The thing about healing...is you have to go back to the shack.
In my discovery….I found…
That God never loved the
façade at all…instead, He always loved the shack, complete with its
devastation, complete with its shame, complete with its guilt, complete with
it’s self-hatred and loathing. But it was ME and my heart. It was My Soul and
God was in love in with me.
It was inside my own Shack
that I have always been pursued and have always been embraced by relentless
affection; the kindness and grace of God that is our Only hope in Jesus.
So often we’re waiting on
someone else to change- before we’re willing to take the steps, to change
ourselves.”
***
As I type
Paul’s raw, honest words, I think of my mom…the cycle’s of chaos created
within, her secrets, the poison released unto her children…built up over the
years and I see her inner child, is shattered into a million little pieces so
badly…they never came back together…yet the toxic environment of her own shack,
affected the roots of her son and daughter, in ways that saw her shack implode,
from the inside out.
This is when listening
intently to the words Paul is sharing…he says…
“We’re each uniquely damaged
and we’re each uniquely healed.”
If I am to believe this, then the
next generation- which I am part of- then there is Hope. Also, we are not to
point fingers at those who are struggling themselves, but remember where we
ourselves have been…
When you finally hit that
rock bottom, it’s finally a place where you can stand, but it’s a devastatingly
hard place to be.
***
Throughout
the series, Paul references a C.S. Lewis Term: “God- The Grand Interferer.”
A God who is not content to
sit back and let us continue in our misery, our lostness and our suffering, and
our darkness and our blindness. But dives in with us and joins us in the middle
with us, even when we can’t perceive his presence.
For me to be hearing this, coming through all I have
endured, it’s like my lantern has been re-lit.
In reference to this, within my book there are several instances of light sources. There is one main character, who purchase an old lantern that doesn’t work. Again, mystery surrounds the actual lantern and later the reader is left to determine the actual purpose.
Revelations
21: 23 The city does not need the sun or moon to shine on, because the glory of
God is its light, and the lamb is the city’s lamp.
***
There is a remarkable connection in the literal sense of
‘being saved,’ connected to Wm Paul Young’s mother, on the day Harold Munn was
born. Paul has a marvellous way of sharing his personal stories.
Harold Munn was born in Victoria where he did his
university education at UVic. He subsequently taught for three years in Malawi,
East Africa with CUSO. He took his theological training at Trinity College,
Toronto.
In my posts, I have purposely left all stories out, as they
belong to Paul and his family, not me. I
enjoyed hearing them, despite some very painful ones. I’ve even listened to
some, a few times over, as I watched “Restoring the Shack,” I discovered on
Amazon Prime.
Part of Restoring The Shack, is to see the many layers
deep, the novel takes the reader and quite often…the author themselves.
One discovery I did make in connection to those in need, is
that Harold Munn opened his heart to them.
When homelessness is on the doorstep, you can shut the
door or you make the decision to advocate, says Nestegaard Paul. “Harold
chose the latter.”
RELATIONSHIP IS EVERYTHING.
WE ARE DESIGNED FOR RELATIONSHIP. -Wm Paul Young
Having lived in Victoria, BC for eight years, the most
blessings I received, was the years spent helping those in need. I never had to
pretend I was someone I’m not, with those living on the streets, the walls came
down and as we shared a sandwich or coffee together, I’ve never felt more at
home than when I was in their presence.
As I continued to enjoy hearing the many stories of
connection; with God at the center, I would discover another link to my
story.
My book was written in 2000 and I looked for a strong
beautiful name for Christian’s mom, Jack’s wife; a woman of wisdom. It was then I discovered the name Sophia.
In 2022, Episode 15 The Cave, Paul Young
speaks of his character “Sophia,” and how the Greek word for wisdom is Sophia.
For me, as a writer, things are relational. While I don’t go
looking for connections, these sharing’s are proof when parts of another
creative soul find its way to you, then without a doubt it’s a God connection.
 |
| At one of the lovely places I stayed overnight, the owner, Melissa, has this beautiful artwork she created on the bedroom wall. For me and my heart, it spoke of and was reflective of my book. |
The Only time you will find God in a box, is because God wants to be where we are.
That is beautiful to me...
Episode 16 and the revelation of The Trinity, spoke straight
to me. After, Paul shared a harrowing story of another courageous survivor.
This prompted me to recall a time when I had survived a horrific attack and the
bravery it took in order for me to endure and live through it.
As the episode unfolded, I was struck with the pure truth
that I hadn’t acknowledged before:
I hadn’t saved myself; God was the one who honestly saved
me.
The author goes on to share…
God’s intent is to heal
us…even though it is ‘AS Through Fire.’
WE need the activity of fire
to expose our hearts and heals us
Fire is restorative
Fire purifies us.
God is a consuming fire.
How often are we rich in ways
that matter, than we don’t even know?
Thankful for a God that
climbs into our circumstances to be with us.
***
The truth of my times of survival, I have always felt a
surrounding presence. An unwavering belief that I will get through this and yet
for me verbally to give up all control is like stepping out to a double edged
sword- -one side dull and the other side sharp. There are parts of me that
loves the danger, the risk and the other wants to play it safe, keep everything
‘inside the lines.’
