Grief is ugly, raw, and visceral; yet in no way, does it
give permission for one hurting individual, to cause pain for another.This Blog is dedicated to those who were caught in my cross-hairs of anguish nearly ten years ago, in hopes the light overcomes the shadows.
Each of us can look back on our lives and see profound
moments where we would want to remove instances where we could obliterate the
pain caused by rash decisions, engraved with pain, and altering our lives,
where we cry out in sorrow.
I’ve been held to these moments; circumstances where I instead
of honouring ones memory; I made a choice to let my heartache override all
else.
When on December 12, 2011 I helped to compose the obituary of
my 21-year-old daughter Shayla; I failed to include certain others who loved
her, her were grieving her loss and who were truly innocent- yet found
themselves caught up in the cross-hairs of immeasurable loss.
This summer, a rebounding release of sorrow was delivered m
way with heart-wrenching impact.
It took me nearly ten years to understand how the enemy
Never forgets, but there is Hope...
When my only child died suddenly in a tragic car wreck, before Christmas 2011, I took to heart the words…the pen is mightier than the sword and in my anger of an estranged, dysfunctional family, I aimed to cut out any loved ones who had caused me pain; those I could not collectively grieve with.
Over the years, I convinced myself that I was innocent in
doing such a hurtful thing; yet a part of me took out my anger on those who may
have been distant from me— yet loved Shayla profusely!
Years later, I would be asked to lead a faith-based course
called “GriefShare.”
My first reaction was to pass.
I questioned how I could possibly lead others in bereavement?
When I myself had messed up badly…handling those connected to my daughter’s
loss.
Still, I felt this course placed upon my heart.
I went into getting facilitated, by acknowledging that I was
the ‘blank canvas/the clay... with the Lord being the artist and the potter’.
God’s reminder…He was not finished with me and I still had
to learn that in my loss…I was not alone.
I had previously been a part of The Compassionate Friends Of Canada http://tcfcanada.net/
and also The Hospice in Langley ( where I took part in a 8 month bereavement support group).
I learned I had the right to grieve; even express anger...but in a safe environment.
Having a child die and later leading a 5 month Bereavement course, does not make me an expert on loss...no, it gave me a better insight into my own grieving process.
I spent the summer taking the course; watching videos,
writing in my workbook ~ all things that would be required of those who I would
led (guided by God).
The course was very specific…that if I were hanging onto
anger and residual heartache, connected to others…I would be in no shape to be
a leader.
I knew I would have to readdress the original Obituary I had
composed years earlier and do a re-write…to finish what I had started and to seek
peace and forgiveness for the one person who was my worst enemy, who loathed my
actions…myself.
The following is my revisions. One that with clarity, I
realized its long overdue – in print. Keep in mind, I am certain someone was
still overlooked, yet I tried my very best, holding out on Hope that others
know where they were placed in Shayla’s life. …
One of the shining...
Shayla Rae Dawn Driver (Alton) was taken from us suddenly as
a result of a tragic car accident on McKinley Landing Monday, December 12,
2011.Shayla had travelled from her home in Kamloops to Kelowna to visit family
and welcome the newest addition, a baby boy named Harrison Alton. One week
later, Shayla was to have travelled to her mother's home in the Fraser Valley
and celebrate Christmas with the two of them spending the holidays in Victoria.
During the 21 years she spent with family, friends and those who loved her; her
vibrancy was felt in everything she did and the compassion she showed to
countless others was immeasurable. When Shayla walked into a room, her lively
laughter filled every inch of it and when she left it, the love Shayla
contained was released; shining goodness unto others.
Her devotion to helping those less fortunate knew no bounds;
from her involvement with the homeless, poverty stricken, survivors of abuse,
those who had mental health issues and at-risk aboriginal youth, her body had
to grow to accommodate her immense, kind heart. Shayla was a warrior in that
she stood up for others and her own beliefs; she was naturally drawn to those
who were as unique as she was. Her love of everything colorful saw Shayla
change her hair color to suit whatever mood she felt and evoked a sense of
eclectic fashion style which reflected her rainbow spirit.
Her faith was the source of her true roots; for Shayla’s
baptism and devotion to the one who came to save us; reigned deep in her life.
Her aboriginal roots were important; as she embraced who she
believed she was and took great pride in playing the Honour Drum she was given
at her Kelowna Senior Secondary graduation by Richard Gauthier.
In August 2011, Shayla fulfilled a childhood dream, along
with her mother when they travelled to Disney world. It was her wish to see the
Magical Kingdom and castle. As the sky lit up with a kaleidoscope of fireworks,
the girl who wished upon a star became the Princess, we already knew she was.
