Get It Done!

 

It’s natural with anything challenging that if we haven’t gone through it, we really don’t understand what it is that people are up against. ~ Bp Hope.

Standing on the hardened ground where I spent 7 ½ months of my life, living out of my mini car, I let the tears fall upon the frosted earth. In my hand, I held a note I shared with those in the area. Just a mere 5-minute drive in Victoria, where I had been evicted last March- when the Pandemic began, I said a prayer for those still displaced. 

I was not here to shed tears of sorrow for long, as they were soon replaced with joy, for the day my little car- my home on wheels brought me to my current place of shelter- my sanctuary. This home now, is a place where I am surrounded by healing, where I feel my heart has received…the biggest amount of relief.  

In retrospect,… the battles on the Island, took their toll. 

I faced the trenches of darkness that were filled with the fierce ghosts of my past and as I left, this song played on...

Fear…Is A Liar – Zach Williams        Video Link >>> https://youtu.be/1srs1YoTVzs

When he told you were troubled- You'll forever be alone

When he told you… you should run away- You'll never find a home

When he told you… you were dirty, And you should be ashamed…

When he told you…  you could be the one- That grace could never change…

Oh, fear, he is a liar- He will take your breath, Stop you in your steps…

Fear, he is a liar. He will rob your rest- Steal your happiness…

Cast your fear in the fire 'Cause fear, he is a liar…

In the eight years I fought to remain, I met with the enemy, in places I thought would consume me and yet prior to my move over to the Island, I openly gave talks on the impact of my mental health.

Eleanor Longden was an inspiration...

Over the years, through my presentations to Universities, High schools, and LPN’s, about my two disorders I was diagnosed with- Bipolar and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I always felt far more comfortable, giving the oral version of my scarred heart…just as with writing, I am more comfortable at removing the silence within the air- in a similar way my beloved late daughter once did...

I am reminded of a former Professor saying this to me:

“When your daughter Shayla walked into room, everyone knew it and when she left…she took the air out with her!”

This always makes me smile, because the light of Jesus that shone from within her was evident!

Still, there are those that do not understand my wounds not being visible - out in plain sight, can result in me being viewed in various ways. I am often seen with passing judgement; while others are in awe of my courage. There are those who are sympathetic, while others are plain mystified. To this day, I believe due to all I have survived, I can read someone’s face within minutes and place them into a category- just as they are doing the same to me. This has caused my story to take a back seat; that what I intended to share- often comes out in waves of misrepresentation. I’m often categorized with labelling that has put a shield of armor around me; as many times I have felt the unfair branding of my disorders are misconstrued.

It’s a hard lesson to learn as a Christian…that it is key to love all others no matter what- even those who may loathe me for reasons they do not even understand.

I often wear a shirt I bought at the concert of For King and Country… the verse says it well:

“God only knows the real you”        Video Link>>  https://youtu.be/Q5cPQg3oq-o

Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin'

Too afraid of what might show up while you're dreamin'

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you…

God only knows what you've been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows how it's killing you

But there's a kind of love that God only knows…

This is something I’ve worked through in my years of sharing openly; as it is not my place to determine how they will see me. If I allow you into my heart; you will find no more loyal a person than myself and also no harsher a critic than what I place upon myself at times.

The journey to wellness has allowed me to grow, to place myself in an overflow of empathy, allowing myself to care- even when vilified.

For me to let down my shield and welcome a person in, is to show I am trusting them…not only with my words…but also my heart.

Last weekend, arrangements were made to retrieve both mine and my late daughter’s belongings from storage. Last March, all of our stuff had been loaded 25 times into my small car and moved into the unit. On top of a high monthly payment, I had to deal with the stress; as twice in the one-year storage space, I encountered the master locks not on my container-. Thus exposing my things and mostly my daughters to be stolen-in a place I was paying for peace of mind .

Her death in 2011, had seen me give many things of hers away, to those who appreciated it. This last trip to retrieve everything came at a financial cost of hundreds of dollars. Moreover, is the importance of was who came alongside me and made it happen! These people know who they are…they orchestrated the means to acquire the vehicle, they gave up a day off to grant me their help, time, and compassion to me and my needs. Everything happened rather quickly and because of them... before I knew it, my once empty space in my home, is now surrounded by boxes with mine and my daughter’s name on them!