Throughout my life and because of my system of tangled
roots, I have made terrible choices that placed me in times of darkness. Having
Bipolar and PTSD is like inviting an army of fire ants to your sandbox. You
know your going to experience pain and yet it is a place of comfort to you- all
you have ever known.
Paul shares about trust and
control:
When you have FEAR in your life, you can either TRUST or CONTROL.
Let go of control and joy can
be a constant companion rather than an occasional acquaintance.
We only get grace one day at
a time. I’m spending real grace on things that don’t exist.
So what would it cost me to
let go of that CONTROL…IT’S THE RISK OF TRUST.
I have dealt
with trust issues all of my life; in fact, in fifty years, there is only one
relationship where I was graced with their faithfulness to me. ONLY ONE. My
response? I ran as far away as I could from this person because I could not
fathom, someone would remain devoted to me.
Sometimes the path for
healing from fear is into the fear itself. - Wm Paul Young
I’ve written
about it before- growing up having a poverty mentality. How I felt more
comfortable having less, as it is my security blanket. I have shared about the
guilt tied to my daughter’s untimely and tragic death. I’ve never been able to explain it in a way,
so others could understand, what it is I am wanting to convey until I heard
this…
Paul shared he had an orphan
heart, in that orphans don’t believe anything actually belongs to them. They’re
just waiting for someone whose more worthy, to come along and take it.
There is the
profound truth- the cornerstone of my broken walls of mistrust, my cycles of
poverty and the feeling of being unworthy of anyone’s love.
“We don’t know there is
something GOOD in us that we are worthy of being loved, we’ll be caught in a
cycle of religion trying to perform our way into the approval and affection of
God.”
I’ve spent most of my life, scared of the woman who brought
me into this world. As I watched this series, I wondered if I had ever told her
that I thought she was a good woman? While I lamented over never being told, “I
am proud of you,” I was stopped in my tracks, if ever I had said the very same
to her? When was the last time, my mom had ever heard those words or when last had
she been blessed with the title of motherhood?
“I’m furious at the things
that are wrong and keep people locked into bondage that are hurting them.”-Wm
Paul Young
When we grow up absent of
‘proper parenting’, we grow up absent of feelings, emotions and
characteristics that makes us all unique. I knew I was stupid, lazy, no good
for and useless…never did I believe I was worthy, loved, accepted and wanted.
Yet, I have a strong sense that neither did my mother.
On the back cover of my novel, I chose to have a snapshot of me at age four and my late, beloved, daughter Shayla, at age two. For me and for her, it was a time where life seemed frozen in a time filled with joy…before my life was impacted by abuse as a little girl for the first but not the last time. The photo is also prior to me nearly dying in a car accident at the age of four, on a highway outside of Edmonton, Alberta.
My daughter Shayla and the picture of her at two years old-
was taken at a friends house- 19 years before her life would be tragically
taken in a car crash.
These were moments in time, where we understood what happiness
felt like.
In my candid honesty, I didn’t want some fake photo of me smiling-
while choking on hidden secrets.
I also wanted two photographs - connecting my inner child
with hers.
In an interview with Maria Shriver, Wm. Paul Young says:
“It took me a whole life to
become a child.”
I knew in an
instant what that meant.
I’ve been
trying to spend my whole life reclaiming my past childhood- the one where I was
properly loved within the mind of my imagination- where I was properly wanted,
nurtured and had proper boundaries.
MOST OF OUR HURT COMES FROM
RELATIONSHIPS AND MOST OF OUR HEALING COMES FROM RELATIONSHIPS -Wm Paul Young
Some people think me being a Christian, life is easy. At
least those who don’t truly know me. They believe I am galloping through a
field of wildflowers and saying, 'God, can you please take this from me,' and
it just all falls in place...much like a rainbow- landing perfectly from the
sky- unto it's pot o' gold.
Truth is….I've been in a tug o' war with God, my whole life!
The reality is I am that wounded little girl at the playground, who gathers all
the sandbox toys together and will not share- for fear of never having anything
given back in return. I hold on so tight, that each toys sharp edges is poking
into me, causing me pain… but Still…I will not let go.
God is present, not in a way
to coerce of control, God is present to be with us in the midst of what we and
others have brought to the table.
Just as my trust issues have caused me a multitude of
heartache, so has the death of my child.
In the first decade since Shayla died, I did more positive things with
my grief that I could imagine. I participated in a six month bereavement course
through Hospice, I received personal one on one counselling, I became a facilitator of GriefShare, a faith
based course, to help others, I released my daughter’s ashes into the ocean, on
the Island of Maui. Part of my ‘healing’ was to ensure safety changes were and
did take place where Shayla died. I started a Pebble Movement and was the one
to dedicate her memorial bench. I even read my bible more and I felt closer to
God, more than I ever had. There were no instances of displacement, no living
out of vehicles and no serious health issues. Then…the damn broke and I was
carried away with all the debris of my life.
Loss doesn’t make any sense…
Inside those losses are times
where we learn about community, and we learn about each other, we invite people
in to places, maybe we haven’t before.
