30 Years

There's a tear that falls between the pages…

I know that pain's supposed to heal in stages

But it depends which one I'm standing on…

Song on Fire ~ Nickelback

There is a name in Hebrew, Havilah meaning “writhing in pain” and “to bring forth”. It signifies the making of something beautiful through pain.

For me I see the parallels of life and death in such a word. I am reminded how thirty years ago, at age nineteen that I gave birth to a beautiful girl Shayla. So vibrant was she that I gave her two middle names Rae Dawn. There was pain in my delivering a 10 lb. 10-ounce, 2 ft baby and also the hidden anguish, of who was not present in the delivery room.

Shayla in Katakana

When Shayla passed at 21, I thought I would surely die inside, of heartbreak. I could not fathom how I would exist without her. Despite trying to formulate the unbearable sorrow felt inside, I fumbled on words of crushing grief. Tears would leak out of the red earth of my eyes- without warning.

How is it then, on what would have been my daughter’s 30^th birthday, I am celebrating when she is no longer here? That I could make plans for a treasure hunt of her precious things, for others to find? Or ask friends and family to honour her name in creative ways?

The truth is, I am giving praise to the creation of her life and not of the day death took her. I am also mindful of what the purpose is intended for. Even though there was no birthday cake, presents or balloons, there is the greatest gift in having raised such an extraordinary, rainbow child.

Shayla didn’t see things in black and white…there was always a kaleidoscope of colours surrounding everything. There were no particles of hate, self-righteousness or unforgiving within her. She proudly wore the uniform of an Air Cadet, the costumes of a dancer and a Judogi, when in practice.

For those that knew my daughter, Shayla was a chameleon.

Her endless array of hairstyles and colours, would see her wearing blonde box braids, or a wine-red spiked mo-hawk, then transform herself with cascading black tresses.

Shayla may have worn self-confidence like a new hat; yet she was a crystallized butterfly inside. Much like her mother, she chased after things that were never attainable in relationships. She poured out her soul, to some who were never deserving of the air, she breathed. Even with all the bullying she endured, Shayla embodied the virtue of forgiveness.

Therefore, every year on the day my daughter was born, I remember the sacredness of her conception. For this young woman taught me more about life through her dying, than anyone else I know. The meaning of Havilah~ making something beautiful through pain~ also refers to celebrating hope. When the page of bereavement has taken my tears, I turn it over… to discover the promise of a future. 2 Corinthians 4:18

In being compassionate, I wanted to join with others, on a day when my daughter came into this world. In doing so, I am not honouring the dead, rather I am rejoicing in the blessing of her once living.

I made a specific request to those in my life, to create Shayla’s name using things. I was not prepared for the amazing and unique ways people shared the ray of Shae. Seeing each display brought me joy and comfort. For those who took the time and made such heartfelt gestures, their sharing resonates within me, the beauty of release.

Later, I gathered personal items belonging to Shayla or had a connection. I decided to tag onto the notion of release and do a treasure hunt. This specific location, is where my daughter had spent time, enjoying the various birds, trees and pathways. 

Cherry Tree reminded me of the video "Fall On Me"

Being creative in my placement of things, I made sure a park worker named Tony, knew what I was doing. I ended up in a lovely conversation about trees, as I was curious about the ‘wrapping’ of some. Tony explained it was to curtail the White Moth from ravaging the tree. I also pointed out a tribute plaque to commemorate those lives perished in 9/11.

I could not refrain, from suggesting a nice polish would be good, to rid of the bird droppings. He agreed it needed a power wash.

At the tail end, I met a wonderful man named Oliver. He inquired about my orange trunk I carried the treasures in. Upon sharing about Shayla and what I was doing, his eyes began to pool tears. He thrust out his hand and felt the need to give me what it contained. It was a perfectly formed pink sea urchin shell, he had found earlier at the ocean. This made me happy, as I thought of how much my daughter had been a lover of the waters. My reaction, saw his cheeks covered with the over spilling, of his water works. This is one thing I struggle with now…if I am the one with the crocodile tears, then that is okay. However, if another person cries- much less a stranger- I want to flee. This is because I’ve had to put a stop valve on my emotions and do not want to open the dam…to see it overflow.

I thanked Oliver for his kindness and decided to take a picture of the seashell.

