The last of the human freedoms is to choose one’s attitudes ~ Victor Frankl
I have this
reoccurring dream. I am laying on a beach, where the grains of sand are as
white as pearls. The warmth I am receiving upon my backside, feels like mother
nature’s heating pad. The globe suspended in the sky- the smoldering sun, makes
my tongue feel thick, with the absence of the cool liquid I am yearning for.
The irony of a thousand miles of sprawling ocean before me, settles within. Should
I take a drink, it would be my demise. As
my sweaty palms dig into the sandy shoreline, I find a piece of what looks like coal; yet is a fair size of
perforated, black lava rock. In an instant, my pulse begins to beat, and I
struggle to breathe. For I know the legend- the impact of Pele’s Curse- how
those who take a piece of the Hawaiian elements will suffer, until rock or
sand is returned.
In my dream, which I soon realize is a nightmare, I drop the stone in my hand and frantically search a rucksack belonging to another. Tears are streaming and landing into my mouth- my tongue darts out-desperate for something quenching. I find myself ripping apart the mysterious backpack.
Im my nightmare, I am frantic and know after having my
daughter died; the enemy's invitation of wickedness into my life. Rummaging
through the inside, something brushes across my fingers. Slowly, I pull out a
clear bag, it is full of black sand and fragments of lava rock. Immediately, my free
hand goes up to my mouth and as the screams escape; the beach suddenly gives
away and I find myself falling…falling…falling into the unknown. Until my restlessness in bed,
sees my body lunge forward. A cold sweat upon me, I open my eyes and look
downcast onto my lower body, to where I carried my child…it is covered with
thick layers of illicit, black sand.
It is then,
I truly wake up, gasping for air and realize another night of anxiety and
insomnia is upon me.
***
Everyday, I, along with others, battle monsters. The ones that were far easier to extinguish, until COVID-19, flourished in our world.
Last November, after I re-established myself, I expected the nightmares to stop.
They didn't.
Releasing myself from the confines of my vehicle, into shelter that sees birds outside my sunlit window ( No, I do not live at a bird sanctuary), I thought by moving inside, it would shut out the monsters. However, when you already have two disorders, been fortunate to live through a stroke, an aneurysm, and an horrific assault, my body was layered with the scars that were proof of my battleground. One where night terrors, no sleep, and fatigue all intertwined each other; in a new mash-up of Hotel California.
As usual, my
research had me delve into things like human connection, empathy, stress,
foods, disease/trauma, and the realization of how much our bodies are impacted
by all of these.
I could not have done embarked on a discovery of wellness, without the help of a good friend, who offered me via email, some wonderful places to start. My approach to what I learned, impacted me in such a profound manner, where the Gospel of peace, documentaries and research, has seen my reoccurring nightmares slowly begin to fade away. My resources were my Bible, two wonderful recipe/ health books, the use of imagery and space to re-focus, plus the following three documentaries: E-motion, The Human Experience and HEAL.
Before I proceed further, I am not making any claims that I am healed in anyway. I simply am open to understanding that what I have been doing is not working, in order to break the unhealthy cycle of what ails me. That instead of my wanting to move forward, quickly past it; ignoring the cause, I am willing to delve deep into understanding my symptoms on a broader level.
This comes
after a breakdown that occurred and left me reeling in more pain. That despite all of the medications I take….there
was a glitch in the programme.
I wash them
down with all of the prayers I’ve received and place myself in the hands of the
ultimate healer in my life, Jesus.
While I do
not understand the complexity of the process, I have been given a mind that is
always seeking and striving, in wanting to see past everything.
There has been
a shift; a desire to know more about what is below the bottom of my iceberg and
the reactors that trigger things from my
past- as if they are now going on in the present- ~ E-motion.
My disclosure is that I am a writer, who pens her life journey, in hopes that by my sharing scripture, that someone may want to discover the Bible (as I did many years ago). I hope that in my posts others can relate, and maybe feel at ease….not so alone. That you may find yourself laughing- the best medicine, in the pictures I share. My only intention is to relate with others, that in me poking fun at myself, is to relieve some of the burden of stress, I feel I go thru.
