Spread LOVE~ For the Love of Mother's Everywhere!

In one week, I have managed to process alot- especially with my overthinking. What happened only a few weeks back has haunted me and yet in my prayers, my researching, having my lithium re-tested and speaking over the phone with a guidance counsellor, I now better understand the contradiction of writing to release; as opposed to writing, in order to heal.

My visit to the town I grew up in, began with something I chose to release- connected to my past. I may have disposed of it- yet I was unaware of the doors, I was going to open.

This post here is no longer about that. For I needed to take a whole day of introspection thinking to realize, I am  not the sole person on our earth, which is hurting, struggling, and fighting to survive.

This journey led me to the invisible doorsteps of another day that  I chose to invite others to share, those who were willing to let me speak of a day that not all sons and daughters are okay with- Mother’s Day. I began my phone conversations acknowledging that I failed as a mother- not to one, but three children. The truth is my stepchildren were really not mine to raise and my like Shayla, who was on lend to me, my futile efforts of filling in the role for someone else, was botched in ways I can never re-do, but I can acknowledge my lack of parenting skills, in a way that holds me accountable. I am free to come from behind that wall of mine and take an honest look of how a young, out of control girl at 21, foolishly thought I could become a mother to three, beautiful- but hurting children.

I may speak in different languages of people or even angels. But if I do not love , I am only a noisy bell or a crashing cymbal.  1 Corinthians 13:1

Recently, I watched the Netflix series “Little Fires Everywhere” based on the best-selling novel by Celeste Ng. Two episodes in and I was gripped with anguish- knowing I was the main mother character Elena Richardson. As far as a parent goes, I had convinced myself that I had not turned into my own mother- harboring deception and heartache. While my life had never been fueled by the bottle- my biggest secret was that I had lied for many years- touting myself as a good mother. Of course I loved and cared for the trio of children I was entrusted to raise; I made perfect homemade Christmas cards and lunches that carried PB & jelly cut out heart sandwiches. I showed up for soccer practices/games and stood with other mother’s cheering them all on. The reality is…I was not showing up for myself. All the fractured pieces of me were barely holding on and then, the biggest revelation, was I lived a lie where I denied myself the wellness and love that I needed so urgently. My disorder was only discovered after I had left my marriage- after all of the walls had come burning down- by then it was too late to repair.  I went through years of coming to terms; being blessed with receiving Christian Counselling, in order to understand the distorted love I knew growing up- had been passed onto three vulnerable souls.

Lyrics for "The Proof of Your Love": If I sing but don't have love I waste my breath with every song I bring an empty voice, a hollow noise. If I speak with a silver tongue, convince a crowd, but don't have love I leave a bitter taste with every word I say. So let my life be the proof, the proof of Your love, let my love look like You and what You're made of How You lived, how You died-Love is sacrifice, So let my life be the proof The proof of Your love. ~ For King & Country

The Little Fires Everywhere series shook me up to the core and reminds me why I don’t like secrets- why I display my worst moments, in hopes some other parent/person will seek help- and not leave as a legacy- the remnants of an abusive past.

While my own daughter and I shared an incredible bond, I know I did not have the strength and wisdom to be raising another two, whose mother, was on her own healing journey.

In the support group I spent 8 months in, I needed to process each relationship of mine, the ones I had that were mixed with tears and rain, yet also love.

Listening to this song, I am reminded that I did show up and remained for ten years- through all of the chaos- not only mine. I also thought of my mom and the distorted relationship we have with one another. While I am all about sharing my many secrets- my mom, whose secrets are so embedded in the past…I know I will never come to know or even hear them.

Pictures of You (From "Little Fires Everywhere") · Lauren Ruth Ward https://youtu.be/1mA7EfH6cpc

I also received an eye- opening email from a dear friend. One who had read my last post and offered with her gentle words, scripture to remind me of things I had forgotten.

I am sharing a few highlights that were placed upon my heart.

Something my dear friend shared with me that was profound and true:

The enemy will still try to oppress you and deceive you, but he cannot reverse your salvation, which Jesus made a done deal. That is the incredible hope we have in Him! Romans 8 speaks of this amazing truth, but I'll specifically share one of my favourite passages in this chapter, which is:

 Romans 8:38-39: For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, [39] Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

She then sent me a link to a helpful article dealing with the sensitive nature of suicide.

 Dr. Roger Barrier on crosswalk.com speaks of his own challenges and personal response:

I've struggled with depression throughout my life. Thank God for anti-depressants. Anti-depressants don't put rose-colored glasses on before our eyes. Anti-depressants just take off the dark ones.

When I don't feel like He is treating me well, I try to remember that the Bible never says that God will solve all of our problems. What he promises, is to give us the grace and power to live victoriously through our problems.

The other night, I watched a Christian film that I had seen before, but this time I had a fresh set of eyes. It was God’s Not Dead 3, and the following passages settled with me:

If being a Christian doesn’t affect the way we act, how do we actually know our values and beliefs are more valid than others? We as believers, have to experience doubts, as uncertainty leads to the truth. That is, the truth grapples with difficult questions.

