Dancing Among the Stars

 

“There has not ever been a time when I have been lacking the material for a post. For the threads of humankind , always find their way of weaving into my soul, their beautiful purpose.” ~ TL Alton

In all of my posts, I always feel my daughter’s birthday, the one where I take the time, to sort through quotes, pictures and memories connected to the day Shayla was born. For this special day, when she arrived into the world, saw precious moments unfold… over the next 21 years of her life.

While everyday I miss her, the day Shayla Rae Dawn, came into this world at 10 pounds, 10 ounces and 2 feet long, the heavens parted and she was blessed with many things, I am sharing here.

The top image of Shayla, on my 2^nd wedding day. She was such a beautiful Flower girl. 

When I think back, I close my eyes and re-imagine it was her wedding day- to her one true love - long before 2011.

Shayla’s namesake was something that connected her to the world of the Fairies~  the Irish Gaelic version means  “fairy palace.”

One of her favourite places to go to, was at a park that had a Fairy forest. Many times we went there, whenever she came to visit.

Shayla also had a wonderful sense of humour. Whenever something made her laugh, her face grew rosy, and a deep laughter grew from the tip of her toes. If she posed, it was likely to be some funny expression or doing something that would make others burst into laughter.

Wearing funny nose glasses at a bus stop, a bus pulled up and the driver was in stitches over Shayla's 'disguise.'

At a Nature Park, Shayla got stuck in the turtle shell. 

I have recalled and written about a note I found, after she passed away.

It was in reference to a dessert that I would make annually for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I always assumed Shayla loved it, as she would often ask for seconds.

In discovering her note, I realized the reality as she had written:

Mom, remember that Bisquick pumpkin pie dessert you made us for the holidays…well, I would go in the backyard and bury the second helpings and I burned the recipe card so you wouldn’t make it again…so Nah, I didn’t like it, but didn’t want to hurt your feelings. 😊

The other passion in my daughter’s life…was dance!

Shayla spent seven years immersed in the world of dance and between her laughter and silliness, the girl was born to dance!

It brought me much joy when she would have her performances and I was able to see how she lit up the dance, with hip-hop, lyrical, jazz and even ballet.

While I have many DVD’s of her past recitals, I no longer have the means to play them and right now, I would love to see my daughter ‘in motion.’

February 24^th, would have been Shayla’s 32^nd birthday.

I miss seeing her blow out her candles, open her gifts and turn to me with the biggest smile .

While I was gathering things for this post, I was reminded of “Pink Shirt Day.” The annual awareness for showing support of those who have been bullied. Sadly, Shayla spent most of her years at the torment of those who caused her to devote an entire black covered journal. Reading her words of heartache, sorrow and anguish, I have a better, more painful understanding of what she endured…and still smiled.

Pink Shirt Day 2022 

The other day, I found a display in a store that also reminded me of my ‘pinky promise’ to my dearly missed daughter- the one linked to my novel.

I painted my own nails and thought about the perfect timing.

This past week, I read of another person’s passing, whose music, smile and lovely persona, was an inspiration to the world.

Her name was Jane Marczewski. She was a free-spirit, a talented singer and a beautiful soul who died at 31, from breast cancer.

Nightbirde

Gracing the stage of America’s Got Talent, people’s lives were deeply touched by her heartfelt journey, as she battled her cancer while still writing and preforming songs, with the name Nightbirde.

Her spiritual relationship, was something I also connected with.

Source: Instagram

Nightbirde wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and she had such a magnificent shine that saw her glow.

In sharing the song she penned, “It’s Okay,” I feel as if she had met my heart full of love.

Golden Buzzer: Nightbirde's Original Song Makes Simon Cowell Emotional - America's Got Talent 2021

https://youtu.be/CZJvBfoHDk0

 Tomorrow, I have special plans. Turns out the temporary shelter I am at, is having their annual inspection. I need to be gone from 10am- 5pm. I have thought about where it is I will go or what I should do?

Then some place which holds special memories. While its not a place of fairies ( I don’t think so), it has wonderful qualities of another place, where (Tonya) mother and daughter,(Shayla) use to stroll.  

Every year, since Shayla passed, I have still bought a birthday card- one that I would have given her. I fill it with my personal sentiments, then place it at amazing locations throughout our world. 

A kind of release that helps a little... on a rather emotional day. 

This February 24th will be no different. 

Although it will be a quiet day- without the celebration of 32 years- I can look back and treasure what we were able to share… in such a short amount of time.