Gifting from Oliver 

As it grew darker outside, I went back to my place. I put together two sparklers that represented 3-0. I took a golden heart I have wrapped in light and placed it, before I lit the pyrotechnics 😊

Gathering the last tribute to my daughter, I drove to a place I have been to many times before. It is an iron heart, outfitted with locks for people in love. Standing under the streams of lights, I noticed the old lanterns, which reminded me of my novel. 
The scripture I chose was Psalm 57:10.

I wrote Shayla’s favourite song title- “Swing Life Away” by Rise Against. 

I also wrote her initials and I luv U. 

In placing this lock, this symbolizes the letting go of a daughter on this realm, in exchange for the certainty I will see her again. That does not mean I won’t ever cry or celebrate Shayla again. It signifies the comfort in knowing, my daughter is with her Heavenly Father. I am forever grateful for the loaning of her to me.
As I sat under a string of lights, I played on my phone the song, “Fall On Me,” by Christina Aguilera and A Great Big World. Blowing bubbles, I watched them drift past the glow of the twinkling light. I took in the moment and was thankful for no tears. Packing up, I was about to leave, when suddenly the row of four strands of lit bulbs - made a sparking noise. In an instant, I heard the pop of a bulb explode! Gone was the illumination into the darkness. Only the trees remained aglow. I stood there for a moment, completely in awe.

Nodding my head, I thought of how this place we call earth, is not one of eternal belonging. While we hold such reverence for this world… the promise we need to hold onto, is of a future that is unseen, yet known.

by TL Alton

For the Love of Shelby & Dela

“Intuition is not a single way of knowing - it's our ability to hold space for uncertainty and our willingness to trust the many ways we've developed knowledge and insight, including instinct, experience, faith and reason.” ~ 

Brené Brown

What makes someone drive down a rugged mountain road, never having done so before, yet compelled to. Only then, to discover someone who has been trapped for days, under a vehicle. The mother, who is exhausted of her daily duties, puts her children for a nap and is about to join them. Yet she feels drawn into the kitchen, to discover their home is on fire and manages to escape, with those most precious to her.

A single person, on their way home to the grocery store near them, is prompted to drive across several lanes of traffic; to stop in at another chain store for some unknown reason. She encounters a weary stranger, whose husband has just been released from hospital, after having surgery for a pacemaker. 
After discovering the couple have been waiting for a taxi, over an hour…she offers to provide a ride home. The vehicle she drives, belongs to her landlord, who is away. 
This woman, who does not have any transportation of her own, is about to embark on a journey. One, where her intuition of listening to her heart, will soon reap eight months of unexpected adventures, blessings and life lessons.

While the first two are examples of intuition, the last one is my own personal experience of what happens, when the spirit leads.

I encountered Dela and her husband Robert, in unplanned circumstances.  
When as strangers we met, no one could foresee the ripple effect.

After explaining the vehicle I was driving was not mine, I shared I did not own any transportation.

Upon dropping off the thankful couple, I saw the street sign had the word ‘angel,’ in it.

Dela gave me their home number and asked me to call her once I made it back home, as the roads were icy. I had already experienced some harrowing moments on the highway, after leaving the airport, where my landlord was flying to balmy Florida.

I thought it was sweet of the lady to make such a request. 

Once safely back at my residence, I called and we spoke. Dela thanked me again for my kindness. She let me know, we would speak again.

A week or so later, I did receive a call. It was from the church I was attending. The secretary shared, how a lady named Dela, had called for my number as it had not been saved on her phone. Previously, I shared with several people from church, about my chance meeting, with the couple. 
Dela had paid attention to me sharing about being a Christian and attending service in the area, where I lived. This would be the first indication this situation was being orchestrated by a higher power.

When we spoke again, Dela suggested we meet for coffee at Tim Horton’s.

More time passed and as we sat together in a booth, sipping coffee’s, I was not prepared for what her purpose was in our meeting.

Dela spoke of her Toyota Echo vehicle and how since I did not have anything to drive, would I be interested in carsharing?

I had a dumb founded look upon my face, yet Dela stated her offer was serious and legitimate.

I could not wrap my thoughts around what she was suggesting.

“What do you mean car share?” I asked perplexed.

Dela went on to explain how she has shared her car in the past, with another person.

She would ensure everything was done properly through ICBC and I could use her car on a trial basis. Besides the enormous blessing, Dela would cover the cost of insurance, help with gas and maintain any repairs.

Now, I will admit I expected some hidden cameras to be capturing such a scene, as my mouth couldn’t say a yes or no.