That in sharing my two favourite cookbooks, one by Beverly Lynn Bennett and the other by Rick Gallop (who
have done their proper studies), that you may find these recipes of healthy foods, benefit yourself. With tasty meal plans that can ease your gluten issues, your arthritis and pains, I have recommended them to many others.
As a Christian, I pray the elements made by Our Creator, can be used in such a way that promotes healing. In my preparation of foods and understanding the inter-connection between them, it helps to know I can reach for the fridge and healthy food, instead of taking another medication.
In my wanting to find balance, I am not
searching for miracles…I simply want to put pen to paper and find solutions.
For if anything I have learned over the past seven months since my relocation; is that the mind can take us to places, in order to protect us.
I understand
how last year, out of desperation, hospitalization and chaos, I spoke out to
the news and was in no proper means, well- enough to do so.
It took me
awhile to look back and see all of the helping hands upon me- the ones that
meant me no harm and wanted to truly help.
If you don’t have a great support in family and friends, then it’s
hell ~ The Human Experience.
Last summer,
I recall when a fierce storm was upon us, in Victoria, BC.
I was in the
Tim Horton’s and had bought one of the homeless a donut and a coffee. Over the
months of my displacement, he had come to know my scars as I did his. As we sat
across from another, I muttered how cold it was going to be. He looked at me,
shook his head and without a second thought, he said,
“I will you
what…why don’t we switch sleeping spaces tonight?”
The look on
my face showed my inner emotions.
I looked
downcast and replied, “I am so sorry! That was stupid of me to even say!
Patting my
hand, he smiled and with a mouthful of donut, he mumbled…
“No worries.
You know what, you are like a lost little sparrow, with broken wings. You don’t
know where you belong or how to heal.”
Sipping my French
vanilla coffee, I remained quiet, yet inside I knew he was right.
When we
parted, I saw him double back to the dumpster and grab his ‘home’ for the
night.
As the
pounding rain belted down, I saw him carry a large piece of cardboard, underneath
his arm.
Once back in my space- suddenly my car felt like I had been handed the keys to the Pent suite.
Later, I found myself without sleep- where the
truth of my friends words… kept me company, in the dark.
Recently,
when I watched “The Human Experience,” from the warmth of my home -while the
rain poured down outside... I felt the same mounding guilt that I did, that one night.
A few days ago,
as I watched the award-winning documentary tackle the serious ramifications of
those truly homeless, I understood the difference between displaced and in
need.
I look at those moments. Everyone lives differently. When you go
somewhere out of your own comfort zone, out of your own realm, and you enter
someone else's, that's learning. If you treasure your own life, you should
treasure other's lives. ~ The Human Experience.
During my
time, back into society, I felt the entanglement of both health, body and mind begin
to unravel in ways that I couldn’t understand. Why did I feel more at peace
with people on the streets? Then I carried on with my search and found the
words, my heart struggled to say:
A longing I’ve not felt before….to connect with people that
treated me like family I’ve always yearned for.
It made
sense then that coming out of an environment where those who were wounded,
could not hurt me, I felt a sense of community~ a purpose and place to ‘fit in.’
It was not
until I found shelter and moved away that I fell into a deep depression and
belief that I was going to die. The doctors who treated the symptoms, did not
look at the causes- they saw labels.
If my reoccurring
nightmare was any indication, I was reliving the pain that I thought I had processed….yet
forgot that the struggle is an important key to the emergence of healing.
Within these
documentaries, I was witness to the image of a butterfly in a cocoon, struggling
to emerge from the confines of mother nature. A person comes along with a pair
of scissors and cuts the cocoon, so the butterfly can finally come out. However,
when the butterfly does try and depart, it falls to the ground and simply dies. The emergence/struggle was all part of the process and had been taken away.
