I wanted to create
something that sheds light on the goodness of humanity in the midst of what
seems like a lot of darkness. I have always believed that people in their
ugliest, most hateful states have all been wounded in some way, at some point
in their lives. I wanted to portray the common threads in humanity: We all feel
pain. We all believe in something...and that more than ever, we should be
coming together to lift one another up, not tearing each other down. It’s about
the beauty of people coming together regardless of their differences. ~ Ruelle
The above video link is to a song that reminded me
of the union between mother and daughter. The elements of water and analysis of
darkness, radiates in the time-frame of visual imagery and lyrical composition.
In terms of grief, it reflects the void of space
created when a loved one dies. As the song Carry You progresses, there is a
scene where the blonde woman is on her knees. As her fingers scrape at the
earth, I have been in that position at the reservoir, where my daughter Shayla,
passed away. However, at the end of the video, there is a profound release…where
luminosity exists in the midst of the shadows.
 |
| How I have felt in my grief journey |
Right after commemorating what would have been
Shayla’s 29th Birthday, a glimmering fragment ruptured. So
insightful was a breakthrough in my bereavement passageway, it rendered me to
fall on my knees. With a well of tears forming, I soon felt them coursing down
the story lines of my face. Within the crumpled mass of my heaving body, it was
as if the light had come to a mourner’s dance.
Before this divine manifestation took place, things lead up to my discovery.
There are two specific dates I chose to do
something in my daughter’s memory. One is her death day- December 12th
and the other is her birthday-February 24th. This year saw me be
part of two charity fundraisers. The first was a walk called Coldest
Night of the Year and the other was for The Victoria Taiama Partnership,
which included the performance of Issamba which means “come
together.”There was a live auction of donated merchandise and a celebration of
Black History Month.
 |
| Shayla, many years ago at the African Festival in Vancouver, BC |
The following is part of what I shared with those
who donated to Coldest Night of the Year.
It's
cold out there. And on February 23rd, I did something about it. Together with
thousands of Canadians across the country, I walked 10 km and fund-raised to
support hungry, homeless, and hurting people and families in my community. My
donations were for The Mustard Seed Street Church and Food Bank.
This
event held a special connection to my 21 year old daughter Shayla, who passed
away in 2011. Throughout her life, Shayla gave of her time, fund-raised for
those in need and took part in events helping the homeless.
I was able to speak with Desiree Neufeld, who is the Events & Sponsorship Coordinator at The Mustard Seed Street Church. She kindly listened to me share about how Shayla's birthday was February 24th and was walking in her memory.
While I had no team, I was joined by another solo walker, Jessica Mol. I could not think of a better gift to celebrate her life and all she gave, by my
participation in the Coldest Night of the Year.
Shayla was full of light;
therefore I walked guided by the illumination of giving love to others!
The
total raised for The Mustard Seed was $23,916, while walkers and teams for Our Place ~who are
celebrating 50 years of love, hope and belonging to those most vulnerable,
raised $52,179.
On
my walk, I was given a toque and a pin. Instantly, I was uplifted when I saw
the words on the badge that read: The world needs more snow angels.
The
previous week, when the snowstorm hit the Island, I shared with my friend
Christopher, the abundance of the white stuff. His response brought me joy, as
he encouraged me to go out and make a snow angel. Taking his spirited advice, I
sauntered out in the cold and let myself fall deep into the drifts of snow
particles. Flapping my arms, I began to
laugh at the sight of a grown woman, reconnecting with her inner child.
During
the Coldest
Night of the Year event, I had the enjoyable company of Jessica, who I
met at the event. As we got to know one another more, I shared various stories.
All the while, I wore a special lanyard I had created for the occasion. We
engaged in conversation that included family, loved ones and my own deep in the
trenches life experience of being homeless. Nearing our milestone of what we
thought was only 2km, turned out to be 5km and then we started our trek back
for live music, vegetarian chili and some hugs at The Mustard Seed. It was due to Jessica that my
time on the walk was made more special, by her presence.
The
next day, on the 24th, I packed up bags of skittles that I have an
abundance of thanks to my collection and my friend Sarah’s contribution. I made
29 baggies up and then set them out in the shape of these numbers, to honour a
birthday that would not have Shayla physically in it.
My
daughter loved the candies and every time I eat one, I smile. I decided to make
an outline of silver beads around the 29 that trail off…signifying the
birthdays where no longer a cake with candles, is blown out. Then I added 3
sparklers to emit some glow.
Grabbing
my bag that I carry downtown, I placed inside hand warmers, toques, mitts and
all the bags of skittles.
My
usual stops downtown had me go to places where I have met and spoken with
others. Again, I wore my lanyard. Walking up to the Greater Victoria Public Library,
I was saddened to see a young girl, asleep on the bench. Her snoring echoed
throughout the library corridors. Scattered around her were belongings that
should have been on the floor of a teenage girl’s room, not in the outdoors of
a public place. As I quietly walked over, I retrieved packages of hand warmers,
and a couple bags of skittles. I put them by her resting head and said a
prayer, then walked away.
Carrying
on, I stopped and talked with those in need. In giving more candy and a pair of
mitts to a lady, she eyed the ones I was wearing and in my heart I knew she
needed them more than I did.
As
I chatted with a man, who I have come to speak with on numerous times, he
pointed towards the street and said,
“See, she still has the jacket you gave her.”
That
girl was the one a month earlier; I had gifted my daughter’s jacket too. This
brought a lot of grace to me on the day it was Shayla’s birthday. To know
someone was being kept warm meant a great deal to me.