I think back to years ago when I was in Maui. I was brought to the perfect location, in the Pacific ocean, to spread my daughter’s ashes.

Tomorrow, I will reconnect with another special spot, where memories have been made.

The one where I told my daughter, she would always have my heart as her mother. As I kneel by the water’s edge, I will close my eyes. Once again, I will imagine Nightbirde’s angelic voice singing It’s Okay, while Shayla’s performing, a lyrical dance and I will think of those within our family , who have passed away- aunties, uncles, mothers and fathers, grandparents, friends and also my nephew, Matthew.

Everyone will be shining their beautiful smiles, as Matt's stardust, along with theirs, is cast across the heavens…for ALL to see them dancing ... among the stars. 

 

By TL Alton  

CYCLES

 

Last week, I had an experience so profound that it settled within my soul, to remind me that the humans are capable of malice, yet most of all… Compassion.

In the last post I wrote and openly shared about my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. An illness I acquired after the death of my 21 year old daughter, Shayla. I have explained how any amount of pressure added onto my daily life, can cause me to break into fragments- where my kryptonite is stress.

However dark the pain and sorrow was presented, I found God met me at the crossroads of my suffering, time and time again, to untie me from the railroad tracks, I had bound myself too.

In the year I spent, travelling with others and speaking to various people: teachers, students, LPN’s,  and Human Service Workers, about my two disorders (Bipolar and PTSD), my own symptoms were alleviated. The courage it took, for the group of us to stand before rooms and often gymnasiums of strangers, to lay before them our darkness… we often tend to forget. This is due to the anxiety and depression, wanting to keep us locked-in the hidden rooms- of our own minds.

Yet, there was a strength within each one of us. That saw each individual, remove from their travelling suitcases, ‘the dirty laundry from their lives.’

A dear friend of mine shared this video with me, which speaks more about this…

– The Soul is like a suitcase, Dr. Rob Reimer

SOUL CARE: https://youtu.be/UybtzshH0Bg

Sometimes though, even with my best intentions, I find myself in a place of darkness that triggers my PTSD, in such a menacing way- it literally takes days for me to ‘recover.’

In relaying the following incident, which took place, I am not mentioning certain aspects- as I do not want to give any attention to the company/employees that were involved with my vehicle.

Last week, I dropped into Staples for photocopying. I parked my car, in front of a sign that I thought said: 30 minute Parking. While I take full responsibility, I mistakenly thought the sign meant 30 Minute parking, for all vehicles. 

Once inside and copying, an older man walked up to the counter and started to yell at the two ladies working! He started to berate them, saying they weren't working fast enough, where was his order etc.?

I felt sorry for the employees as this man berated them! Not wanting a confrontation, as soon as he walked away out of the store, I promptly went and spoke with the two staff members. They were shaken and I shared how they did not deserve to be yelled and treated like the way he did. I said they were valued and deserve to be respected! I also shared how much I valued them being there! They appreciated my words. I paid and only after 15 minutes of bring in the store, I paid and left the store.

Upon leaving the store, it was then I discovered my car was gone! My first thought, was my vehicle had been stolen! Turns out, I mistakenly parked in front of a Residential area and my car had been towed away by a local company!

I broke down in tears and a man, who had been behind me in the store line approached and asked if he could help?

The stress of the situation triggered my PTSD and I thought I was having a heart attack! All the meanwhile, the man offered his assistance. I explained I have Bipolar, PTSD and a device on my heart.

After I was able to catch my breath, he offered to take me to get my car, which was a few blocks away.

I have decided to keep this man’s first name he provided anonymous. He is a married man, father of one, who stepped into a stressful situation, when I was in crisis.

He suggested I call the towing company, for directions, to pick up my car. I am NOT mentioning the name of the towing company I had direct interaction with. My post explains why. 

I was told my vehicle would cost $XXX.XX amount of dollars to get it out of the compound! 

Also, if it stayed impounded, it would cost me another $XXX.XX to pay daily for it! Suddenly, it dawned on me that all of my monthly medications- I had picked up earlier for my heart, Stroke and disorders - were in the back of my car! Deep inside, I was worried about the GORE device I have on my heart and how all of the stress was affecting me. 

One of four packages of my medications in my blister packs I take for my heart and other illnesses, that were in the back of my towed vehicle! This is the backside, which contains my daily prescriptions. 

The company itself was horrible to deal with and before anyone lays judgment on all tow truck people, I have a side note to add to this, towards the end… after I share what took place at this one.