Dela could sense my reluctance and reassured me, she was simply wanting to help someone in need, who had shown compassion to two strangers.

Once the disbelief wore off, I realized her offer was genuine.

In accepting her generosity, my life was set onto a different direction.

When I sat behind the wheel of her car, I recall asking if the car had a name?

I am fond of naming my vehicles and some of them have been cheeky.

Dela said the car was named Shelby.

My time with Shelby saw me embark on many of a venture, which Dela gladly encouraged. Had I been to Francis/King Regional Park or checked out the circular walking paths behind many of the older, local churches, she asked. 

The opportunities afforded to me now, were endless. I went on picnics, overlooking the vast blue waters, surrounding our area. I hiked alongside mountain alpine flowers. Shelby took me to Island Regional Park. There I watched the cool darkness, become fragmented, by earth’s light in a sunrise. 

"To live the life you love, you must do what you love. And you can't choose what you love, you can only discover it." ~ Barbara Sher 

On an extended road trip, I drove to the outskirts of Duncan, to the Ocean Falls Reunion of the Rain People. I reunited with the three sisters, who are part of the wonderful inspiration for my novel, Under the Sitka Tree. I was able to have the vehicle, as a means of free advertising, for my novel. The endless streams of people who have checked out what UTST is about, has come from them seeing the magnets on the back of Shelby.

*Please Note: the WEBSITE was changed to:
tlaltondesign.com

Having a reliable and gas efficient car, allowed me to stay for a weekend at the Hi-Point Guest Ranch (Bed and Breakfast).

At ȽÁU, WELṈEW̱/ John Dean Provincial Park, I trekked along the dirt paths to Pickles Bluff and sat on a boulder, while a swarm of dragonflies kept me company. 

For entertainment, Shelby was my ‘limo’ to see Corey Hart and Glass Tiger in concert. I was treated to another weekend of celebrating cultural roots, with those who were part of, the Indigenous Festival.

When my aunt passed away from cancer, I was able to go to Florence lake and play one of her favourite songs, on my playlist. As I stretched out on the pier, my thoughts reflected on the short timeline of life. 

There have been many trips to Goldstream Provincial Park, including sharing in a traditional meal, with a wonderful Australian family. My eyes saw waterfalls, while my ears heard the songbirds, along the seaside. Some places became a favourite, like Swan Lake Sanctuary, Rithet’s Bog and the splendour of The Horticulture Centre of the Pacific.

Another place I enjoyed going to, was the Sidney Market, on Thursday nights. I had driven out to the area one night and sat in awe of the kaleidoscope of fireworks, over the ocean. The company who joined me, had stories and a smile that welcomed you in. As we watched the sky erupt in flares of colour, I crossed off another thing on my list…Watch fireworks with a stranger.

Source: Ocean 98.5 FM 

On a different night, the lure of handmade pottery and carved wood, drew me into a booth. After a few conversations and an invite to visit a breathtaking log home in Lake Cowichan, I would find myself involved with the wood carver. I soon forgot the purpose of the original meeting – to have something created out of wood. Shelby carried me through the windy roads where cedar, fir and birch greeted me, with their natural beauty. In my many trips along the way, I knew in my heart that what I was pursuing, was not the path God wanted me on. Later, at the end of the relationship, I was given a gift from the wood carver. It held the purpose of meeting him and was linked to another individual, with a connection to the past. 

A key role in my work as a caregiver, saw Shelby transport the elderly couple I looked after. In taking them to various appointments, I am deeply grateful for the means to transfer them safely in a car. Had I never been driving; it would not allow me to help them in such a way. I was also able to pick up supplies needed and arrive to work in a timely fashion. With all the transit strikes and routes cancelled daily, I have been blessed to know that a trustworthy means of transportation, was afforded to me.

Dela’s generosity went beyond the car and into the abundance of crocheted items she has donated to me. Known as The Railway Knitter, she has given me bags full of her handiwork, to give to those in need on the streets of Victoria.

 I recall a time she invited me into her home. Dela proudly shared with a daughter’s love for her father, the ribbons of fabric, attached with knitted flowers. Each one she created, represented a birthday year of her dad. This beautifully structured art, was made with such warmth and adoration.