Now, as her life has been sadly taken, the loss of Shayla
has had a ripple effect on this world. She was predeceased by her Auntie
Marilyn Sinoski, who now joins her in peace.
Shayla is survived by and will be lovingly be remembered by
her mother, Tonya Alton (Paul Padgett who many times was the reason Shayla was
able to travel and see them. Her father, David Alton, her brother Gary Alton,
and sister-in-law Christel Alton, along with their baby boy, Harrison Alton.
Her sister Kimberly Osborne, nephew Mason Osborne, niece, Parker Osborne, Faye Osborne,
and family. Shayla also leaves behind her two cousins Matthew and Tristan
Murphy, her Uncle Brad Murphy, and Beloved Aunt Mara, who loved Shayla dearly.
In grieving her loss, is her grandmother Dee McQuay, who
Shayla spent many summers with on Vancouver Island, creating special memories
together.
She leaves behind to mourn numerous extended family.
Also left in sorrow are David Wilson, Joanne and Barry
Wilson and family.
Shayla’s extended family Aunty Lori, Sean, Melissa, Brian
Lightle, Aunty Leeann, Devon and Dawson Frayn, Sherry Brown, and endless
friends, including Chantelle Carriere, Jaclyn Porter, KK and so many more.
Shayla’s connections to Salmon Arm and the Falkland area,
gave her mother a chance to express with deepest gratitude, the pursuit of
forgiveness in the form of a special Sitka Tree.
A service to Celebrate the life of this amazing angel will
be held on Tuesday, December 20 at First Memorial Funeral Services 1211
Sutherland Avenue in Kelowna at 11:11 am. Please wear something with the
colours of the rainbow to reflect the vibrant girl, we all were touched dearly
by. We request no flowers and in lieu of them and to honour Shayla, please make
a donation to The United Way c/o the Homeless Action Plan in Kamloops or The
Canadian Mental Health Association.
On behalf of the family of Shayla Rae Dawn Driver, we would
like to extend our heartfelt thanks to those who tried to save our babygirl and
those who supported us throughout this extremely difficult time. Our sincere
thanks to the Doctors and Nurses who worked so incredibly hard on Shayla at
Kelowna General Hospital. We know you share in our great loss. To the
Constables both in Kelowna and Surrey who dealt with us and stayed with our
families, we are deeply grateful. Thank You to Cst. Tim Monteith, Cst. Steven
Holmes, Cst. Baker, Cst. Williams and deepest gratitude to Sheldon Herman who
was willing to risk his life to try and save our daughter. To Betty Noble, you
gave all of us peace with you sharing our daughters final moments. To Wayne
Laurie from Mountain Peak Ministries, words cannot express how much your
presence was appreciated. To Sandy from the Surrey Victims Services, thank you
for being there, when the devastating news was given. Our family would like to
let the woman who was following Shayla know, there was absolutely nothing you
could have done to save her on that treacherous road! Our beloved babygirl has
spread her wings and remains the brightest star to always remind us of her
love, legacy, and 21 years on this earth.
In the Beatitudes Matthew 5:3 -12...each begins with Blessed are...
·
...the
poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. (5:3)
·
...those
who mourn: for they will be comforted. (5:4)
·
...the
meek: for they will inherit the earth. (5:5)
·
...those
who hunger and thirst for righteousness: for they will be filled. (5:6)
·
...the merciful: for they will be shown mercy. (5:7)
·
...the
pure in heart: for they will see God. (5:8)
·
...the
peacemakers: for they will be called children of God. (5:9)
·
...those
who are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of
heaven. (5:10)
In my re-do, I understand that every step of the way; hard as it has been…God continues to be my personal guide to Peace, Forgiveness and...
HEALING.
https://youtu.be/tDiG3Nxm7CU Riley Clemmons VIDEO
By Tonya L Alton
Often, I look back at a post and can see from where it is rooted in. In composing this one, I was dealing with the raw emotions that are stirred up by the sudden deaths of three people, close to my heart, which passed away in the month of December.
ReplyDeleteCombined with my stroke brain and mixed in with the memories of Christmas's past, I can understand where it is, I often write from. In reading more about the emotional changes of a Stroke, I found this: Stroke impacts the brain, and the brain controls our behavior and emotions. You or your loved one may experience feelings of irritability, forgetfulness, carelessness or confusion.
I understand all of the above and have experienced it. I've shared messages unintentional and forgotten I've sent a dear friend my words...three times! I've needed to delete some blog posts, as I realized the importance of taking my hurt to God and not the open, viral world. Yet, when I re-read this entry above, I know it is a keeper ~ to stay amongst the pages.
During this time of year, as others are struggling with their own sorrow and painful losses, its what the heart knows... that despite the fogginess of the brain...one can connect with the love that dwells within.