As I sat, a passenger in a strangers vehicle, I was in tears again, as I explained to the man that I did not have any money to pay for my car.

He was calm and reassuring.

Once at the towing company, I shared how this man- who I did not know- was willing to help me out by driving me there.  Even though, I was letting them know that a stranger was showing me kindness, they proceeded to treat me terribly!

I had to step out in tears and when this man came out of the office, he looked at me, with receipt in hand and said:

"Your bills been paid in full!"

I was in shock and stood there.

I stammered out, "Thank You So Much!"

I shared my website with him, as a means of seeing who he helped out and asked inside for a copy of the receipt- but due to privacy reasons I couldn't get it.

We said our goodbyes and I gave thanks for an angel to be sent to me, in my time of need.

Once the bill was sorted and after getting paid, this towing company was still horrible and rude to me!

In order to pick up my vehicle, they asked for my driver’s licence. I was filled with anxiety, as these were three, unprofessional employees, badgering me. I did not want to hand my ID over, yet I had to.

I then went to locate my car….the one that has the lettering I put on the back of my window:

Nova Scotia Strong, for those who were killed in massive gun violence.

The car that has a large Indigenous sticker that says: Every Child Matters in support of Orange Shirt day…

and the vehicle that displays a magnet for my book I wrote- a promise to my late daughter Shayla; covering topics of racism, domestic/child abuse, inequality and faith.

If ever a car was a beacon of light; my little red is it!

Once back inside my vehicle and in clear view of the three employees standing there- seething that I was reclaiming my car, I folded my hands in prayers. I gave thanks to the Creator for shining grace and favour upon me, I prayed for the man that had restored my faith in humanity by paying my large bill, and as I went to offer three single prayers…I saw them press a button that saw the compound gate close on me. Despite being paid, in view of my praying, they stood with menacing smiles, as I rushed to start my car and drive safely away!

In sharing (I've included a picture of the sign, but not the company). I also wrote a review of Staples in North Vancouver, asking people not to park in front of this area, or they will be towed)! If even one person reads my review of Staples and does not park in the wrong area- avoiding their vehicle being hauled away- then I feel I have paid back the stranger.

 Later that night, I suppressed the urge to write a not so favourable review of this towing company. This is despite the fact that I have been a Google Reviewer for ten years. I prayed and realized I could do more good, by simply posting under Staples, not to park here or you will be towed away! I receive updates on the amount of views and my review has been seen over a 100 times! I give full credit to God, as he prompted me to not lash out in anger, but to help others avoid such a painful and costly lesson! For not everyone, will have a stranger, willing to step in.

The next thing I did that night, was to research and read the reviews of other towing companies. 

I was elated to find a local, tow truck company, which has a compassionate heart and who after speaking with Steve the owner of Big Man Towing, I would highly recommend over the others!

Big Man Towing is Not at ALL associated with the other towing company- who actually towed and impounded my vehicle!

Right away, as Steve and I spoke, he was kind and empathetic, to my other negative towing experience. Steve is also a family man and was understanding of what took place. The more we talked, I began to see clearly that this is a man whose positive reviews, reflects on the company he operates, with knowledge, professionalism and dignity. 

In our conversation, we talked about health, as my own wellness had been greatly affected. Steve did not know that only recently, a relative had passed away. I also shared how my own life has been impacted by cancer, in the death of my father. He died from the disease, at the young age of 41.

I appreciated Steve's time and consideration, in speaking with me. 

A few days later, the after effects of what happened with the actual company who towed my car and impounded it, would see my disorders be triggered and ‘take me down’ for days.

Despite all of this, on the weekend, I wrote in my journal the following…

“You may take my car, you may take a stranger’s money, but as I sat in your compound, tears flowing, heart racing, while you pushed the button on your gate to force me to leave…the ONE thing you could not take from me, was my hands folded in prayers, for Each of YOU!”

I decided to also include Steve’s company, Big Man Towing, as a way to pray it forward. To share he has a reputable and wonderful towing company, while also understanding the stress the can occur in these kind of situations. 

To continue on the thread of positivity; instead of feeding the hounds of negativity via social media. 

I didn't want to be happy for someone paying my bill and that was it. I felt compelled to react in the way that I know would bring release, to a difficult situation and free me from the grips of the enemy.

I easily could have written an awful review and yet I wanted to pour light over the darkness and shed the beauty that while certain destructive things can come in ‘cycles’…so can Compassion.