How painful it is to be in a fire of hurt and uncertainty; where God has chosen for me to be. You gotta work through the pain- we cannot respond to Hate with more hate.

At this point, I paused the film and got down on my knees to pray. I remained there for a good ½ hour, pouring out my requests – not for me- but for other peoples heartache. I cried over my selfishness over how I have been reflecting on myself- when my dearest friends needed intercession of prayers on them. I also cried out the word: STOP! Asking God to rid me of my self-doubts, my anxiety and misuse of my words, He has given unto me.

Continuing on, I listened intently as the main characters had the following exchanges:

Reverand Dave: It’s okay to be broken…as it means God’s not done shaping you.

The character goes onto say, he wishes he could go back… at this point I’m wringing my hands together.

Her (Meg's) response was so poignant that I made sure to include it here:

I’ve gone back to school, I’ve gone back home, and I’ve even gone back to brunette, but I’ve Never been able to go back to the way things were….. so just how far back is that you’d return? Because going back, never really works.

There it was- summed up perfectly- in my opinion. You can’t go back- only forward.

Really, its far important to own your past and not let it sabotage you.

I have to learn to untether my past from the present, for I have made apologies to those I have hurt, and this includes a deep apology for the shame that came about due to a recent trip – to someone who I will always love as my best friend.

The other person I need to make amends with, is the woman who gave me life.

While I fall short with my own mother with labels that only binds us in our hurt, I realized that smiting my own flesh and blood is to bring shame to my scars. Instead, I needed to understand the love and light that does not separate me from my Heavenly Father, is the very same that shines upon what my mother and I do share in what we do have together.

In all that is a part of my path as a Christian, I could see that everything I’ve tried to put a wedge in between, did not stop Jesus from loving me….for He breaks all strongholds over me.

I was delivered in victory by the wounds of the one- Christ whose own scars remind me to be thankful.

( Spoiler Alert)!

Sitting in my darkened room, I watched the conclusion of “Little Fires Everywhere.”  The character Mia shares through tears to her daughter Pearl about a fire she once witnessed:

“Sometimes, just when you think everything’s gone, you find a way…

After a prairie fire, there is scorched earth. It felt like the end of the world, but then I had you. When you were brought into this world, sometimes you have to scorch everything to start over. After the burning; the soil is rich and new life can grown there. People are like that too; they are resilient and start over…

This reminds me of my own babygirl and the 21 Mother’s Days we spent together. Since her passing, I have spent 10 years- without her, but I’m not alone. In going through her belongings and after her death, I have found token of golden moments that still shine of her. Rolled notes I took from my jar of grief, before I gifted it to a friend- who is another amazing mother.

I also found a connection to those who are homeless- separate from my own journey of being displaced twice. These mementoes that I once cherished so dearly... until it was time to let go.

This also pertains to spreading love out into our world…in my writing, once I edit and post- I go back and sometimes, despite how hard it is to free my pain out to the world, I know I have to let it be as its all a process of healing. Other times, I realize the message of my faith is muddled and I will revise- try not to remove, in order to chip away at the darkness, so as to reveal the light.

Video: (Let Me Tell You about) My Jesus https://youtu.be/FW5o2uBeMWQ Anne Wilson

On the foundation that is the purpose of this blog post, I dedicate to the following:

To the mother’s who are not perfect, those who battle disorders, disease, and addictions. To those who are keepers of their darkest secrets. For those who struggle with infertility and to those who are struggling to raise another woman’s child(ren). This post is for the mothers who are homeless, raising their children within the confines of a vehicle or another shelter. To the many women who find themselves unwillingly pregnant, from the most sordid of situations. Their is the ripple effect. For when you hurt a mother in the present, you affect the future of her generations. 

I also dedicate this post to the Mothers of those Missing and Murdered Indigenous young women and men, whose mothers aching hearts, long to hold their sons and daughters again. 

To all of you whose child(ren) have died, who hold onto the cherished memories of their sons and daughters- who will never be forgotten. For those mothers- who due to Immigration issues- are separated from their child(ren), my words are for you and your immeasurable hardships. To those who made the decisions not to become mothers but have a mother of their own. For those children who have no mothers to celebrate, for they have passed away, they will always be remembered. I Dedicate this post to those who are pregnant, carrying the beautiful life that was created between two souls out of pure love. This tribute is for those separated by the pandemic and cannot see their mothers and to those who have been blessed with one or many children, whose bonds are strong! To any one I missed unintentionally, I dedicate my words to you and honour the form of motherhood, you find yourself in.

From these depths, I rise with you…to stand beside you and ask for every chain to be unlocked…to say a prayer, over every fragile piece of you, which is connected to LOVE & LIFE!

     My late daughter Shayla, pondering her thoughts 💖

Happiest of Mother’s Day!

 

By TL Alton