Throughout the twenty years I have been writing,
some people have encouraged me to pen my life story. I am humbled to point out,
I have been doing so for the past ten years of posts, on my various blogs.
In sharing, I do not write for a captive audience;
rather it’s a release of words buried in the compartments of my mind. Often,
after I have uploaded a blog entry, I can almost hear the gasps of those who
say: “Did she really just reveal that to the whole world?”
I found this quote... as a response to the above, which sums up my
life, my accountability and my sharing of the scars I bare.
“Christians are obligated to speak
the truth at all times. As a witness to our integrity, we affirm that we will
tell the truth at all times, in keeping with what Jesus taught in the Sermon on
the Mount.”
Last weekend, standing in front of the picture before me at the B & B I stayed at, the image engulfed me by what I saw. The storm clouds hovering over a beached boat summons me to where it all began.
This summer, I met someone. In my desire to be loved after many years of remaining single, I chose to embark on a short journey, where I cast my beliefs into murky waters.
As I sat in this man’s boat, he disclosed that despite years of separation, he was still married. While my heart sank, I made the choice to carry on a relationship. Two Christians, who loved Jesus, were two sinners; entangled in a union we had no right to.
There was no need to pressure me into agreeing that this was a great idea. Over the years, my battle with weight and finding solace in food, had me convinced no one would ever love me for who I had become. Therefore, I showered this man with gifts, to show how lucky I was.
I also bought him a ticket to the upcoming For King & Country concert event, on November 2nd.
The painful reality became clearer; beyond the gifts, dinners and treating him...
I now was feeding another beast – insecurity.
When nothing else but Jesus should have been satisfying my life, I funneled my earnings into a vast black hole of emptiness.
Lately, been down so low
My faith seems to come and go Some days, Father, I don't know How did my love grow cold? ~ Prize Worth Fighting For, Jimmy Kimmett
The day I boarded the bus onto the ferry, to cross the ocean back to the mainland, various tendrils to the past remained. I carried with me something connected to my only child and the woods where Sitka stands. Due to my solo journey involving numerous means of transportation, the offering I had to give, needed to be carried through to the end of my trip.
On the evening before the concert, I stayed in and watched the true inspirational story of Brandon Burlsworth, called “Greater.” https://youtu.be/v0Ow6lhvPNk
It was just the beginning of filling up my empty well.
I prayed over what to do with the extra tickets I had, and it all came in verse:
2 Corinthians 9:6-7 (NIV)
Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
In offering the Casting Crowns Ticket and Dinner Package for free, I broke the bondage attached to my guilt, of purchasing it in the first place. A young man named Roderick sent me a kind-hearted email. He shared how much his mother Susan liked the bands Christian music and how he wished she could see them perform live. Then Roderick shared his favourite Casting Crowns song: “Slow Fade.” He added: It is his conscience’s song to keep him strong in times of weakness. It reminded him that every compromise is a big deal and not something to take lightly.
Since it was an older song by Casting Crowns, I decided to look it up and as the video played, I felt a stream of tears. It is about a married man whose eyes are upon another woman, in lust. This brought me to fold my hands in prayer, for those I needed to release myself from. They were strangers to me. Even though the relationship I had been in was dissolved, the connection to two woman I had never met, needed to be broken by mercy. My heart opened to the wife and the daughter of the man; I had been seeing. I asked for forgiveness of venturing into a relationship with a man I had no right to do so. While in this affair with a married man, I stopped honouring Jesus in what I took part in.
“My heart needs a surgeon; my Soul needs a friend.” ~ Cody Carnes
On the night of the concert, I met Roderick and Susan at the venue. I was happy to hear that her son had bought a ticket and would be sitting in the seats, amongst the crowd.
As Susan and I had dinner together, she spoke fondly of her eleven children. I was surprised, but the next thing she told me, came more of a shock. Within their Christian family, was a daughter…named Shaylah. I sat in awe and wonder of how it was a God connection our daughters shared the same namesake (only difference was Susan’s daughter had an h on the end). She told me about the non-profit missionary work the whole family is involved with ~ Hope For Today.
Susan gave me some information and passed onto me a CD, which had a personal message from both mother and son. In writing my blog post, I have listened to the music and a song called: The Candle, resonated within me.
“Keep the candles burning I pray for me, I will walk by candlelight for I am not the one and only, here tonight.”
During our dinner, I knew there was purpose to my presence. I was carrying the extra ticket For King & Country. Behind me, I heard a young lady talk of her upcoming birthday, on November 2nd. This was the same day of the Christian concert. Introducing myself, the two ladies were Danielle and Amy. I gifted Danielle an early birthday present, as I placed the ticket in her hand. Later, through my book website, she would send me a heartfelt message of gratitude for the gifting.
Before I left on this adventure of faith to the mainland, I wrote in deep purple lip-liner on my bathroom mirror: Prayers for the musicians.
Now, as we all shared in fellowship and food, I sought guidance as to who I should assemble. I first asked Susan, Amy and Danielle, then moved onto a table of such warmth and light. Four beautiful ladies who are part of the African community, kindly let me share about my cultural journey, through my writing. I know three of the lady’s names were Evelyn, Anne and Grace, yet the fourth girl I cannot say. When asked to join the prayer circle for those who would perform, each woman gathered in words of blessings, upon every band member.
Settling into my seat I was amazed that as I let go of everything, God showed up to close doors, while opening others full of promise.
Over the years I have attended many events, yet I was not prepared for the deep connection with Jesus that transpired over the evening.