Emotionally the unpacking is being done in safe positions of time; where I can ease into the unveiling of things from times passed. I've learned about pushing myself too much and take a day off in between my unpacking. I am rediscovering the cherished memories.

 In one box, I came across a photograph that was of Shayla’s Memorial bench.

Two years ago, I had visited the reservoir during the marking of her death, December 12^th. Earlier I had went to the beautiful Tree of Memories and placed an ornament. At the store, I had found a beautiful Christmas card from daughter to Mother and purchased it. I recalled feeling unsure as to why I bought it.

When the words began to flow from a mother’s aching heart- mine- unto the blank pages, I found myself writing in my daughter’s voice…of what she would say to me- from Heaven. I left the card tucked away on her Memorial bench and felt a sense of release.

Just the other day, I found a card of thanks for the people who helped me bring my stuff home. I decided to write it from the perspective of my daughter saying Thank you, once again from the heavens above. In giving the card, I simply couldn’t explain the emotions I felt in finally having all my stuff secure and with me…however, I felt if they could know just how much my daughter’s gratitude would be, that would suffice. 

Yet, after reading scripture and praying, I had several things placed upon my heart.

In sharing my stories of darkness and overcoming with light, my gratitude is shown in various ways. I showed up to express my thanks to the person who had been so kind to me in many ways. I had plans on giving them a beautiful present in a gift bag. Unfortunately, I dropped the bag and the item broke. I also had a bouquet of flowers for her, intended to be gifted at her workplace. They contained Gerbera daisy’s… Shayla’s favourite flowers. I recall a co-worker saying to me at one point when I wondered how to say Thank you to the woman who helped move me, she shared with me… "Just buy her some nice flowers."

Therefore, I gave what was intended, knowing our time together, was drawing to a close.

While I unpacked and sorted through my stuff, I found a beautiful commemorative dove coin from my daughter’s coin/stamp collection. It is from the year 2000 and I thought of all of the help I received in moving over all of daughters and my own things over from the Island. Throughout the process of bringing all of my stuff over from the Island, I received encouraging messages. 

This coin was a reminder of something special shared between mother and daughter.

We enjoyed the TV show: “Touched by an Angel." At the closing of each episode, the dove flew off to the heavens.

I made the decision to gift this coin with a dove on it, to express my humbled gratitude for her caring heart.

I would spend weeks going through my life, where each box contained pieces of my past. Every memento held a story; reminders of the many blessings I have in my life. Found within each precious item I unpacked, were connections to friends who know my deepest wounds and still love me, as their compassion has grown over the years. My best friend of thirty years in Penticton, who I can turn to and offers me her love, without judgment. To the Neurosurgeon I went to school with and who graduated from Harvard…how I treasure our 35-year friendship! To my best friend of 15 years- my former Pharmacist, To my high school classmates, who saw me through years of an abusive, dysfunctional home… and now offer their kindness without mentioning the scars…I love each of you!  To my brothers and sisters in Christ- you balance me, uplift me with scripture and song. You remind of the power of forgiveness…and letting go.

To the fellow leaders, facilitators and people in Mental health and WELLNESS… you’ve shown me the multitude of colours that make up my unique butterfly… they are mine to shine, to spread my wings and fly, to honour what makes me who I am and to remember we are all only human, after all.

I recall how well I dealt with a situation, when a serious mistake was made in the distribution of my medications to me. I was terrified of what nearly happened, as this could have sent me into a spiral. This is because in 25 years of faithfully taking my medication and being a mental health advocate ...I understand the importance of a proper regiment and being accountable with my meds. 

I confided in most of those near and dear mentioned above and they gave me helpful advice, which I am grateful for. 

In the end, I still handled it with God First leading the way.

Later as things have come to pass, I realized my isolation and loneliness, on top of my disorders, caused my own mistakes in over sharing with those in the places I frequented. I needed space to process things that were coming to the surface, as my PTSD had been triggered by my overdoing in my move to where I now reside. 

I had crossed boundaries and as an Angel lady often said to me:

 “We are all meant for a reason, a season and a time.”

 As I walked out the door, I felt my heart say goodbye…💖💦

Returning home, I stood in the midst of all of my boxes and thought to myself: “The one thing I have learned, being apart from my stuff…things can be replaced but what I have…Truly have, with those being solid in my life…I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world!”

 By Tonya L. Alton