The Passage of Forgiveness

My daughter Shayla's last journal entry- only days before she died. 

No one can understand the magnitude of these words, her words...my daughter's words. These were taken from the very last journal entry she wrote, only  days before she was killed in a horrible car wreck. Over the years, you'd find me hard pressed to refer to her death as an "accident." For itng was never an accident that she perished on December 12th, 2011 at the age of 21. 

Since her sudden passing, it has come to light as to what caused her car to careen off the road and into a reserveriour. However, ask anyone whose had a child die and they would say, Not even the truth will ease their pain and certainly does not bring, your beloved child back. 

In the 10 years since Shayla has been gone, I have had to make peace with the past- the reasons- and allow myself to find a place where I can shut out the heartache. Over time, I have had to learn about patience and forgiveness, on various at the onset.  

Through reading her 29 journals, Shayla believed her life would be short and taken at the hands of someone she loved. As her mother, I've longed let go of my wanting retribution, as it won't bring my daughter back. 

I am resolved that while her life was taken in the most horrific way- there were major plans made to a treacherous road, that held a terrible past. 

I found comfort in knowing, the long overdue changes for the dangerous stretch of road- which saw her vehicle plunge into the frozen reservoir- were finally completed, the following year. 

It was bittersweet, as it was too late for my daughter- but it would surely save others. 

Shayla had a quote that is embroidered into the Memory quilt I have- the one that displays her countless pictures and her baby clothes, sewn into it...

"Its Okay to fight~ As long as you're fighting for someone or Something." 

It's really quite simple...How I STILL feel a close bond with my daughter, simply because she left me a paper trail of words that she wanted me to follow. The injustice I once felt, has brought me back to the very words that Shayla left for me to live by ~ "Somethings we would give anything to forget..." 

For along this painful journey, in order to be at peace and offer forgiveness, I add...

Living in the past, is not something my daughter would want for me. While I didn't find it easy to let go of all of the pain and misery that shattered my heart on December 12th 2011, I have learned there is no punishment that would suffice in me ever seeing my babygirl return again. 

I have long struggled with that fateful day, the last text message I sent her filled with love and caution on the road she was soon to embark on and be taken from this world. 

If Shayla could speak to me from the Heaven's, her words would be simple...

"Forgive yourself momma, for not being able to stop me driving that day." 

The very word that is on her memorial blanket, is the one I find comfort in when I feel the darkness overwhelm me....the word that was on her ankle and below Shayla's nautical star tattoo, is something my prayers are still filled with..."HOPE." 

By TL Alton