Thanks to be Given

 

"Be glad for this moment~ for this moment is your life" 

Recently, I watched the film, ‘Silver Linings Playbook.’ While I have seen it a dozen times before, when I viewed it in the enclosed darkness of my room, for the first time… I noticed more important things.

This film of brilliance, poignant moments and utter chaos, echoes within the realm of my Bipolar and PTSD. The quotes from the movie are a plenty and capture the reality of the disorders that it focusses on. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar, all have a front seat to a dysfunctional family that thrives on chaos.

At one point, the character Tiffany shares with Pat about her sordid past and how she likes all parts of herself. Most of all, she can forgive and questions him on his ability to do the same.

I found myself pausing, to reflect on this and its solid truth.

I also have to own that at 1:54 am in the morning, I thought it was a great idea to share a quote from the movie (via email) to a close friend of mine.

Upon waking this morning, I sent a humble note of apology. They kindly wrote back that they understood, as they are seeing a pattern within me that is often random.

Many of you who are reading this, have also received a casual text from me because at 3am, I believe you should know the brilliance of Pinterest…at any hour! lol 😊

This said, over twenty years on my medications, my Bipolar still likes to remind me of my ‘mental imperfection.’

Watching the film, I am prompted to think about my own peppered past. One that has components of things connected to yearning and desire- yet if removed- these two things that lay within, would see the passion exit.

I believe, my messy parts are someone else’s salvation- a place of familiarity and of hope.

As we draw nearer to the Thanksgiving holiday, I have been absorbing the life lessons of 2020.  

I took out a piece of paper and began to write down things that often we take for granted:

Shelter/Home: This time, last year, I was spending my Thanksgiving- alone in my car. At nighttime, when I parked along the highway, the glaring headlights were other souls reminding me of their existence- as each of them were simply passing through.

The blessings of a meal: Over the 7 months of living in/out of my car, often I had only one meal or would need to skip breakfast, lunch or dinner. When I checked my mailbox and saw there was an assortment of gift cards ( so generously given and sent over many months by the Bruton family), I was overfilled with joy!

For I knew, my extended street family and I would be sharing in a meal from Tim Hortons or McDonalds. Never could I walk past Gigi, Truscott, Michael and Tom with food for myself, while they themselves had gone without! I had a general rule that whatever I bought for my meal, I would buy extra for them. For there was no way I could ignore their hunger- in order to satisfy mine!

Shower and toiletries: Having been raised by someone who excels at cleanliness, I enjoy a long, hot shower and the smell of Zest soap on my skin.

Being a novice at the whole living without luxuries, I made an inquiry as to how my friends kept themselves clean? Given the one lake I was parked at had a toxic sign posted- warning swimmers not to partake in the waters, I also respect nature. Washing up with soap and toiletries in any source of water, kills off marine life.

Having worked up north, as Provincial Park Operator, I was elated when my boss Branden, constructed an outdoor shower, completed with a clear canopy that saw one look up into the majestic trees, blue skies and puffs of clouds. I use to love showering in this wonder of creation and occasionally was visited by a squirrel or bird.

Now back at Tim’s, one of the men, sitting in our gathering, shared how the lot of them would go into a washroom and have a ‘toilet bath.’ They used the water as a small basin to clean up in. I was aghast and Tom could see that from the look on my face! He chuckled and remarked, “Why do you think we smell the way we do?”

The next day, with my laptop in tow, I was determined to find a better way to maintain my cleanliness. My research led me to the Community Rec Center, who offered everyday, FREE showers to those in need. I am reminded of their friendly smiles welcoming me in, every time I came to get clean. The feeling of the hot water pounding against my weary soul and dry, weathered skin, felt like a day at the spa!

Returning to my group, I handed out coffees and shared about the local amenities being offered for free. They thanked me, but Michael shook his head and shared his honesty, “Listen that’s all great and dandy, but we are all downtown and the Rec Centre is clear across town- on the outskirts! Some of us have curfews at the Shelter or times we need to check in, plus several of us here have disorders that make taking a bus- a high anxiety situation.”

I looked over at my micra car and wondered how many of them could I possibly fit in and shuttle? It was then as if Tom read my mind and said, “Tonya, you cannot save the world…you need to remember to have self-care for you.”

From there on, I struggled to get into a hot shower and linger under the pulsating water, while others were going without.

Even now, within my beautiful suite, I think of those who are pouring the contaminated water from a toilet, onto their bodies.

The last thing that changed my life forever, was the ability to sleep- to have a deep slumber – one where you could stretch out, rest and fall asleep. The first night in my new, furnished place, I did a starfish onto the massive, soft King mattress and wept all over it! It was a lot to take in and I found myself opening my fridge, to see food in it…all of the new beginnings were overwhelming, and I still find myself thinking I don’t deserve all of this, when so many others are suffering!

Last year, in being displaced, my heart had always been on edge, on guard and I was sleep deprived. I recall one time when I found an underground parking lot, shut off the car, stuffed my keys in my purse and I passed out- sleeping upright. A Security guard woke me up- 3 hours later. He seemed rather timid and when he explained that he thought I was dead, I understood his apprehension.

This summer, also saw blessings with me having surgery on my heart… I am deeply grateful to have a new lease on life!

All of these heartfelt things I’ve shared, is because those truly homeless have taught me so much! Their misgivings were my blessings, for I realized many things I had taken for granted or misunderstood myself.

While this Thanksgiving, I will be alone and I miss my ‘Island family,’ my thoughts will be with the roots of my own blood family, I have reconnected with! It was time for me to come out of the shadows and remind myself what I am now living for…the love and light of those who have brightened my life, shared in their compassionate hearts and reminded me there is indeed, Thanks to be given!

 

By TL Alton