“Usually we are judged by what we do…but I find what we don’t do…is what haunts us.”

-Last Measure

My sincerest thank you to the stranger who stepped in, when I felt my world turned upside down!

I am grateful for Steve’s valued time in speaking with me.

There is much appreciation for a dear friend of mine, who sent me the following video… this speaks to my tender heart and reflects on the cycles in my own life.

Watch "Jonathan McReynolds ft. DOE - Cycles Lyrics (Lyric Video)" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/6o2zd8VDHN0

 

By T.L. Alton

Walking my SOUL back to where the Love lives… inside of me

 

“You Cannot change your past, but you can change your perspective.” ~ Last Measure

I began this post, prior to a beloved relative passing away. I decided it was then best to set aside my pen and allow their death to settle within the open crevices of my heart.

In doing so, the depression I was already masked in, gave way to my building anxiety and my PTSD was triggered. I thought I was doing myself and everyone a favour by retreating from social media and delaying this post.

The truth is: Nothing will stay hidden forever- as the truth always comes out.

                                             Poem from Canadian Poet Rupi Kaur ~ Homebody 

So instead of dancing around my emotions, I chose to release them. Turns out, that happened to be in the midst of a laundromat, while I pulled my clothes out of a dryer. I found myself weeping in a mound of towels. Knowing I had stepped on the tripwire of my grieving emotions, I did my best to gather my things and take off to the city streets. Once in my car, I felt a panic attack ensuing and  had to remember my breathing techniques from prior therapy. 

For death is to me what darkness is to light- a suffocating shadow that threatens to overcome.

In amongst the sudden losses of valued life, there are the unexpected tragedies that I have come into my life.

Having to explain the connection between the three that intertwine one another- death- PTSD- grief is like giving a painful testimony, in front of a packed courtroom. This I would know from my past experiences.

Yet, I am also a believer of the light that can overcome the darkness and rise above all things nefarious.

For each of us, we respond to loss in our own individual ways that helps us to process the grief and heartache.

One of the most inspiring stories of a man, a true survivor of war and torture, was Louis Zamperini. His story of loss, courage, PTSD and redemption were featured in a two separate books by Laura Hillenbrand, Louis Zamperini and David Renin. Also, the films Unbroken and Unbroken: Path to Redemption.

One film captured his resilience, the other featured his resistance, in dealing with his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The one thing we have in common; is going to war within the borders of our minds.

The recent passing of a beloved relative, was coupled with my PTSD. Prior to their death, I had been dealing with Night Terrors- a common symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Night terrors are vivid nightmares, re-living traumatic experiences, which seem too real to believe, they are not. What follows in me, is a feeling of being ‘trapped in the moment,’ profuse sweating and extreme anxiety. I wake up struggling to breathe and re-focus on my surroundings.

I also awaken to feel I am living the night terror in real life.

This causes me to have a hypersensitivity to death and all aspects of loss, including intrusive thoughts and flashbacks.

Acknowledging it to myself is one thing…to openly take hold of the truth and share with the world is another.

Yet, if anything I’ve learned in the 11 years since being diagnosed with PTSD, is that there is Hope even among the darkest of nights.

“Around 50- 60 % of people in North America will experience severe trauma, at some time in their lives. One in 10 goes on to develop post- traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which is permanent in a third of the cases. Yet some people who have lived through major traumatic events, display an astonishing capacity to recover.”

This is where the light switch goes on. I am understanding that I need to be aware of what is happening in my surroundings. I also recently learned the hard way that in the midst of going through my bout of PTSD, I answered the phone to a dear friend of mine. Her voice, to me is, is full of reassurance and I was desperate to speak to her. Unfortunately, she was unprepared for my endless flow of tears, my pain and what I was enduring. To be fair, she called on the worst night of my mourning.

In wanting to impart some light, I had recently sent her some tea and a book of mine, which seemed ripped from the pages of my own tumultuous life.

For every word spoken in truth and opted for release, I sought to free myself from the darkness that I had made myself a prisoner of.

In having Bipolar and PTSD, I never claim it as my own- instead I share I have these illnesses- but I am not these disorders.

For me to walk into the light and share that I am seeking Counselling again, does not make me weak…it means there is still a huge part of me, which feels I am deserving of loving myself.

If anything in the reactive mode I am in, I am stepping up to acknowledge my hypervigilance, to speak up instead of shutting down and to breathe in the hope and light that comes with seeking help…that can save a life…my very own.

 

By TL Alton