Dela Wilkins, Tunisian Expert of The Crochet Crowd, is an accomplished author of two Tunisian publications. Also known as the Railway Knitter, she occasionally teaches on VIA Rail across Canada as part of the on-board entertainment program. Tunisian is a journey of creativity she’s happy to share. To get on board the Tunisian crochet train you need… Basic knowledge of Tunisian crochet: simple stitch, forward pass and return pass. Dela’s booklet Railway Knitting provides information on the basic stitches. Source. Shannon (Creative Festival)

Last month, when I was at Ogden Point watching a glorious sunset slip over the horizon, I was approached by a young man named Jaz.

He came up beside me and mentioned the stunning scenery that was before us. While we did engage in conversation, it was the time of quietude between us that I revelled in. For it was about sharing in the tranquil moment that mattered. Standing together, I thought of another thing being crossed off my list…Watch a marvelous sunset, with a stranger.

Later in conversation, Jaz mentioned to me a unique tree swing that overlooked Shawnigan Lake. Had I ever seen it? I thought about what a tree swing meant to my late daughter Shayla and how one of her favourite songs was “Swing Life Away,” by Rise Against. I shook my head indicating I had never been there. 
Jaz assured me that one day soon, I would.

Two weeks later, I was on another adventure.

I met Jaz at Goldstream Provincial Park. I had to leave Shelby behind, as she was not meant to drive over the Malahat, without winter tires. Jaz drove us along to the start of the trail and parked. One look at the incline and I was in doubt of my abilities to take part in the climb. What I did not know was the beginning of the path, was nowhere near indicative of what lay head. As rocks, roots, and moss-covered boulders were in abundance, what transpired on the way up, had me thanking God I was in safe, capable hands. 
For every step along the way, Jaz patiently waited for me. Never once did he complain of my many stops, to catch my breathe. When we approached the crags and deep roots, he went before me and kindly offered me his hand. If a step needed navigating, Jaz jumped ahead to ensure it was safe. Being the size I am, I know at some parts, it was not easy and yet…still I heard no objections from him. 

Upon reaching our destination, I was overwhelmed. To see the tree swing in person, was something that even now has me tear up. 

There was a plaque I read:

“The swing was built for his future wife, on a very special mountaintop. Swing 2.0 was built to last a lifetime of adventures! He wrote, Thanks for loving it, as much as I love her!”

After a push off the rocks, I let my legs gain some air and soon I was swinging. 

Jaz mentioned how it was too bad I could not see the view, yet for me it did not matter, as it had been more about the climb.
I took out a photograph of my daughter and myself, which Shayla had given me for Mother’s Day that read: “I Love You to the Moon and Back.”

As I held a picture of Shayla and I, Jaz took a snapshot of me on the swing. 
I  had also brought with me, something to leave behind. A golden, painted heart with a key inserted in the back, with the words I would tell my daughter: “You are my sunshine.”
This was gifted to me a long time ago and now I felt it was perfect for its release, under the tree swing.

In all of this, I began to feel the tears coming.

Jaz asked me if I needed a few minutes by myself and I shook my head no.

As we went to descend the mountain, Jaz took me down an easier way; a nice slope that surely would have been easier to climb.

I asked why we did not go that way up?

He smiled and replied, “It would not have been the same.”

Nearing his truck, something made me realize the profound truth of what this all meant.

In the nearly six years of living on the Island, Jaz was the only man who never took anything from me. He had no expectations and was in the true sense, a gentleman.

While these times shared were memorable, this was not the beginning of anything romantic. For I believe Jaz came into my life, as a reminder of goodness and that I can trust what my instincts are. 
I continue to pray for Jaz to find the happiest he deserves. I am thankful for his kindness; to a mother missing her only child. 

Driving back to Shelby, I smiled as I thought of crossing off my list:

Climb a mountainside with a 'stranger', to sway on a tree swing.

The time came on November 15^th, to pass over the keys to Dela for her Shelby. I was privileged to having driven the Toyota Echo and the memories made.

Both Dela and I have an understanding that the car was an extension of so much more. 

I have found a cherished friend, who offers guidance, support and encouragement. 

I am fortunate, for all that has come, from the use of her vehicle.

There is also a peace in knowing, I did heed my inner guidance. When one cold, winter night, two strangers needed me... I believe our Creator knew, I needed them just as much.

With a warrior's spirit I continue to strive, to seek and even falter. In being open to listening to my heart and complete strangers, I disperse the seeds of kindness to others and in return, I receive.

While in my serving...I grow.

by TL Alton