This was an impacting show in the power of the Lord’s love. It never felt as if I were in a stadium with throngs of people, rather I had a front seat to a night of worship, with our Creator.
When Cody Carnes wife, Kari Jobe joined him onstage, they raised the roof with the lyrics of “Forever.” I felt the music and was jumping up and down, as they delivered a powerful performance. The air was filled with hands outstretched to the heavens full of stars. During the ballads, concert goers- including myself- shone their phone lights. To see the beaming rays, was an indication of the radiance present, in a building full of worship.
By the time Casting Crowns appeared, my heart was on fire and I was hungry for the spoken word. The lead singer Mark Hall, infused the audience with Jesus, telling detailed stories of his life as a Youth Pastor. When he broke the personal barriers with his own struggles of Dyslexia and ADHD, the woman next me confided she was video taping Mark’s testimony. She wanted to share with her Autistic son, who was struggling and had given up on himself.
I realized everyone around me, was dealing with some kind of battle.
I would later meet several people during intermission, who are over comers. A woman, whose fierce meth addiction bound her to the enemy, was now clean and sober 14 years. Told she would never be able to have children; she is now mother to two, thriving boys.
At one point during the concert, it was shared the profits from the evening, would go to benefit Taylor Made Retreat in Portland Oregon.
Their Mission Statement is:
To help men overcome addiction through Jesus Christ, giving hope and restoring relationships.
I had the chance to have a conversation on the telephone with Richard Korkowski.
In the time we had, he was able to provide further details about the programs offered and shared that Joshua House received a donation from the concert. Richard spoke about the men of Joshua House, who are part of the set-up, tear down crew for all the Christian concerts in the area and have the opportunity to receive the Lord, at these events. It was amazing to hear how the men have been a part of Praise Fest, Casting Crowns and other crew set-ups, including the upcoming For King & Country concert. Being a part of these Christian experiences, allows these men, to have a chance to hear about God and receive in worship.
The costs of operation for Joshua House is over $450,000. The core of the expenses comes from various means of funding and also relies on donations.
The recovery program is a valuable lifeline; a place where sin meets saving. This year has seen 89 baptisms take place.
I am grateful for the chance to have learned more about the 95 men and dedication of staff, who everyday serve in a way, which is centered on Jesus.
Link to Joshua House: https://www.yahwehsavesrecovery.ca/
Personally, I know what it is like to watch loved ones battle against their addictions. I also have learned about all facets in forgiveness and releasing myself from the burdens of guilt, connected to another person's scars.
Likewise, I have needed to remember the value of listening, so as to be guided.
When the Lord directs your attention to him, it is important to take notice.
Even if it means standing out in a crowd, when you feel completely alone. During the interval at the concert, Mark asked for Youth Pastors and others involved in Ministry, to go to a specific area for encouragement and prayer. As a large group gathered, I stood in front of Mark.
Before he prayed, Mark asked those who were involved with youth, to put up their hand. I stayed silent. Then he asked those who were involved in Ministry to hold up their hand. Again, I stood quietly. While I am a Christian writer and mental health advocate, I was not there to receive praise. Rather, I simply needed prayer.
Afterwards, I had the chance to speak with Nathan. He was part of Mark’s Youth group and is now his PR. I gave him one of my cards that I usually hand out for my book. Yet, it was not meant to be about my novel, instead I wanted to pass along my blog link to this post.
Once back on stage, Mark openly shared some of his own health battles, including kidney cancer in 2015 and last year being sidelined, when he needed surgery on his vocal cords. Turning his attention to the Book of James, Mark shared how he is a follower of Jesus and pointed to Him.
Soon after, another gift he was blessed with, was shown to those in the audience. Standing behind an easel set up on stage and drawing upside down, Mark began to sketch with both hands as the band sang, “Who Am I.”
Sitting in awe, I gazed upon the crowd, who were also astounded at the formation of Jesus on the paper. At the end, Mark stood in front of the image he had drawn and added finishing touches.
 
The significance of Casting Crowns most recent album “Only Jesus,” now has a greater meaning to me of the lyrics and my own path as a writer. My legacy won't be the words I publish...as I look heavenward, I give all the glory to ' the God who saves and takes away'.
There was a moment during the concert, when Megan Garrett stood on the stage. As she sang from a familiar place in such a profound way, the words were as if Jesus was sitting right beside me… in the empty seat.
Your spirit is a whispering
When all the lies are deafening
You speak to the very heart of me
And fear cannot remain
Your spirit is the light ahead
Calling me into the depths
And daring me to take a step
And let you lead the way
Your spirit is a holy flame
Burning all the old away
Here I am, lord, have your way
'Til all that's left is you
Your spirit is my constant friend
You're with me to the very end
I'll never be alone again
You're the change in me.
The following day, I sat on a bus with the understanding that I no longer could live for my own agenda. In six years, there had been interactions with others. Even though I remained single, my spirituality did not line up with the beliefs, I vowed I would give my life for. While I thought the shame I carried was private, the truth is Jesus has stood by every sordid mistake, I have ever made. Though there is no one to blame for my choices, Matthew 5:28 reminds me, I am not alone in poor decisions.
My whirlwind three-day trip concluded, with a gifting that saw an old chapter come to an end, while new beginnings are to unfold. As I offered someone from my past-a present of transformation- I joined in the reason to celebrate, their own happiness and future.
Beautiful is the release, as God shows us what happens, when we surrender.
While this is not my story to boast, it is my story to glorify the one I believe in…
by T.L. Alton
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