Once
back home, I gave thanks for the fireplace that is next to my bed and the
healthy food that is now part of my Arthritis regimen.
I
began to sort though some of the material I had printed from Shayla’s Facebook,
8 years earlier. Some made me laugh, while others were things even I didn’t
know. In a post she had titled: 25
Things u didn’t know and probably don’t care about. LOL
Here
are a few samples:
*I secretly love to read
children’s books, they make me happy.
*I drink milk before bed, cause I
believe in what scientists say about it giving you weird dreams.
* Mom, that pumpkin cheesecake
recipe you had on the fridge, I burnt it as I didn’t want to dare take the
chance that it would taste bad. I love u mom!
As
I read the list, I was laughing deeply, until I read what Shayla had written
for number
#22: I’m not afraid of dying.
Throughout
her time, I have always believed that Shayla ‘sensed’ she would not live to see
the golden years.
Sitting
in living room, I decided to take a look at the Vision Board created for the
course, I was in. Having taken a picture of it, I studied it with interest.
Unexpectedly, it was then that I had a revelation. This was a direct eye-opener
from Our Creator and the message that I received, has given me a deeper sensitivity
on my spiritual walk.
First,
the scripture that comes from the Bible that spoke to me was:
“Put aside the deeds of darkness
and put on the armor of Light.” Romans 13:12
In
January, my brother Brad sent me some money for my birthday. I then purchased a
cover at the Christian Book and Music store for my Bible- with similar scripture as the above quote.
Another
quote related to perspicacity states: “Without
providing for a time of healing and discernment, there will be no hope of
living through the present moment, without a shattering of our common life.
In
my years as a blogger, I have spoken of serendipity, coincidences and fate- one
and all the same definition. On the other hand, none of this applies to my existence, as I
am of God’s creation. Therefore the spirit which teaches me to listen has
opened my heart to the Lord’s Divine connections.
The
purpose of my declaration brings me to what transpired within the comforts of
my home. Examining my Vision Board, several key images leapt out. The
instruction for creating our poster boards was simple: put together various
images that reflect where you see yourself in five years.
In the center, I constructed a cross with Faith
right in the middle. I added the majestic beauty of the trees, and a cabin on
the water encircled by mountains. The value of community and respect for the environment
are present. I cut out and pasted some of my favourite quotes- including one
about the importance of pursuing dreams. I used images to represent my newfound
desire for better health and wellness. The whimsical part of my imagination, is
represented by a unicorn, and relates to my writing journey.
I am sure those who know me, would say that is a
fair representation of myself and my goals.
This is where one single image changed my purpose
and the world has lost its grip on me.
I have spent the past 8 years creating a legacy
for my late daughter Shayla. I have taken part in countless walks, charity
events, and spoken tirelessly about her existence. In her name, I have given to
others and even in my Will; my daughter’s memory is honoured. I spoke openly
and gave my support to safety changes on McKinley Road. The granite rock that
once was at the reservoir, I created. A Memorial bench installed at Dewdney
Beach, has the words I provided, etched into her plaque. I was also there to
give the dedication. Over the years, my tragedy became my close friend’s
heartbreak. They have known me to wear pins, lanyards, and t-shirts with my
daughter’s picture on them.
Therefore, when I looked at my Vision Board and
saw at the very top a picture of Shayla, with the word angel, it shocked me as
if God himself had spoken through a burning bush.
I had placed my child, the one who had died nearly
a decade ago…at the top of a Vision Board where I AM supposed to be…in five
years. Instead of putting a photograph of myself, I had made the choice to
place her death, over my life.
Heaven knows…I may have accepted the realm she is
in, yet I had not allowed her death to be declared.
In doing so, I think of all the possibilities I
have let go of, in making the decision to live in a world where she still
exists—with me, by my side.
Throughout the years, I have been honest with the
truth that I feel ‘lost’ without my daughter. Also, I have spoken about how I
was never a perfect mother. Since her passing, I have tried to make up for time
I can never get back.
In my grief, I often wondered if there was purpose
to the pain. Now I understand there is work to be done, at the changing station of my life.
Along with that, an answer came in the resounding lyrics of a song,
which made me realize the time to cut ties to Shayla’s legacy, has come. Even my
own wayward thinking that the words I have written will be my legacy, is not
the reality that God wants for us.
As I was letting this settle within me, this song
found its way into my heart. The vivid imagery of where this video was created
helped to understand the words even more. The lyrics spoke to me about what I
believe to be the truth…
"Only Jesus" ~ Casting
crowns
Make it
count, leave a mark, build a name for yourself
Dream your dreams, chase your heart, above all else
Make a name the world remembers
But all an empty world can sell is empty dreams
I got lost in the light but it was up to me
To make a name the world remembers
But Jesus is the only name to remember
And I don't want to leave a legacy
I don't care if they remember me
Only Jesus
And I've only got one life to live
I'll let every second point to Him
Only Jesus
All the kingdoms built, all the trophies won
Will crumble into dust when it's said and done
'Cause all that really matters
Did I live the truth to the ones I love?
Was my life the proof that there is only One
Whose name will last forever?
One day, my life will end on this earth and I will
reunite in the heavens with my daughter. This place we call home will cease to
exist and all of my things will crumble into dust.
The current project I am working on, is now seen with
fresh eyes that God created his daughter’s heart, which once beat within me...
...And along with it a message of Love that Shayla
LIVED…she does not live.
By TL Alton