Even in the deepest suffering
~ there is significance- Heal
Something else I discovered is that last year, turning another
chapter of turbulence and my own struggles, in spite of it being hard for me to
ask for help; the honesty is that I could not have survived without it. I grew
depressed though believing that I had nothing to offer in return. One night,
sitting at a park, by myself I looked up at the sliver of the moon and began to
pray and offer gratitude. I prayed over those who had helped me. I gave prayers
of thanks to those who had sent me gift cards for Tim Hortons, McDonalds and in
turn I was able to share them with those in need. I prayed over a friend’s
business that was struggling, along with their health. My hands clasped
together, head bowed, I prayed over a recent reunion that was 10 years in the
making; I offered prayers of forgiveness and release of the hurt caused on both
of our parts, I prayed for those who had blessed me with giftings of funds and in
the mail, cards of support. AS my hands clasped onto one another, I prayed for someone
working from their home, for their struggles that were real and their own
health suffering, I prayed over the friend who went to work everyday, placing
themselves at risk of the virus, and also worry over their grandchild. I prayed
for my friends overseas and not able to see their families, including their own
grandbabies. I prayed for the family member that saw me through to shelter and food
when I was about to give up. I prayed for those I was a caregiver for and for
their daughter who gave her everything to provide for me, throughout the years.
I prayed for the churches I had attended and those who treated me as a sister
and brother in Christ. As my prayers carried on into the night, an hour had passed,
and I was no longer cold or felt alone. It dawned on me that this was
not the struggle…for I had been on the hearts and minds of many. It was my own mindset
that was seeing me battle myself- not others. For carrying me throughout a time
of hardship, were their prayers, thoughts and heartfelt wishes.
It’s not what I gave them …it’s what each of them gave to me.
The past several months, living in isolation and due to my fears, I’ve become sicker. I have a stack of requisitions, notes and description of maladies I am suffering from. This was worsened by a visit to my hometown that has seen my health deteriorate. For my affliction stems from my mind poisoned by the past and things I cannot release, in order to heal. Scripture says repeatedly throughout the Bible about healing the mind and soul, through the process of letting go. For me, its as if my brain is much like a needle on a record, skipping. It is stuck and cannot carry onward.
The body wants to be
healthy, but the head- its just like a racket you are running on yourself, and
you need to let go of that. ~ Heal
This reminded me of the power of prayer…
How could my prayer, my meditation, my loving thoughts of gratitude and appreciation possibly impact the healing of another person, in a room with me or halfway around the world? The answer:
We are All deeply connected 💕
As I
watched the documentary, something a woman said was like the skipping record... was brought to a halt.
I’ve spent most of
my life suffering from some form of illness; its all so familiar that it is
actually scary for me to let go.
To be open and honest, I am sharing that my body being in a state of turmoil and distress, feels more at ease - with being broken. It is a place of familiarity, where the dulling pain has tricked me into thinking, it is a place of comfort.
The family sets up
boundaries that are very different from any other relationship in the world.
Whether the family has been a place of security or insecurity for us, it is a
place that we continually have to turn to, to know who we are and to in fact,
try to figure out how to know these others.
In watching E-motions, I am reminded at how I may think I
have moved past all of my childhood fears and the monsters in my room; however
my body has spent years internalizing them and holding onto the pain…causing me to have a biological clock- ticking with trapped stress- that is now
carried over into my adulthood.
The need to get past the trauma has been with me for
fifty years now. Often I let my mind wander and imagine a place where I can
unpack all of my baggage; my wounds and the scars, in order to return to place
of healing. Then I smile, as I know of such a place, but it is not part of our
earthly world.
As I watched the last part of The Human Experience, I saw
a group of young men, travel to a Leprosy/AIDS community, where people lived in
exile in Peru.
It was here, at the conclusion of this documentary that I saw the thread of compassion, weaved into every story they had shared. As I watched them gently reach for and then take hold of the disfigured hands of man, women and child, I began to cry, then I saw them touch the face of a little girl with AIDS. It was this connection of human kindness that reminds me of the depths of another’s soul.
This is something I have learned and continue to learn, only after I understood the concept of "We" instead of me.
“We must rapidly begin the shift from a “THING” –
orientated society to a person- orientated society.” ~ Martin Luther King Jr.
By TL Alton
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