviving) and still nothing was done to fix McKinley.

This is also where I agree to a point of saying that Yes, Shayla’s death was preventable in many ways…including what happened the day of her own tragic loss.  The amount of time I have spent uncovering details, The Coroner’s Report, going over the pictures of her car crash and reading Police reports…won’t ever bring my daughter back.

“One Crash Is Too Many” did have a lasting impression on me!

Something Paul Hergott said, which has stayed with me… and that is simply prevention in losing precious lives.

After my daughter passed away, I would discover some more unsettling news about McKinley Reservoir.

 Turns out that body of overfilled water, waited for Shayla, to claim her years before- but was unsuccessful-when she was only 16 years old.

Shayla was dating someone. One frigid night, as her boyfriend drove his car on McKinley Landing, something caused the vehicle to leave the road and enter a shallow part of the Reservoir. His vehicle was not fully submerged but required a tow truck to pull them out. I was never told, and it became a family secret- without me being privy to it, until after my daughter perished.

 Upon hearing this, I was upset thinking how terrified she must have been, alone behind the wheel on that December 12^th, 2011 day, when her car crashed into the frozen waters.

 Years later, I was struck with the sheer realization that had Shayla died at 16 years old, I would have been robbed of the additional 5 years I did have with her…an incredible gift of life had been given to me!

 It has taken my efforts of visiting the area, many times- in order to make peace with the waters, to see that her death was not in vain. The consolation I get now is knowing that because of Shayla, others are being kept safe on that stretch of road and around the reservoir.

 Ask me then, how much frustration I feel, when I am standing there at the reservoir and I begin to count…One, two, three….half a dozen vehicles flying at high speeds on the very same road… forever changed by the death of someone, whose life was given for it.

 I used to say if not my daughter…then someone else’s child.

I’ve snapped photographs of vehicles who see me and while some slow down, many have speeded up- as if to say it won’t ever happen to me!

 I have wanted them to understand how in a moments snap of the fingers; your life can change.

Also,  I would never wish upon anyone, the pain of what its like to have outlived your only child.

 As with my grief journey, my understanding of “One Crash Is Too Many” has evolved. To where its key point of every crash is inevitable, also includes my daughter’s car wreck. Re-watching Paul Hergott’s videos and re- reading the blogs message; gives me more insight to a matter that is critical to all of us on the open road.

 Over the years I have been asked many times…how do you ever get over the loss of your only child?

For me and many others, the answer is simple: You don’t!

 Life was never meant to be spent alone without your loved ones and this goes without saying I am excluding Covid-19, as I am speaking of my own loss, many years prior.

 At times, my faith journey has surpassed my despair.

As I have experienced another side of bereavement; that offers hope and comfort, in my beliefs and has also seen connection, in the most unexpected places.

 There is another side of grief, which is not always spoken of and given the spotlight it deserves.  

 As a mother, I have to acknowledge how grief can find you seeing connections in other beautiful ways .

Despite my anguish, I have learned about a different kind of love and finding solace, in unforeseen situations.   

 Since she was a little girl, Shayla breathed not in air, but in song.

 As a child, while some playmates joined in sports, Shayla was at ease with handstands, splits, and twirls.

She learned various forms of dance and took part in lessons, as well as performances.

 Everyone knew how much her passion for dancing also included the love of children.

She would have enjoyed having her own studio to teach wee ones, the splendor of dance.

 Over the years, I have shared how Shayla’s passion included everything from hip-hop to jazz, ballet, lyrical and contemporary; Shayla had a hidden soundtrack wound around her soul. Whether in the car, on the subway, or just walking down the street- when ever she felt the beats of music inside, she broke out into dance!

 When a local schoolmate died, she choregraphed a routine. In front of friends, neighbours, and strangers, she let every inch of his loss, guide her in a poignant, lyrical, flow that embodied the overwhelming sorrow- she felt.  It was her way to express her angst and pay tribute to a young 19 yr. old man- who died too soon.

I have never forgotten watching her take on the cloak of bereavement and dance with her invisible partner of heartache. Looking back, it was as if her old soul, was showcasing for me…what was yet to come.

When putting together this birthday post, I was googling images and quotes to include. One night, I was up late and after a search, I stumbled upon rather remarkable that made me take a deep breathe in…something so profound and relatable, the tears begin to form, as I write.

 In sharing, it will be apparent what it is that caused me to pause and let my heart-link to the beauty of what could have been, but never was…at least not for my Shayla.

 Please click on the safe link here and read: https://www.centrestagedance.com/about2-c22fx

 Another bond between us, was to those less fortunate and those who had disorders. I believe as Shayla grew up; her life was impacted by my own mental health. When I enrolled in a Wellness Course called B.R.I.D.G.E.S to become a facilitator, my daughter enrolled in a support course, to better understand my Bipolar.  This helped us to connect even further and develop a different love story. This was one where acceptance and compassion had a home, among the uncertainties.

Many years later, after my daughter died, I harboured guilt in the form of a parent who had a ‘mental imperfection.’ Just as I wish I could erase that deadly road away; I felt the same of my disorder that also wrecked havoc in my life. The irony now, when no one is in my life, I have managed my Bipolar for the past 20+ years. I know what this would have meant to Shayla and how she would be proud of me.

 Recently, one of our favourite music artists ~ P!NK released a video with her daughter Willow Sage.

I thought of how my sweet Shae would call me to say…”Momma, this is OUR song!”

 Cover Me In Sunshine: P!NK and Willow Sage Hart: https://youtu.be/vGZhMIXH62M

With my recent health issues related to my stroke, brain bleed and other private matters, I look onward to what this 31^st Birthday of hers, means to me. I am reminded of how my daughter is shining in Heaven, dancing with Jesus and how still in a song, a coincidence, a story…she lives on…

she waits for her momma to be welcomed home to join her…where finally all of the broken things… can find their seat at the table.

By Tonya L. Alton