You take the Love with YOU

Today as I sat on the manicured landscape of a mountainside, I thought about what my brother shared with me prior. He had listened to CBC Radio this morning and heard people speak of how today on all day’s that Mother’s whose children have died, are still Mothers- no matter what death had presented them with. I also thought of how things I shared with my late daughter Shayla, were deeply connected to my own mother. While their was melancholy, I did not have to fight back tears today, for Shayla left me with endless cherished memories. I was blessed to have found an old MP3 player with a mix of mine and my daughter’s songs on it. I knew exactly where I needed to go- just me, my sweet angel overlooking and the love of Jesus by my side. I found in my car a treasure- a photograph of myself as a young girl and a smaller picture of when my daughter was of similar age (right hand corner). I keep it gently tucked into my passenger visor- a reminder of many things. Like how despite both of us being bullied, we both managed to be blessed with the most unique and welcomed of friendships. Some of which, taught me a lot now about indifference and change.

Years later, after my only child has passed away, I was reminded of those I treasure and those who I share the value of forgiveness. To all of you who reached out to me, to a mother who misses her babygirl, I am grateful for the phone calls, emails, and texts simply to come alongside me to still honour the mother/ daughter bond we shared. I appreciated speaking with my brother over how our children never came with helpful manuals. Another mother/ friend repeated some sound advice:

You can beat yourself up for the parent you were- or you can be thankful for the opportunity to be one!

Later in the afternoon, as I prepared to leave, I was gifted with a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses.  A lovely sentiment, shared between two mothers.

Once at my destination, I brought out a photograph of Shayla, arms wide open, taken on one of our cherished visits to White Rock, BC.

Looking around, I saw mothers with their children, having a picnic or taking pictures together. My thoughts began to think about all those additional mothers who were missing their children. I paused to think of my best friend, whose daughter died and my brother’s son, whose mother was without him, not just today, but always. 

I made sure, on this day, to reach out and share some kind words from one mother’s grieving heart to another.

Abruptly, the wind picked up and a leaf rolled by, in front of me.

I took a deep breathe  and then exhaled.The impending change felt inside of me -that only God knows- is something I have felt before.

I understand  there is a sense of knowing that our children feel, when their mother’s are in pain. 

I know this, because of the day my daughter passed.

I was the one to feel, before anyone else was to even know- among family and friends- that Shayla had died. 

I imagined my daughter, as she reached for Jesus’s hand out of the frozen reservoir,  she glanced upwards and with her very last breathe, she said: 

Please God, let my momma know first I died and that I am going home to Heaven, to be with you.

This is where I have to stop and pause, as memories of that day from my past collide, with the present. I needed to take a deep breathe and remember who is in control.

Jesus knew, there on the slopes of a hill, on Mothers Day, I needed to refocus. 

It was then I took out the Mp3 player and started the music, which was like unfolding reflections of our lives. Some of the songs were mine and the other old school’s, belonged to Shayla. I decided three songs I heard in a row, were a perfect example, from the stories of Us. 💞

Instead of including the video links, I’ve decided to mash-up the lyrics into several sections. Just how it played out to me... in my way of thinking -between myself and my daughter- back and forth. I also imagined her dancing on the grassy hillside; in tune with the nature she loved to be surrounded with...

I'm not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one will love you as you are…
But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious! 

(The Greatest Showman Cast - This Is Me) 

There are days I've taken more than I can give
And there are choices that I made
That I wouldn't make again
I've had my share of laughter
Of tears and troubled times
This is has been the story of my life…

I have won
and I have lost
I got it right sometimes
But sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy, I've seen regret…
Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it! 

(Colton Dixon - Through All of It)

Words can't express what you mean to me
Even though you're gone, we’re still a team
In the future, can't wait to see
If you open up the gates for me
Every single day, every time I pray
I'll be missing you…
Know you’re in heaven smilin' down…

(Puff Daddy feat. Faith Evans & 112- I'll Be Missing You)

Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Momma, Be strong in the Lord and
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Momma, Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are!

(Sidewalk Prophets - The Words I Would Say)

 This mash-up is our special songs that we shared, or I added to my setlist, after my daughter had died. I know that my Mother’s Day night will include the one film that neither her nor I could get through to the end, without bawling – “GHOST.”

I recall one time,  after we had watched the movie, how Shayla turned with tears pooling in her baby blue eyes, she said to me…Momma, you take the love with you….💖

               Photograph I took in Hawaii, where I released my daughter's ashes

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Indeed, you do babygirl…YES, YOU DO!

By TL Alton