Years ago, I sat in a movie theatre watching “The Shack,”
beside two people. I didn’t know them or that it had been filmed in the
Southern region of British Columbia. I openly wept, given the tragic loss of a
child, was the main theme.
Paul speaks of when we
receive nudges: “So, I just got the nudge and those of you who have been
walking in a relationship with Jesus, for a long time and learned how to listen
to the Holy Spirit, speaking in your language, you know the concept of the
nudge. You just get a nudge. It happens in the normalcy of your life. In the
ordinariness of everyday and its like that’s a good idea.”
After the movie ended and through my salty tears, sprinkled onto
my butter popcorn, I decided it was a good idea to share with the theatre goers
beside me…
I said, “I couldn’t help it, but throughout the movie, I
expressed my grief, heartache and a sense of unexpected joy. It was such a
mixed feeling of emotions, as my only child passed away.”
The two people
sitting next to me smiled and seemed content with my words. The one lady
replied, “It was good of you to share, as that means a lot to the both of
us…for each of us was on the set of “The Shack.”
“Coincidence has a name…that
is GOD is involved in the details of our lives.”
***
There is a beautiful scene in another film, called “Antwone Fisher.” One so powerful, where upon first watching it, I had to shut the movie off and have a good, ugly cry. It was back when I had little or no connection to my extended family. Since then, I have watched the heartbreaking/ inspiring story and been able to sit with my Joy in what it means to have family that cares…that loves me…even those parts of my own shack that I have tried to keep hidden. To understand deeper connection, I want to share the scene I am speaking of. Antwone Fisher arrives to a house and not just any house…inside are all of his loving relatives, welcoming him to a beautiful feast, a banquet put on, just for him. Everyone is smiling, reaching out with hugs and the love he has hungered for, all of his life. I cry at this heartwarming scene, as I can imagine how beautiful it would feel to be welcomed like that. I also envision the very same kind of welcoming, one where I see my brother also happy, stripped of his imperfections and waiting to hug his little sister, with love…nothing but the pure kind of love that we spent years in search of... within our own worn down shacks.
When the darkness and the
lies are inside and kept inside the imprisonment of our own hearts, THEY ARE HUGE.
When we let them out…THEY LOSE THEIR POWER. -Wm Paul Young
The series, “Restoring the Shack,” has impacted me at a pivotal
time in my life. I have been able to unpack a lot of unfinished baggage and
honestly address the major issues in my life. While funds ended abruptly last year,
no one is more responsible for where I am at, than myself.
Just as I had danced my way back into darkness, I understand
the fragments in me are of my undoing.
Something I have been very blessed to received is grace…many
times over and as I look back on this past Christmas, there were many new
angels that stepped up, to help me through, for which I am deeply grateful for.
GRATITUDE… WE HAVE SO MUCH TO
BE THANKFUL FOR! Take the time to be Thankful for people, circumstances and
write them down…even better…TELL THEM. -Wm Paul Young
Yet, as I watched this series, it occurred to me that I have
been relying on the human form of angels and not entirely upon my faith. I need
to remember that…”God is In the details.”
I have prayed over this many times from the warm comforts of
my temporary shelter and finally, I had a my answer! Faith is about having true
assurance that what is ahead, I need to wholly give it to God! I cannot have
one foot in the sandbox and the other one out- ready to bolt and take hold of
whoever will help me. I have spoken to an Intake worker and been given the
details of assistance. Yet, what’s important is for me to fully trust in God,
to be the one who rescues me. To turn to the bible, I have spent two decades studying
and search for the answers I need, among the 1,551 pages I’ve read.
I am unsure what lays ahead, yet some decisions have been made as to the need to control....be given up, no matter the outcome.
With my upcoming birthday, I’ve had some friends reach out
and ask me what do I need?
A PRAYER IS AN OPEN
CONVERSATION WITH GOD
I took the time in prayer and replied back: “I don’t need
anything, but what I would like is if any of you are not Organ Donors…please
take the time to sign up. I did and if anything could ever be viable for
someone else, then the gift of life is all I ask you to do.”
Also, I am making a declaration in this post so that
everyone knows where I stand. It is one Wm. Paul Young made himself, with his
wife and children.
I KNOW that you Love me, you
care for me and want to see me thrive…but Please, I ask under ANY
circumstances, you do NOT Rescue me from this…
***
When you learn to live
without expectations, there’s always surprises right around the corner.
This is a God who cares for
us, involved in the details….the stories….we get the privilege of unravelling
the tapestry of the stories, how we’re all interrelated.
I think we are surrounded by
the miraculous, and yet, we are oblivious most of the time. We live our lives in
prison; prisons of our own making, prisons that other people have built for us,
and sometimes those prisons become our identity. That is, they become precious to us. Our
fears, our hurts, our losses, the abuse, we begin to identify themselves to us.
A lot of times the prison door is left unlocked, and we don’t want to leave. So
here is the question Paul asks us to think about:
How much of your life do you
live inside the hurt and the losses of your history; inside what other people
have done to you, inside your own suffering?
Has it become an identity to
you…and what would it cost you… to walk out? - Wm. Paul Young
By TL Alton
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